In case you were wondering, no you DIDN’T win my Leading Lady bra giveaway because NO ONE won my Leading Lady bra giveaway because I totally forgot to pick a winner. And since I’ve still got the Head & Shoulders giveaway going on AND I’ll have another one up next week (it’s super cute, definitely come back) I should probably clear my giveaway-calendar now. So get ready! Someone’s boobs are gonna look rockin’!

The winner is, commenter #12, MeganTBeach! Yah, Megan! I will pass your email on to Leading Lady so hopefully you’ll hear from them soon and can get the bra of your dreams.

And because everyone who ISN’T Megan is totally bored with this post now, here’s two minutes of my kids attempting to do somersaults. Apologies for my insanely loud/screechy voice.

Our vacation is quickly approaching – 19 daaaaaaays!!! – and although I am insanely excited about it I’ve started to think about the practical aspects of leaving the kids and house in someone else’s hands for a week and I’m freaking out.  My reasons are two-fold, and I will of course tell you about them now in great detail.

Reason 1 is because how can anyone besides me take care of my beautiful, special, magical snowflakes? They are delicate flowers! Fragile angels! Helpless babies! No one besides me can give them the care and love and constant attention they require to blossom and grow on a daily basis. I am their Mother, giver of Life, completely Irreplaceable.

Of course on a daily basis my love and life-giving mostly involves handing them cheese, playing trains, pouring juice and making sure they don’t kill each other. Not exactly rocket science.

But on the other hand, there ARE a lot of small things that matter an enormous amount to two toddlers but other people wouldn’t know. At bedtime, Evan wants me to sing his songs in a specific order. Caroline likes different sippy cups than Evan does. Her favorite games are hard to understand unless you realize punching you in the face is playing. When Evan asks for a “chocolate bar” he means a granola bar. Are their lives going to be RUINED if someone else does things differently for a week? No, of course not. And because my folks are coming here to our house the amount of change really is minimal. I just want things to be as easy as possible for everyone.

Reason 2 is because there are going to be PEOPLE in my HOUSE and I won’t be here to help them find things which means when they need extra towels or more toilet paper they are going to be opening closets and looking under beds and oh God it’s giving me heart palpitations just THINKING about it. Despite my best efforts and intentions, I am not a well-organized person. Yesterday I “cleaned” the guest room, which consisted of ten minutes untangling yarn, three minutes staring hopelessly at the giant pile of stuff still left to organize and thirty minutes of shoving craft supplies under the bed. Success! Or…not. At least it looks better than the cabinet under the bathroom sink. Or the pantry. Or our bedroom. Or – OH GOD – the basement. THE BASEMENT.

Then there’s the tiny issue that my mother is the kind of person who cleans my microwave every time she visits and my father is the kind of person who builds a new patio every time he visits so things need to be CLEAN and projects need to be FINISHED. Of course, I’ve known about this trip for a year so obviously my anxiety levels aren’t at the level of “get off my butt and do something” yet.

So here is my question for anyone who has left their kid(s) before OR hes watched someone else’s kids for them: How many pages of instructions are helpful vs. crazy-pants obsessive? Evan isn’t helpless, he can ask for the sippy cup he wants, but no one’s going to know what he means when he asks for the “camp-it hoot show” (Captain Hook show = Jake and The Neverland Pirates). Do I need to catalog our exact bedtime routine, or just “Bathtime at 7, in bed by 7:45” good enough? The most stressful part is I’m going to be virtually unreachable, so if I forget to write down “We usually ride the elevator a few times when we go to the mall, even if we don’t need to” I’m imagining the kids sobbing on the floor while my parents look on helplessly.

I don’t think there’s any advice for the house-mess situation, unless you want to come over and clean it for me. Ok, thanks, see you soon.

Although my week here was fine, I spent a good part of it too wrapped up in being sad about a far-away-friend’s tragedy to focus on anything. Don’t let anyone tell you internet friendships aren’t as real as any other friendships.

Sunday:

Too bad he can't ACTUALLY make any donuts

I wonder where Evan is hiding? I can't fnd him!

Caroline's room makes me happy

Monday:

Hey Mom, he's sleeping. Got a Sharpie?

Practicing her "embarrassed teenager" face

Look Mommy! Baby thirsty!

 Tuesday:

Trying to get a Valentine playgroup photo

Caroline ditched the candy to eat an entire tub of watermelon

Hide & Seek at the yarn store

The train table at the library was trashed, so I, uh, HELPED the kids set up a new track. Or maybe I ignored them and did it all myself.

Wednesday:

New morning routine: let Evan play iPad for half an hour while I relax. It's like a snooze button for my kid.

Playing in the foam pit at gymnastics

OMG THIS BATH IS HOT

Thursday:

Couch nap for the boy who insists he doesn't need naps anymore

He also insists he doesn't need pajamas. Oh toddlers.

Friday:

Window shopping at the toy store

Broccoli? WTF Mom?

Trying to look angelic, right before he splashes half the water out of the tub

Saturday:

PEEK A BOO!

Caroline has decided she has a moral objection to shirts

I escaped to run errands alone and celebrated with the world's largest iced coffee

 Right now it looks like E is getting a 3-day weekend (although it’s the Navy, who the hell knows if that’ll actually happen) so hopefully it will be a good chance to recharge. We’ve got a DVR full of stuff we haven’t seen, tons of laundry to catch up on and a 3rd birthday party to attend. I hope your weekend is fun of family, friends and fun too!

Did you take any camera phone photos this week? Link up with one or lots using the linky below and grab the code (so it shows on your blog too!) over at Amy’s . It’s really fun!

I finally scheduled a doctor’s appointment to get referrals – one for the scary mole on the back of my arm and one for the scary shouting I can’t seem to control. The appointment was at 9 am on a Thursday at the military healthcare building. On Wednesday, I realized my car didn’t have updated stickers and I couldn’t get on base without stickers.

I went to get new stickers.

I couldn’t get stickers because my ID had just expired, so the guy gave me a temporary pass to get to the ID office.

I went to get my ID.

I couldn’t get a new ID because my sponsor – my husband – has to be with me OR I needed a power of attorney OR he needed to come in and fill out a form.

I called my husband.

No, he couldn’t come. No, he had to be at work. No, he couldn’t do it on his lunch break. No, he couldn’t do it tonight. No, there is no way it could be done before my appointment tomorrow.

I started to cry.

“FINE!” I screamed into the phone, “I hope your job is REAL HAPPY when your wife goes FUCKING CRAZY because you couldn’t take TWO MINUTES to come sign a piece of paper. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.” I hung up.

No stickers, no ID, no form, no appointment. No no no no no no no no no.

I watched the kids run back and forth in the grass outside the building and wondered if I was just imagining going crazy or if it was something that was actually happening. It was 55 degrees in January, after all. Maybe this wasn’t real life.

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 The next day I was really embarrassed about my temper tantrum, just like I always am. I calmly rescheduled my appointment and couldn’t figure out why it had felt SO URGENT only a few hours before. I should just stop overreacting and calm down. There’s no reason to be so angry. Good mothers don’t shout so much. I told myself I just suck at everything and need to get over it. Just like I said the time before, and the time before that, and the time before that, and the time before that… I kept my appointment.

————————————————————————————————

I talked to my doctor for a long time on Tuesday and filled out her questionnaires as honestly as possible. She said it sounded like anxiety – which I was just calling OVERREACTING TO ALL THE THINGS – with mild depression. I don’t know if it’s technically postpartum anything but when the doctor said “It’s OK, you’re not imagining things, I can help” I felt better than I have in months.

I took my first tiny Zoloft pill last Tuesday. I am still not sure how I feel about it. I am still not sure that it’s working. But I AM sure talking to my doctor was the right thing to do because she even recommended me to check this list of things that can help me in my troubled journey. I can’t believe I waited so long. I can’t believe I still feel so reluctant to share this. In my online life I know so many women who have dealt with or are fighting  or have overcome postpartum depression or anxiety or OCD or some other form of baby-related hormonal brain disease. Some days I wondered if I was crazy for NOT having postpartum depression. And then when things started to feel out of control I wondered if I was just exaggerating so I could fit in. Oh look, another mommy blogger on medication. What a cliche. Doesn’t she know Dooce already did that? It’s so 2009. Besides, my “baby” is 13 months old – didn’t my ticket to postpartum mental disorder town expire in December?

Although I know the internet is FULL of support, in my real life things like this are Not Talked About. The only person I’ve ever heard mention PPD was the sad, weepy, exhausted mom at breastfeeding support group who was so obviously depressed I wanted to bundle her into my car and drive her to a therapist myself. I’ve never felt like that. No one has ever said “You look like you’re struggling.” My husband has never taken the baby away from me and suggested I talk to someone.  I think my family is going to be really surprised to read this. I’m worried what they’re going to think. But hopefully soon, I won’t have to worry so much about what I think.

As if the rest of my posts this week haven’t made it obvious, life’s been kind of stressful lately, with “kind of” meaning “I’m considering buying my wine by the case instead of just the box”. Except that wine has too many points so I’ve been binging on grapes and broccoli. It is highly unsatisfying.

Sunday:

Caroline refused to drop her truck even while she was nursing.

Because what I need right now is MORE living things acting needy.

LOUD NOISES.

Monday:

Don't even THINK about trying to help her.

He's replaced actual at-home naps with 5 minute car naps.

I put in my headphones and cleaned, including this COMPLETELY filthy mirror

Tuesday:

Obsessed with baby dolls.

Despondent dinosaur is despondent

It's much easier to control two kids at Target when you give one of them to someone else to deal with.

Life is SO UNFAIR when your mother dresses you in leggings.

Wednesday:

Let me tell you a horror story. Once upon a time there was a teething baby who screamed ALL THE TIME! Ahhhhh!

First gymnastics class! Some of the moms were a little...intense when it came to their TWO YEAR OLDS but we liked it.

Oh good, I was worried about nuclear fallout.

Outside in January, enjoying the 60 degree weather before the ice caps all melt and drown us.

Thursday:

10 am nap from ALL THE CRYING.

Stripey legs

And then THIS ONE fell asleep on the floor and refused to wake up. Even after Caroline jumped on his head.

Friday:

You'd think I don't feed this kid, what with the trying to eat his stroller.

I am smiling because Stroller Strides is over.

More floor naps. I took the hint and on Saturday he got a real nap.

Saturday:

The reason ALL MY PICTURES this week are of sleeping kids is because it was the only time they weren't covered in snot and screaming.

Even the packed grocery store was a nice change from the angry babies.

"Oh I see now Daddy! You fly on the dragon to defeat the wizard because you're a HUGE DORK. Got it!"

Besides these weekly iPhone round-ups I’m doing the monthly photo-a-day challenge from Fat Mum Slim. I’m posting them on Instagram (my user name is bebehblog, let’s be friends!) but all my IG photos are also on my Flikr page – you can get there using the button over there in the left sidebar <———- because my mom would be really mad if I took pictures of her grandkids and DIDN’T let her see them.

Tomorrow we’re going to a Superbowl party where we will eat a bunch of food and probably come home before the game even starts so the kids can go to bed and I can put on stretchy pants. Go Patriots!

Did you take any camera phone photos this week? Link up with one or lots using the linky below and grab the code (so it shows on your blog too!) over at Amy’s . It’s really fun!