I’m sorry I will probably break you later this morning when we have our first weigh-in for the fitness challenge at Stroller Strides. In my defense, the morning after the Superbowl is probably the worst Monday of the year to expect me to have lost weight.
Exhibit A:
The Pioneer Woman's Jalapeno Poppers
Exhibit B:
Quesadillas by Amanda
Exhibit C:
The Pioneer Woman's Drip Beef (not pictured, buttered sandwich rolls and cheese)
Exhibit D:
Fruit Pizza by Amanda - don't be fooled by the "fruit" part, it's shortbread and frosting and chocolate
Not pictured: Taco dip, brownies, three kinds of chips, cheese and crackers, veggies with ranch dip, shrimp cocktail, and my favorite baked potato rounds covered in cheese and bacon.
And let’s not forget my best excuse of all:
BABY WEIGHT
So there, Scale. Those are my excuses. I’ll try to do better next week I promise. Of course I mean AFTER E’s birthday dinner and a special Valentine’s treat.
After much hang wringing and deliberation, I’ve decided I can’t let my first child turn one without at least attempting to commemorate the occasion with cake and singing. Of course, he doesn’t actually turn one for two more months, but I like the plan ahead. This morning I brought up the subject with my darling husband:
Me: So do you want to have a party for the baby’s birthday?
E: Sure.
Me: Should I invite all our relatives? And some mom friends? It might be a lot of people. Or maybe no one will show up.
E: Sure.
Me: Ok, we’re officially having a party. With a cake. And a theme. Oh, what should the theme be?
E: Sure.
Me: My internet friend Emmie did robots. Want to see her son’s robot party? Robots are really cool, right? But we could do something else. Maybe animals, like my baby shower. Or doggies. Or numbers. Or boats. I love boats! Or PIRATES. I’m going to go check Etsy for first birthday party decorations and get started buying stuff. Good thing we’re getting that tax return, because these things are ADORABLE.
E: Sure. Wait, what?
So it’s settled – Baby Evan is having a party and I am currently in obsessive planning mode. Although if I truly did like to plan ahead, maybe I’d have something planned for E’s 30th birthday which happens to be THIS THURSDAY. Sorry honey, I think once you have kids your own birthday’s are never really special again. So far the only thing on our calendar is attending the birthday party for a friend’s daughter, which may not exactly be the kind of debauchery-filled, Vegas-themed, crazy all-nighter he had in mind. Although you never know – maybe that’s EXACTLY what they’re planning for their one year old. In which case I’m REALLY slacking in the party department
Mastered Skills (most kids can do)
• Waves goodbye – he waves all the time, but I’m not sure he means “byebye”
• Picks things up with pincer grasp – Yes
• Crawls well, with belly off the ground – Yes, at a speed that can only be described as wicked fast.
Emerging Skills (half of kids can do)
• Says “mama” and “dada” to the correct parent – He’s definitely called me mama, but he’s also called the dog and a water bottle mama. And sometimes he calls me “baba”. I haven’t heard him get dada right yet, although if I tell him “Dada’s home!” he crawls to the door.
• Indicates wants with gestures – He knows the sign for “milk” and reaches for things, but no pointing.
Advanced Skills (a few kids can do)
• Stands alone for a couple of seconds – Stands all the time. Cruises constantly. Walks 10-12 independent steps several times an hour, although he only really started that in the past two days.
• Puts objects into a container – He put his new Sophie in a pot yesterday. I think he wanted some giraffe soup. Which I would totally give him if I knew where to get some giraffe.
So to sum up, motor skills and physical development are great and a little ahead of the curve. Mental and verbal development are decidedly average. Personality is still very happy and easy going 90% of the time and angry hell-demon the other 10%, but I still think he’s the best baby in the world.
Baby Evan has been…expressing himself quite a bit in the past few days. Since he’s still focusing all his energy on physical development instead of verbal development, this is the best he can do. For the record, this is “happy” not “homicidal maniac”.
I had a really clever and original idea for tomorrow’s Baby Evan is 10 Months Old! post, and in preparation I did an internet image search for “eHarmony profile”. This was the third most popular search result:
Now, I’m not saying a drawing of a hippo playing a harp is the WORST choice ever for a dating website profile, but it may not give potential suitors the best possible first impression. May I suggest a robot playing volleyball or a cat doing geometry instead?
Out of curiosity I then searched “bad dating profile photos” and was disappointed the results weren’t especially funny or terrible. I suspect Google didn’t understand the question at all, since this was on the front page of my search:
Clearly, the BEST dating profile picture EVER. I would totally date that guy. He’s a doctor with excellent taste in ties. I wonder if I’m his type?
Eight is how many push-ups I could do in one minute at yesterday’s Get Fit Challenge testing for my Stroller Strides class. They weren’t even good push-ups, although they were real on-my-toes push-ups. Still, anyone who’s ever been through boot camp would have been ashamed of my wimpy noodle arms. I did slightly better on holding a plank position (1 minute 7 seconds) and did a fairly respectable number of crunches (53 in one minute). There was also a shuttle sprint where I ran with a baby shampoo bottle baton from one line to another and back again, all while flailing my arms and legs around in the least coordinated way possible, a la Phoebe from that episode of Friends. Being laughed at by a bunch of toddlers isn’t very good for one’s ego.
In 12 weeks I retry all those tests to see how much I’ve improved my fitness. April, my instructor, also took “before” pictures in which I slouched and scowled as much as possible so my “afters” are guaranteed to be an improvement, even if it’s just because I’m wearing mascara and sucking in my gut. Then she made us run a bazillion flights of stairs, do an insane number of lunges, and kicked out butts motivated us to really focus on being strong mamas.
12 weeks from now is May (MAY! That’s a whole month after APRIL, when my baby will be ONE) and May means skirts and tank tops and no more strategically fashionable scarves to hide my extra chin so it’s a good time to finally be back in (almost) good shape. The fitness tests are a really tangible way to see how I’m doing and a much less depressing measure than my weight, which seems to be glued in place with the world’s strongest super glue.
At least I can pretty much guarantee I’ll be able to do more than eight push-ups.
So maybe it’s because I begged my way into the Top 50 60 of that Babble list or maybe it’s because my blog is finally showing up in Google searches but I’ve been getting a TON of spam recently. I actually get far more spam than I get actual comments from people who aren’t offering to sell me coffee makers and erectile dysfunction medication, which is really depressing as I don’t drink coffee or have a penis. But a couple days ago I actually got a non-spam, non-commenter email from a real life human public relations person. The kind of PR person who offers mommy bloggers trips to Jamaica and free washing machines and all kinds of other awesome stuff. Unfortunately, all they were offering me was the “opportunity” to talk about their baby photo contest, without promising me any trips or major appliances. Not even a small appliance (like a coffee maker maybe?).
Super adorable, right? So let’s find a picture of Baby Evan that I should submit. How about this one?
Gnawing on dirty shoelaces makes him look smart, right?
Maybe this one?
This photo really shows what a good helper he is.
How about something really classic?
Naked baby pictures are always cute, right?
I suppose a really great cover shot should at least be in focus.
But he looks like his father!
We could try a close up:
"Hey Mom, you're doin' it wrong - let me show you how to adjust the f-stop."
Hmmm…those may not be my best choices but they do represent 99% of all the Baby Evan pictures on my computer. I think the moral of this story is a need a better camera before I’m going to win any photo contests. Or at least some lessons on how to get a baby to pose for pictures. I suppose lesson #1 is “glue baby to the floor”.
My BFF Erin and her 7 month old baby Reid came to visit us this weekend. Since I am a terrible friend, I made her go to my workout class on Saturday, let Baby Evan steal all her kid’s toys and then gave Reid the flu. Seriously, I’m surprised she’s still speaking to me. Although if she ever threatened to stop being my friend I could always blackmail her with those photos I have from college. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.
After Stroller Strides but before the puking the babies did have a pretty good time in our mall’s play area. It’s surprisingly nice (considering how crappy the mall is as a whole) with a cushioned floor, not too many people and stuff to entertain kids from crawling to kamikaze face diving running. We’ll be making it a regular part of our routine.
Space, the final frontier. Imma go there in this awesome plane!
I'm so stylish my binkie matches my outfit. My mom pretends it's just coincidence but it's totally not.
All weekend people kept telling us the babies looked like brothers. I think it's just the chubbiness.
This is my pensive face. I'm considering pooping in this car. Oh wait, just did.
This IS playing together. I stomp on the little kid, he licks this giant pig. Hey it works for us.
Even though I never did make the switch to cloth diapers (although I’d still consider it if someone wanted to send me a bunch for free ARE YOU LISTENING INTERNETS?) it doesn’t mean my baby laundry is entirely poop free. Oh yeah, you read that right. Poop. Now I’ve said poop twice (three times!) so please feel free to move on, childless friends.
For those of you for whom poop is just a way of life now, I have a totally un-sponsored, un-paid for, un-compensated suggestion for you: BioKleen Bac-Out . I LOVE it. It’s like having your own set of tiny elves who climb into your machine and scrub off all the disgusting stains. The real reason it works is because it’s full of itty bitty invisible crap-eating monsters enzymes that suck the smells and gross stuff right out of your laundry. Plus it’s all, like, natural and stuff so you don’t have to worry about the baby’s skin peeling off bleach or nasty chemicals. AND it smells really good, not patchouli-ish or hippie-dippie at all. Clean. And a little bit like limes.
So far I’ve used it to remove blood, puke, green poop, yellow poop, globs of poop, pee, spit up, and cat urine. (Just for the record, the cat pee wasn’t on the baby’s stuff.) I used to spot treat every article of baby clothing but with the Bac-Out I just squirt some in the machine and set it to 15-minute soak (or you could do what I did with my less fancy machine and just open the lid for a few minutes once it’s done filling). So far it’s saved me about a billion dollars in baby sleepers, as my child is unable to make it through the night without leaking various fluids all over himself and if I had to replace them every time my Target credit card balance would be even closer to the National Debt than it already is.
Go buy some! Buy some for your friends! Buy some for anyone who has a baby, a dog, a cat or a hamster, anyone who gardens or does housework or eats food. Buy some Bac-Out for your friendly neighborhood vampires and serial killers (it works great on blood) and they will thank you for you. And also possibly spare your life.
Baby Evan came out of his bout with the flu RAVENOUSLY HUNGRY and unable to find enough dog hair on the floor to solve this problem. So now it’s my problem. Or more specifically, my boobs’ problem (you don’t even want to know how long I spent on that apostrophe – and I’m still not even sure it’s right). Unfortunately, my boobs are still attached to my chest. I never would have thought of that as unfortunate before I had a kid but my, how the world has changed.
Despite the time and money I invested in the make-my-own-baby-food-plan the baby refuses to play along and actually eat any of it. I’ve mentioned before (and before and before ) how uninterested he is in solids, but I always figured the time would come when he was ready. I figured the time would come at 7 months, and at 8 months, and at 9 months…and now at almost 10 months I’m done figuring. I give up on baby food. That’s right folks, I am not feeding my baby ANY MORE BABY FOOD.
Before you call Child Protective Services, let me explain my NEW plan. It’s NEW, in all caps, so you know it must be good. Well, not new like just invented. Just NEW to Baby Evan and his tired, sore, milk-less mother.
NEW PLAN: Baby-Led Weaning. (For the record, not really weaning – there’s no reduction of milk/formula. I think the creator is British or something and you know how they are with their crazy baby words like “cot” and “push chair”.)
I don’t remember where I first heard about BLW but now I’ve heard of it everywhere. On the interwebs, in my parenting magazines, on the interwebs, from moms I know and trust, on the interwebs. So I finally checked it out and discovered…we already do it. Basically, Baby-Led Weaning is just giving babies baby-sized portions of adult foods. So if you’re having pasta for dinner, you give the baby some pasta. If you’re having tacos for dinner you give the baby avocado and tortillas. If you’re having cereal for dinner you give the baby a banana. Not mushed and pureed and fed with a spoon, just cut up so baby can feed himself (Or not even cut up – Google it for the scientific, no jokes details and safety info on choking and stuff). I started doing it because I was tired of putting a ton a work into preparing baby food just to dump it all down the drain when Baby Evan really just wanted what was on my plate. So basically, laziness. But it turns out I’m not the only lazy mom out there, so it’s LEGITIMATE laziness.
So far the BLW has gone a lot better than the pureed baby food but I still don’t think the baby is actually EATING. My suspicions are based on a) the fact he nursed every half hour all day yesterday and b) THIS:
Oh hey, I just discovered gravity and it's super fun!
That mess on the floor is dinner: an entire banana and 3/4 of an avocado. It landed exactly where lunch (half a mango) did a few hours earlier. My dog is now eating better quality, more nutrient rich food than most human beings. Oh well, I’ll keep trying.
I love hearing from you so if you have questions, stories or ideas to share, email me at bebehblog at gmail dot com. Hate mail will be fed to the dog. He says it tastes like beef jerky.
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in a pot yesterday. I think he wanted some giraffe soup. Which I would totally give him if I knew where to get some giraffe.
