Dear Evan and Caroline and Future Hypothetical Offspring,

Congratulations! You have learned to read and also know about the internet! Those are two of the most important things in life, so excuse me while I pat myself on the back for a minute. I am not a complete failure as a mother! Speaking of which, I’d like to explain to you why you are here, on the website, looking at words and pictures about yourself that you did not give me permission to post, which some might say DOES make me a failure as a mother so I feel like maybe I should elaborate.

This is my blog, a web log if you will, an internet journal of your lives from the moment I knew you were coming until (enter current date and time here). I have shared many things about our lives here for anyone with an internet connection to read. I’ve told the stories of your births, my fears about motherhood, your milestones and birthdays, your favorite things, special days, normal days, good days, bad days and everything in between. Through those stories, I’ve met and connected with a community of women who have become dear friends. You have met some of them already, and probably many more by the time you read this, and even more who love you even though you have never met. I am so happy to share our lives in a way that has made them more joyful.

Some people think this is a very poor choice on my part, that I show a lack of discretion, intelligence and general self-awareness by making our lives public. I absolutely understand their point of view. There are definitely periods of my life – most of 1996 for example – I wouldn’t be thrilled to see on the internet.  When my dad threatened to show my prom date my baby bath time photos I died dead of embarrassment right there in the living room and never even got to GO to prom. Ok, that’s a lie, but I sure wished the earth would swallow me up before Dad got out the pictures. I imagine you feel like this now, seeing dozens of photos of yourself, many of which you probably think are embarrassing.

But now, as a grown up – and I assure you I will do everything in my power to make sure you are a grown-up some day – I cherish every photo, video, scrapbook, postcard, and slide of my own childhood. I check the back of faded prints to see if they are labeled with names and dates and places so I can fit them into my consciousness. I have a terrible memory, so tangible evidence of things I vaguely recall are precious puzzle pieces. I hope this blog can provide you with all that a more. You’ll have access to hundreds of different days in an instant, with places and exact dates and the names of your friends all recorded. You will have details about your childhood I have long forgotten. Someday, if you have kids of your own, you will have a totally comprehensive guidebook explaining everything you need to know about raising them to be perfect, brilliant, successful humans! Because that’s what I did! Or, depending on how you think you turned out, a very serious warning. Either way, I’m being servicey!

More selfishly, I’ve written things about myself. You’ll probably find posts detailing what we ate for dinner and my knitting projects boring now, but someday I hope you’ll read them, eager to know more about the person your mom was when she wasn’t just your mom. It’s a remarkable thing, realizing your parents and grandparents and great-grandparents had lives before you came into the world. Maybe you’ll learn where you got a love for the ocean or why yellow always makes you feel so happy or that your parents were once cool enough to drive a Mustang convertible instead of a minivan.

All that being said, if you decide you are uncomfortable with this – any of this – I will take it down. I’m sure there are posts where I shared more than I should have, told stories that belonged in a baby book instead of a website and forgot you deserve my respect as well as my love. It is just so tempting to shout from the modern-day rooftops that my kids are the cutest and the best and the smartest and the loudest and the most frustrating and the most adored ever. Even though it might be hard for you to believe, sometimes parents make mistakes too, and I apologize if you think this blog is one of mine. Although I’m assuming by now kids get Facebook pages the day they are born and people all wear cameras that record and broadcast their entire life online, Truman Show-style, so my little baby blog is barely a drop in the bucket of your Googleable life. Just please remember the internet is a public place – and I will try to do the same.

I love you,

Mommy

I’ve seen this meme floating around the interwebs for almost as long as I’ve been reading blogs, but this week I’m going to hop on the bandwagon and join Audrey‘s hop. I’m doing it for several reasons including a) the kids are being really good and no one wants to read a bazillion posts about angelic, adorable, well-behaved children b) I’ve rededicated myself to CLEANING ALL THE THINGS on a regular basis so I have less time to write my usual deep, meaningful posts (bahahaha) and c) I like reading what people ACTUALLY keep in the handbags as opposed to posts with titles like “15 Things A Good Mother Is Never Without In Case Of Bear Attacks” or “The 7 Things In Your Diaper Bag That Might Kill You”. I could totally picture both of those headlines on Babble, amiright? But today, you just get “Junk That Suzanne Hauls Around For No Reason”.

This is the bag I’ve been carrying for a few months now. It’s a Gussy, which I fully admit I bought because I wanted to check that box off in Mommy Blogger Bingo (other boxes: headband/DSLR/Epiphanie camera bag/Lisa Leonard jewelry/rosettes/Toms shoes) but it’s actually a REALLY great bag. It holds a ton of stuff (see below), it stays on my shoulder, I can fit my camera in it, and things rarely fall out – which was a HUGE problem with my last bag. Oh God, I re-read that post and my palms are all sweaty just remembering my panic.

And here’s what’s inside the bag:

I sorted it into categories! In a vague columns left-to-right manner I present to you…

Clothing/accessories:
Caroline’s fox hat
Evan’s dinosaur hat
My glasses
Backup sunglasses (my real ones were on my head when I took this pic)
Two and a half pairs of soft-soled baby shoes
Caroline’s sun hat
Caroline’s socks
Baby Legs
Flower headband
Workout headband for me
Two pairs toddler underpants
Extra pants for Caroline
Evan’s striped sweatshirt he took off during gymnastics

Essentials:
Pen
Wallet
Change
iPhone
Keys

Random:
Sunscreen
Amber teething necklace
Yarn cutter
Gum
Lens cap for my 50mm
Lip gloss/sunscreen
Gussy business cards (for when people ask about the bag)
Reusable coffee cup coozie from Emily

Baby Essentials:
Diaper clutch from Erika
Wipes case

Toys:
Boat
Helicopter from the train table
Truck
Ladybug we stole from someone
Vibrating grape teether (both kids LOVE this when their gums hurt)

Trash:
I’m surprised there wasn’t more.

Food:
Reusable snack bag of Wheat Thins
Snack trap with carrots
Mini-bagel
String cheese
Four granola bars
Emergency bribery Hershey’s kisses
(The kids had just taken their sippy cups out, or those would be in there too)

And THAT is just what I packed for the 12 minutes round-trip drive to a 45 minute gymnastics class. You should see the bag on Stroller Strides days or trips to the Seaport. It’s amazing I’m not permanently lopsided (although there’s still plenty of time for that to happen).

You totally think I’m a crazy person now, don’t you? OK, what’s in YOUR bag?

p.s. I had to put the kit lens on my camera to take that picture of all the stuff AND I stood on the counter and held the camera up as high as I could. If I wasn’t a total moron I would have taken my shoes off, but ALAS.

My blog has a serious case of whiplash this week, with the insane direction changing – epic party with professional photos! sponsored post! deep feelings! – but my LIFE feels like it has a serious case of whiplash recently so it makes sense. To me, anyways. I probably owe you some extra strength Motrin and a glass of wine.

It’s been a while now since I decided leaving supportive comments on blog posts about depression and anxiety was nice and all, but wasn’t really the same as doing something about my own anxiety. Then I did something, and IMMEDIATELY felt better. So immediately better, in fact, that I started to doubt the medication had anything to do with my feelings and maybe I was placebo-ing myself into believing all my brain-crazy was fixed. Which made me feel even crazier, so then I felt like the medication wasn’t helping AT ALL. Good times!

My doctor made me schedule a follow up when she wrote my first prescription, and when I went back in I tried to explain my worries. She told me I was probably right about BOTH things – Zoloft doesn’t usually work quite so fast, but it could be helping enough that I had noticed, but it probably wasn’t a good idea to stop, but we could always switch to something else if I wanted. We decided since I was almost done breastfeeding we would try a slightly higher dose of Zoloft and I could come back in either when I felt I needed a change or I ran out of pills.

And then I sort of…forgot about it. Life kept happening and I kept dealing with it, only with less screaming and fewer moments where I felt like I was the worst mother in the world. Caroline weaned (which I think had a LOT to do with reaching my absolute worst point). I got a lot more sleep. I managed to go on vacation and truly enjoy myself (besides one teeny tiny panic attack) and came back feeling like a totally new person. And then yesterday, despite a really challenging day with Evan (man, 3 year olds have a LOT of emotions), I got to 7 pm without even once considering getting in my car and driving away. I joked with E about doing shots after bedtime but didn’t really mean it. And after both kids fell asleep I snuck into their rooms to kiss them one more time because I missed them.

My friend Brandy wrote about her experience with PPD this week and although my experience isn’t exactly the same, the way she writes – so straight forward and matter of fact – REALLY resonated with me. Because even as I was reacting in totally irrational ways I could SEE myself being totally irrational and recognized it wasn’t normal. I just couldn’t STOP it. Now I feel less overwhelmed by all the things I haven’t done and more like I am CHOOSING not to bother with those dishes in the sink. But now it’s because I’m too busy playing trains or having tea parties, instead of because I feel like nothing matters. It’s much, much better.

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I asked Evan want kind of party he wanted for his 3rd birthday and he said “Dinosaurs”. I told him he could have anything he wanted – trucks, trains, pirates, diggers, ANYTHING – and he said “Dinosaurs”. So we went with a dinosaur birthday. It ended up being an excellent and fun birthday theme.

It seems that no matter how much I try to stick to a color scheme I always end up with ALL THE COLORS. But since according to Dino Dan the dinosaurs WERE all the colors I figured I was safe as long as I toned it down with some natural accents. I got lots of moss, fake leaves, and branches from places like the craft store and the dollar store. All the tablecloths are cut from one big roll of burlap I bought in the garden department at Lowes. I made a zillion dinosaur “terrariums” (an idea I got from Mandy) with a bag of garden rocks (also from Lowes – $5 and I barely used 1/10th of them!) moss and tiny dinos left over from the favor boxes. The backdrop to the food table is two rolls of cork I bought at JoAnn’s. I cut every triangle pennant by hand with pinking sheers and printed the banners on my little printer.

For food, I had three sections: carnivores, herbivores and dessertivores. I thought I was pretty cute and clever, until I started looking at dino party supplies on Etsy and saw I was DEFINITELY not the first person to come up with “dessertivores”. It was still cute.

Menu:

Dinosaur shaped sandwiches (PB&J and cucumber)
Dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets
Mini hot dogs
Mozzarella sticks
Fruit
Individual hummus and veggie cups

Ice Age punch (blue punch with tiny dinos frozen into ice cubes floating in it)
Juice for the kiddos

Dessert Menu:

Brownies
Fossil cookies (I made mine with almonds)
Cereal bar “bones”
No-bake nest cookies (I did peanut butter & chocolate)
Dirt pudding cups (chocolate pudding & crushes Oreos)
Dinosaur shortbread cookies with royal icing
White wedding cupcakes with cream cheese cake batter frosting
Dino fruit snacks and candy eggs

And an AMAZING cake made by my friend Heather (I HIGHLY recommend her if you’re in the Eastern CT area and would be happy to put you in touch with her)

Since Evan and his friends are all old enough now for games and activities but the thought of trying to wrangle 25 kids into organized activities makes me break out in hives I planned lots of free-play fun.

We filled our old kiddie pool with sand for a fossil dig and hid tons of green eggs filled with stickers and candy for a dinosaur egg hunt. I also ordered a couple of inexpensive dinosaur coloring books from Amazon and dinosaur shaped crayons for a quiet, inside activity.

A few more details:

I saw dino party hats on Pinterest but didn’t really have enough ambition to make them from scratch. Just a few days before the party Evan said he NEEDED party hats so I dragged last year’s 2nd birthday party hats from Target out of my paper goods storage box and turned them into dino hats. It was really easy – they’re folded together with a tab, not glue or tape, so I just opened them flat, cut a piece of colored paper into a “spine”, cut a slot in the spine for the tab and reassembled with a little tape to reinforce it. I did a terrible job of explaining that, but trust me – if you take a look at a store-bought party hat you will definitely see how easy this is.

Between the hats and the masks we had quite a few tiny dinosaurs terrorizing the party.

My friend Amanda mailed me these leggings 2 seconds after I said we were doing a dinosaur party. So perfect!

Brilliant idea I stole from my friend Cheri – Take’n’toss cups for all the kids. No worries about juice or punch spills on my floors and they’re cheap enough to toss out if they get ruined.

Adorable invitations designed by the very talented Denae at New Mom Survival Adventure and printed (as rounded-corner post cards) by Overnight Prints – an idea I got from Tam.

I think that’s everything! Scroll to the bottom of this post for links to where I got stuff and as always let me know if you have any questions. I’m more than happy to share and info!

OK, just a few more pictures (the not awesome ones were taken by me)…

Resources and Sources:

Pinterest party board for inspiration
Template for straw flags
Custom stamp from Tickled Pink Paper + Ink
Paper straws & favor supplies from In The Clear
Evan’s dino shirt – Gymboree
Photography by Open Shutter (Website)

Dinosaur stickers – Amazon
Dinosaur cookie cutters – Amazon
Dinosaur sandwich cutter – Amazon
Dinosaur coloring books – Amazon
Melissa & Doug dinosaur stamps – Amazon
Dinosaur cupcake wrappers & toppers – Amazon
Dinosaur banner (I disassembled half to put on my cork backdrop) – Amazon
Dinosaur skeletons for fossil dig – Amazon and Oriental Trading (cheaper from Amazon)
Dinosaur masks – Oriental Trading Company
Dinosaur crayons – Oriental Trading Company
Dinosaur candies – Oriental Trading Company
Inflatable dinosaurs – Oriental Trading Company
Giant inflatable T-Rex – Amazon
Brown paper bags – Oriental Trading Company

Let me know if you see anything I missed or forgot to link!

(Oh and in case you are confused compared to previous party set-ups, we rearranged the house a few weeks ago and flipped the dining/family rooms. I was worried it wouldn’t be a good for the party but it was great! With the new set-up – and the patio – I have tons of space to invite even more people next time.)

Thank you to everyone who came and made our day so special!

Funny, I don’t feel any more ancient than I did yesterday even though I’m officially now at an age kids, teenagers and college students alike would all agree might as well be a bazillion. Hey kids, let me tell you about the time I walked to school barefoot in the snow uphill both ways! While fighting off dinosaurs! With a stick! Now get off my lawn!

My big plans for the day include Stroller Strides, Target, writing a blog post and not cooking dinner – so, basically, a regular Tuesday. But no one’s allowed to complain I didn’t make dinner, so that will be special.

I have a bad habit of starting in on the “It’s for my birthday!” excuse way too early so I don’t actually get anything special ON my birthday. Like that ring E bought me on vacation or the day-trip to the lighthouse we bought at the charity auction or the laser hair removal I bought myself (and am obscenely excited about). “It can be my 30th birthday present!” sounded SO GOOD at the time but now I won’t be getting any real presents and I’m a little sad. Because even though I’m a bazillion I still act like a spoiled 10 year old on my birthday. I guess my real gift is that E has put up with me for the last 10 years.

I was trying to find pictures of my last “big” birthday – my 21st – because it was the first one E and I celebrated as a couple. He rented a limo and took my best friend (the same best friend who was just here for Little Evan’s birthday!) and I out to dinner and to a club where we drank too much and danced and I fell down the stairs and injured myself pretty badly. It was everything a 21st birthday should be (I still can’t drink vanilla vodka)…but I have no pictures. It wasn’t the healthiest or most stable time in my life and I threw out most of the photos because I hated looking at them. I was so very hard on myself at that age. I wish I could go back and give that poor sad, hungry girl a hug and say “It’s ok! You’re beautiful! You’re allowed to be happy!” But that’s the problem with hindsight – I know my 21 year old self wouldn’t have listened. I needed practically every day of my 20’s to learn to give myself a break.

But I did learn and thank GOD because perfection in motherhood is impossible and the me that could stare at the pores on my nose for an hour could NOT handle kids. And I couldn’t even imagine my life now without them. I hate this kind of statement enormous amounts coming out of almost anyone else’s mouth but truly, I am so so blessed.

I was going to make a list of stuff I’ve done in the last 30 years and stuff I want to do in the next 30, but all I really want to do is hang out with the two little humans I grew inside my body and watch them grow up. Any maybe have some wine.

Happy birthday to me!