Much Better

My blog has a serious case of whiplash this week, with the insane direction changing – epic party with professional photos! sponsored post! deep feelings! – but my LIFE feels like it has a serious case of whiplash recently so it makes sense. To me, anyways. I probably owe you some extra strength Motrin and a glass of wine.

It’s been a while now since I decided leaving supportive comments on blog posts about depression and anxiety was nice and all, but wasn’t really the same as doing something about my own anxiety. Then I did something, and IMMEDIATELY felt better. So immediately better, in fact, that I started to doubt the medication had anything to do with my feelings and maybe I was placebo-ing myself into believing all my brain-crazy was fixed. Which made me feel even crazier, so then I felt like the medication wasn’t helping AT ALL. Good times!

My doctor made me schedule a follow up when she wrote my first prescription, and when I went back in I tried to explain my worries. She told me I was probably right about BOTH things – Zoloft doesn’t usually work quite so fast, but it could be helping enough that I had noticed, but it probably wasn’t a good idea to stop, but we could always switch to something else if I wanted. We decided since I was almost done breastfeeding we would try a slightly higher dose of Zoloft and I could come back in either when I felt I needed a change or I ran out of pills.

And then I sort of…forgot about it. Life kept happening and I kept dealing with it, only with less screaming and fewer moments where I felt like I was the worst mother in the world. Caroline weaned (which I think had a LOT to do with reaching my absolute worst point). I got a lot more sleep. I managed to go on vacation and truly enjoy myself (besides one teeny tiny panic attack) and came back feeling like a totally new person. And then yesterday, despite a really challenging day with Evan (man, 3 year olds have a LOT of emotions), I got to 7 pm without even once considering getting in my car and driving away. I joked with E about doing shots after bedtime but didn’t really mean it. And after both kids fell asleep I snuck into their rooms to kiss them one more time because I missed them.

My friend Brandy wrote about her experience with PPD this week and although my experience isn’t exactly the same, the way she writes – so straight forward and matter of fact – REALLY resonated with me. Because even as I was reacting in totally irrational ways I could SEE myself being totally irrational and recognized it wasn’t normal. I just couldn’t STOP it. Now I feel less overwhelmed by all the things I haven’t done and more like I am CHOOSING not to bother with those dishes in the sink. But now it’s because I’m too busy playing trains or having tea parties, instead of because I feel like nothing matters. It’s much, much better.

Related posts:

Smack Judgement
Sunshiny Days
Don't Forget

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7 Responses to “Much Better”

  1. Brandy says:

    Tears! So happy for you. It is scary not knowin what is going on. You want to fix it but you don’t know how or why. But it is wonderful you knew SOMETHING could help you. Someone, something..anything. Sadly I think so many moms can’t see that. They get consumed by the “I’m a terrible mother mindset” and can’t get out. I am so happy you found a way out…YOUR way. And that is the beauty of it. We are all different and the same together. Hugs mama :). I’m proud of you.

  2. Emily says:

    I’m really glad you are feeling better, and also that you are so honest about it on your blog. Sometimes I read blogs and the moms are all sunshiney about everything, and it makes me feel like I must really suck at this mom thing. When I read that other people have struggles, and they share their emotions, the good, the bad, and the ugly… I feel so much more comfortable with my own experiences. So thank you, Suzanne, for being real.

  3. molly says:

    I’m so glad you are feeling better. Zoloft worked wonders for me during my pregnancy with Brigham and afterward. Sometimes I think I should just drop all my heavy meds and try Zoloft again! Anyway – kudos to you for recognizing there was a problem and being brave enough to do something about it!

  4. Brigid Keely says:

    Ahhhh, it’s so great you’re doing better! I’m really glad you found something that’s working for you. :)

  5. raincheckmom says:

    Hooray!

  6. So, so glad things are better.

  7. Megan says:

    Oh Suzanne, I am so happy you have found what works for you. It is so apparent that you have your sparkle back. We love you!

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