I know I posted this picture three days ago but it really is my favorite from September.

If a genie came out of a lamp right now and offered me 3 wishes, they would all involve going back to the beach house on Kiawah Island and never ever leaving (after the wish for more wishes. DUH.) I would need the extra wishes to cover the bazillion dollars for maintenance and the electric bill and the toilet paper delivery guy. Because people who own beach mansions on gated islands can’t be expected to purchase their OWN toilet paper. If you happen to know of any genies looking for work, please send them my way.

(Totally unrelated side note except for the genie thing: we’re watching Aladdin right now with the kids for the first time as a way to ease back into home life and I am proud to report I can still recite all of it from memory.)

Leading up to this vacation, E was kind of…what’s a nice way to say “suffering from an epic eye-rolling condition?” I would say “Yah the BEACH!” and he would say “Blah, I hate sand.” I would say “I heard they have a fully stocked liquor cabinet!” and E would say “They sell beer in Connecticut.” I would say “It will be so nice to get away!” and he would sigh and say “But we have to drive SO FAR.” He was like Vacation Eeyore.

But besides a few screamy moments from the kids in the car – truly just a FEW and pretty justified on their part after so many hours strapped into carseats – it was the perfect vacation. It took E less than 10 minutes to be totally on board with the whole thing and become Vacation Dora The Explorer. “WOW! LOOK AT THIS POOL! IT IS GREAT! DON’T YOU LOVE THIS POOL? I LOVE POOLS! AGUA!”

I already mentioned that my friends were great with my kids, but it also helped that my kids were REALLY REALLY well behaved. All my (not unreasonable) fears about the toddler escaping the house and falling in the pool or running down to the beach proved unnecessary and he was more than happy to just hang out with whatever adult’s arms were currently empty. And besides the sleeplessness related to a brand new top tooth, Caroline was a tiny ginger angel who did nothing but coo and make doe-eyes at everyone. It FELT like a vacation, even with a 2-to-2 parent-child ratio, which is pretty damn amazing.

This here is the part where I post fifty bazillionty photos of the beach and the beach house and brag until you want to punch me in the face, so if you’re currently in your third straight year of never having a vacation that doesn’t involve sleeping on an air mattress while visiting your in-laws in Tulsa you might want to click away. I would totally hate you for going on this vacation too.

Beach house - front side

Beach House - beach side

Walkway to the beach

Low tide puddle stomping

I'm not sure that couch is big enough.

Floating spiral staircase

Looking up from the ground floor

One of the bedrooms NO ONE USED (There are six total).

The bathroom attached to the bedroom Little Evan used (We put the kids on the top floor to keep them away from the noise but accidentally took the two nicest bathrooms too)

Grow-your-own-train-set capsules with Aunt Sara

Having a very serious football talk with Erin's husband Elliot

Probably going on our Christmas cards

Father/daughter

Fun with our camera remote

Run fast!

I think I'm going to use this one for Caroline's Modern Bird art (minus my Photoshop effect)

We are smiling because the ocean was as warm as bath water

Bird chasing (taken with the super awesome paparazzi lens)

Windblown baby

Is there anything more joyful than a toddler running full speed towards someone who will catch him?

Flying

Pool area, complete with outdoor kitchen, outdoor bathroom and hot tub

Pool time

Someone loves the water

Underwater camera

Little Evan and Sara play "Jaws", where he makes you push him around the pool while he sings the theme song

We'll have her on a surf board by next summer

Is it too soon to start planning to do it again next year?

Everything about Little Evan has grown exponentially larger in the last month. He’s taller – tall enough to reach a whole new section of the kitchen counter that’s no longer safe for scissors of matches or long sharp pointy knives. He’s stronger – he can open the fridge all by himself now, God help me. He’s louder – SO MUCH LOUDER. And he’s smarter – he learns new words every minute, remembers practically everything, and has a better high score on Angry Birds than I do.

He also has so many more FEELINGS. He’s trapped in a glass case of emotion! Things are SO GREAT but also SO SAD and he is SO EXCITED to be here but he is SO ANGRY you told him not to lick that hand railing. It makes going out in public as stressful as playing Russian Roulette and honestly I’ve cut back on our social activities quite a bit. It’s just so much easier to stay home and play blocks and each snacks and let him watch TV while I do the laundry and nurse the baby and some days I just need things to be easy. Geez, why didn’t anyone tell me parenting was going to be so HARD?

We’ve been working on all the pre-schooly type stuff – letters and numbers and counting and colors – but if you try to tell him the number after six is seven he will YELL AT YOU. Although he gets fourteen right every single time. Since we’re not doing preschool (or pre-preschool or whatever you send your 2-year-old to this fall), I’m going to try to do more of that learning-type stuff, but the kid is only TWO. He doesn’t really NEED to know his numbers when he can’t even wipe his own butt.

Speaking of wiping his own butt…wait, no. I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just say he is 100% capable of being potty trained RIGHT NOW if he didn’t refuse to poop in the toilet. Because obviously hiding behind the laundry basket and pooping in his diaper is WAY more fun. What. Ever.

Favorite things include dinosaurs, fish, ducks, trucks, bubble baths, diggers, bars (granola or Nutrigrain, not like where you order beer), eating cherries all by himself, Nick Jr, being tickled, giving kisses, naps, naming different kinds of sports, lemonade, milk, Sun Chips (thanks to his father), books, piggy back rides and RUNNING FAST.

Least favorite things are still being told NO, being told to apologize to his sister, leaving somewhere if he’s having fun (but to be fair, NO ONE likes that), watching mama’s show aka the news, booboos, wearing shoes, spicy food and the part in Harry Potter with the snake.

"Sit DOWN, Mama. We sit DOWN."

Commanding his tiny invisible army.

BALL KICK!

All the gingers

I SORRY MAMA. I SORRY, NO HIT SISTER. SORRY BEBEH. SORRY!!!

Happy 29 Months Little Man!

29 Month Milestones (from BabyCenter, as usual)

Mastered Skills (most kids can do)
• Brushes teeth with help – Evan is a master tooth brusher, if you don’t count the part where he mostly just chews on the bristles and sucks all the toothpaste off.
• Washes and dries own hands – He would ask his hands all day long if I let him. In his toddler dream house there are sinks in EVERY ROOM.
• Draws a vertical line – No, he only draws diagonal lines. But if I turn the paper they’re vertical, so SCREW YOU Baby Center and your stupid milestone that I am totally counting as a YES.

Emerging Skills (half of kids can do)
• Draws a circle – Yes, but don’t tell him that. He thinks he’s drawing actual stuff, like fish or kitties.
• Balances on one foot – Yes, the better to roundhouse kick you in the junk.

Advanced Skills (a few kids can do)
• Puts on a T-shirt – He THINKS he can put on a t-shirt, but he always ends up tied in a knot with his arm stuck through the head hole. And because I’m such a great mom, I laugh at him EVERY TIME.
• Names one color – He can name red, blue, yellow, orange, and white, but when you ask “What color is this?” he only gets it right about 75% of the time.
• Names one friend – Little Evan has 2 best friends, Tristan and Amelia. He calls them “Triss and Ayahyah”. He LOVES them and asks to see them every day. It makes my heart explode with happiness.

Definitely liked all the photos from this Wordless Wednesday set, but especially this one:

Oh toddlers.

They’re so much fun when they’re not screaming in your face.

Unfortunately, we’ve been having a lot of in your face moments for the past few weeks. Evan’s favorite word is NO and he uses it every chance he gets. Even if he means “Yes please, that would be lovely Mother” he says NO.

Would you like some juice? NO JUICE! Would you like an apple? NO APPLE! Do you want to watch tv? NO TV! Do you want to go to the park and see our friends? NO FRIENDS! NO! NOOOOOO!!! *sobbing hysterics* *tears* *throws self on floor*

Evan, what’s wrong? JUICE! APPLE! TV! FRIENDS!! *sob sob sob sob*

Blarg.

Thank God for our new best friends, Nick Jr and Sprout and whatever other channel is planning something vaguely child appropriate that perhaps also includes a catchy song I will find myself singing later as I vacuum up pretzel crumbs (We got a green light! We’re gonna take a ride! Come on! What are you waiting foo-oo-or? It’s time to move it! It’s time to groove it! Are you ready? Cause here we goo-oo-oo!) Honestly, in the scheme of “things that get stuck in my head” the Fresh Beat Band is NOT THAT BAD. I may in fact actually…like that song. Don’t tell anyone.

I don’t feel even a teeny tiny little bit bad about letting Little Evan watch TV if it means no one gets smacked in the face, buried under a mountain of dirty laundry, or left at the fire station under the child surrender laws. (Not that I’VE ever Googled those in the midst of a meltdown. Nope.)

In the long run, my toddler learns to speak Chinese and I am a better parent. I see no problems.

Sometimes, even all the happy songs and Blue’s Clues on the planet can’t solve the huge, life destroying problems my toddler faces – such as “Why can’t I eat fourteen lollipops for breakfast?” or “Why did I get yelled at for punching my sister in the head?” Life’s mysteries are SO MYSTERIOUS when you are 2. And when you lack the words to explain why you are so upset, the only way to express yourself is flinging your body on the ground and hitting anything that comes within reach. Obviously.

I have learned the suggestion that one “take a deep breath and count to ten” when one is faced with those kinds of meltdowns isn’t just an expression or a general way saying “chill out”. For it to work, you have to ACTUALLY STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING, close your eyes, take several deep breaths in…and…out…and count to 10 VERY SLOWLY. It’s not going to stop the toddler’s behavior, but it will stop you from throwing your own tantrum in return.

Because that is my biggest parenting challenge: not responding like a toddler when faced with a toddler. Which sounds totally ridiculous – I am a GROWN ASS ADULT. I have leveled up appropriately and unlocked all the adult life achievements (college +1, apartment +1, marriage +1, mortgage +1, credit card + a zillion) and yet when someone screams in my face and lashes out it takes every ounce of my strength not to react in kind. It’s stupid and childish and makes me feel like I truly have absolutely no idea what I am doing when it comes to this parenting gig.

WHY ISN’T THERE A TEST? Or a LICENSE? Some sort of oversight program or home visit or preparedness class I had to attend before I was allowed to get pregnant? Why wasn’t I given some sort of practice training child I couldn’t screw up before I got the final draft? Terrible planning, mother nature. Terrible.

But despite all the toddlering going on, I am taking my deep breaths and learning to be patient. I remind myself (over and over and over and over)(and over and over and over) that this too shall pass. I refuse to argue with a 2 year old and pick my battles much more carefully – is it worth losing my cool over pajama shirts or hair washing or sandals or 3 more bites of dinner or keeping the cushions on the couch or how many blankets to bring downstairs or sharing the red truck instead of the blue truck or the five billion other things Little Evan wants to fight about every single day?

No. No it is not.

At the end of the day, he’s a wonderful boy (Especially at the literal end of the day – bedtime is one thing we’ve got worked out). Smart and funny and kind and generous and joyful and friendly. I look forward to spending time with him and seeing the world as the Super! Awesome! Exciting! Place! he thinks it is. We have such GOOD good times that it makes the bad days seem so much worse. I want to just grab him by the shoulders mid-meltdown and shout “WE COULD BE HAVING FUN! WHY AREN’T WE HAVING FUN?!”

But that’s not very grown-up of me.