Things I learned this weekend:
1. Driving south on I-95 through NYC on a Friday afternoon is a VERY BAD IDEA. Very, very, very, very bad. Unless you have a flying car and an invisibility cape always take 287 over the Tappan Zee Bridge.
2. Although I had heard it was possible to nurse a baby strapped in his car seat in a moving vehicle, now I know for a fact it can be done.
3. Breastfeeding a baby in a moving car is a one way ticket to Sore Nipple Town, by way of the Baby Teeth Express. I’m currently the mayor but don’t plan to run for reelection.
4. If you buy the baby a fancy new toy to entertain him during a long car ride, make sure it has an OFF SWITCH.
5. Tying a baby to a chair is a fast and easy way to enjoy a family meal without a squirming child in your lap. It works best if you have an actual baby-tying device but I suppose duct tape would work in a pinch.
6. When packing to visit your family, be sure to leave extra room in the car for the toys they are sure to have bought the baby AND the stuff they saved from your own childhood.
7. Going back to the house you grew up in feels really weird when you have a husband and a baby.
8. When you have both a grandma and a great-grandma ready to babysit, TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE OPPORTUNITY to go do something without the baby. Preferably something you couldn’t do with a baby, like go to a movie, a bar, or the NRA range.
9. Sometimes the best way to blow off some travel frustration is to shoot stuff. It’s also good to practice your aim to prepare for the zombie apocalypse.
10. Nine hours of heavy traffic and only 3 hours of sleep is worth it to give Great-Grandma a chance to see her only great-grandson on her 80th birthday.

Great Grandma Gayle & Baby Evan

I think this car seat was an excellent purchase

On Tuesday I had my 6 months post-6 week postpartum lady doctor appointment (got that?) at 8:50 am.* Since I a)didn’t plan far enough ahead to ask someone to watch him and b)didn’t want to ask E to take a day off just for a 20 minute appointment (and also c)still can’t won’t don’t want to  leave an unfeedable and possibly separation anxiety suffering baby with anyone) I brought Baby Evan with me.

I didn’t really have a plan as far as how holding a baby during a pelvic exam was going to work, but I figured worse came to worst I could always just set him on the floor and slather him with Purell afterwards. The nurse who called me in for my height and weight seemed a little annoyed that I didn’t have a stroller but another nurse passing by volunteered to hold him. (Pet peeve of the day: when the nurse was taking my weight, she slid the little slidey things but didn’t wait for the bar to stop tipping before writing something down. Listen lady, five pounds may not mean much to you but it does to me!)

Once we got in the exam room I managed to put on the gown while holding Baby Evan in a chair with my foot. All those years of gymnastics and dance classes are finally paying off! But as soon as we settled down to wait the screaming started. The baby was having none of that room and wanted everyone in the building to know about it. It was COLD and BORING and OH SO LONELY and I was MEAN for taking him there!  You think listening to a crying baby in public is annoying? 99% of the time that kid’s mother is ten seconds away from whistling The Star-Spangled Banner and jumping on one leg while shoving a spoon through her eye in hopes the baby might think it’s funny and shut up.

Luckily, before I could start sticking tongue depressors up my nose my doctor came in and volunteered to have a nurse hold Baby Evan during the exam. When I explained he was only screaming because I was keeping him from getting the attention he knew he deserved, she said “Well, then let’s get him some” and whisked him off to reception. I tried to apologize for bringing my baby to my appointment but she brushed me off and said she had been a stay at home mom for years and had had many haircuts while holding a child in her lap.

When we were done and I decided it would be better not to “accidentally” leave my baby at the office for a few more hours, I discovered the decision might be out of my hands – they’d already hired him. Baby Evan was sitting in someone’s lap at the front desk greeting new patients with a “haaaaaiiiii” and trying to help by shoving insurance forms in his mouth and banging on a keyboard. I like to think he was protesting the high co-pays and ridiculous bureaucracy of health care today.

I realize the whole situation makes me kind of a jerk. Showing up with a baby, not being able to keep the baby quiet, passing the baby off on strangers who aren’t being paid to watch him…before I became a mother I would have been horrified to inconvenience anyone that much. But once you have kids you do all sorts of things you never thought you would (charting poop colors anyone? learning all the verses of Hush Little Baby? the mom-spit face cleaning rub?) and sometimes people are going to think you’re a jerk. It’s probably best to just acknowledge it.

*I am officially not pregnant (E: Uh,were we afraid you might be?) but my doctor says I can go ahead and start planning the next one. I said maybe when Baby Evan is a year old, she said if I didn’t refill my mini-pill it would be sooner than I wanted. I said don’t worry I’m still breastfeeding and she said she had a whole photo album full of second children who were conceived that way and she’d see me in a few months.

As I may have mentioned a bazillion or so times, we went down to Pennsylvania to visit my best friend Erin and her husband Mitch for their son Reid’s christening last weekend. And what goes better with infants and church than a beer factory tour? Yuengling is E’s OMG SO GOOD THE BEST EVER FAVORITE beer and they don’t sell it in Connecticut. Sadly, due to family/baby/timing issues we missed the free sample at the end of the tour. E swears he’s been scarred for life and may never recover, but I think the 3 4 5 many bottles he drank Saturday night definitely helped.

They still make beer here during the week but since it was the weekend we didn't get to see any actual production.

The gift shop was oddly lacking in any Yuengling brand baby items.

This is definitely what we're doing to our tree this year.

Some father-son bonding in the bottling building.

The stained glass window cuts down on the sun's reflection off the giant shiny tanks. And is also very pretty.

Erin and her very cooperative Baby Reid, who slept through the whole tour. The blur in the background is Mitch.

My favorite part of the tour: During prohibition, the feds came and built up a brick wall to close off the beer caves. Luckily, Yuengling was still allowed to make a limited amount of beer which was available by doctor's prescription. For who you may ask? Pregnant women and nursing mothers. BREASTFEEDING FTW!

Doesn't E look excited to have TWO babies? At lease Reid and Evan are adorable.

My attempt to pose Baby Evan in his adorable church sweater. This whole mobility thing is severely damaging my picture taking ability.

Ok, good enough.

What I’m about to say is one of those things I probably shouldn’t write down, not because it’s bad or shameful or scandalous but because every time I say something good about the baby he immediately stops doing the good thing and does the complete opposite. It’s the curse of smug parenting – as soon as you start bragging your baby can sleep through the night/eat vegetables/walk/do long division that ability falls right out of their head and you’re up all night/refusing veggies/carrying him/doing all your own dividing. But I’m going to tempt fate by writing it anyways and maybe give some hope to exhausted miserable new parents everywhere.

Having a baby that’s seven and a half months old is awesome.

Our nighttime routine is dependable and portable – the first bedtime with the baby in Pennsylvania was later than normal but by the second night he went to sleep just as easily as at home. All that cuddly co-sleeping didn’t ruin the baby or his ability to self sooth at all. SO THERE PUSHY BABY BOOKS.

He’s the perfect size to prop up in my lap to nurse – no pillows needed – so he’s easy to feed anywhere. He still gets distracted  by loud noises or dogs or new places but he doesn’t bite or pull or try to rip of my nipples and he is very serious about his snacks and gets right back to business. Gotta keep those thighs as enormous as possible!

He has an adorable shy face he uses when women try to talk to him, tipping his face down and peeking out from under his ridiculously long eyelashes. But he’s a big fat faker and is only doing it to draw them in so he’ll get even MORE attention and MORE smiles and MORE “oh what a happy baby!” comments. Who can resist a charming ginger?

He also has a very serious thinking face he uses when he’s concentrating. Usually he’s concentrating on untying my shoes or eating a magazine or trying to climb through the coffee table, but when he sticks out his jaw and bites his tongue and goes “thhhhhhhhpppppt” I immediately forget I was going to scold him.

Mostly, he feels so much like MY BABY now, my very own tiny person that I grew. You get 9 months to prepare your mind and your life for a baby…but no part of pregnancy really prepares you for what it feels like to be someone’s mother. Now, finally, at 7 months I feel like someone’s mother. I love doing new things with him like the aquarium or the park or the beer factory museum. I can’t resist buying him presents every single time I see something I think he might like. Plus, I’ve started referring to Baby Evan and I as “we”, as in “we should probably take a nap” or “we did not nap today” or “WHY AREN’T WE NAPPING RIGHT NOW??” So I’m officially in a committed relationship with my baby. At least I know meeting his family won’t be too awkward.

Look what Baby Evan got in the mail today:

How cool is that?! I had submitted a request for a birth congratulations card when the baby was only a few weeks old and totally forgot about it. Apparently they’re taking a very long time to process under the new administration (Yes we can hold babies!) but they are definitely still sending them out.

You can send a request to:
White House Greetings Office
Room 39
Washington, DC 20500

Include you name, your baby’s name, address and date of birth. I also wrote a little note thanking them for their time.
Unfortunately, Evan’s name isn’t on the actual card but it’s written in caligraphy on the envelope! I’m so excited to put it in his baby book!