Posts Tagged ‘jerks’

The thing about babies

Tuesday, April 20th, 2010

So you know babies? Sometimes I think they can be real jerks. Not jerks like parking in the “Customers with Infants” parking spots even when you clearly do not even have a car seat jerks or throwing your trash on the ground when there’s a trash can right there jerks or driving down the shoulder of the highway in traffic and then flipping me off when I don’t let you cut in jerks. Those kinds of jerks are doing it on purpose. Because they are jerks. But babies, babies just think they’re being funny. For example, mine thinks it’s really hilarious to hit me in the face with stuff. Spoons, sippy cups, his hands. HILARIOUS. As far as I know I’ve never reinforced this behavior in any way – you don’t much feel like laughing when you’ve just taken a spatula to the eye – but no matter how many firm, purposeful “NO”‘s I say he keeps doing it. Jerk.

Baby Evan also likes to play a game called “Let’s do the total opposite of the thing my mommy just said I always do”. So, for example, if I have just finished telling my friends how he’s really started to understand the sign for and word “Stop!” when he’s being naughty, he will immediately throw toys or bite me (did I mention the biting?) or yank the curtains right off the wall, no matter how many times I say “STOP! MAKE WISE CHOICES!” Or I’ll explain how we’ve FINALLY been making progress in the solid food department and Baby Evan ate a whole mini-pretzel just this morning so he would love it if you shared your baby’s snack with him. And then he spits soggy, half chewed Goldfish all over someone’s Vera Bradley diaper bag. Jerk.

Of course, then there’s the opposite baby, the one who screams and thrashes in his car seat, tries to throw himself out of my arms onto the parking lot pavement and kicks me while I buckle him into the shopping cart, only to be the SMILIEST, HAPPIEST, FRIENDLIEST baby even in the History Of The World while I do the grocery shopping. By the time I’m pushing him through the dairy aisle he’s made four new friends and all of them have said “Oh what a goooood baby you are. Is he always such a gooooood baby?” Of course I say yes. They don’t really want to hear about the screaming. Because then I’d look like a jerk.

There’s a chance I’m being unreasonable and childish and a Terrible Mother for saying these things. Maybe. But you didn’t have to clean crap off of EVERYTHING when Baby Evan has a poopsplosion yesterday and then rolled around in it. On the carpet. Laughing. Jerk.

I’ve always relied on the kindness of strangers

Thursday, November 19th, 2009

On Tuesday I had my 6 months post-6 week postpartum lady doctor appointment (got that?) at 8:50 am.* Since I a)didn’t plan far enough ahead to ask someone to watch him and b)didn’t want to ask E to take a day off just for a 20 minute appointment (and also c)still can’t won’t don’t want to  leave an unfeedable and possibly separation anxiety suffering baby with anyone) I brought Baby Evan with me.

I didn’t really have a plan as far as how holding a baby during a pelvic exam was going to work, but I figured worse came to worst I could always just set him on the floor and slather him with Purell afterwards. The nurse who called me in for my height and weight seemed a little annoyed that I didn’t have a stroller but another nurse passing by volunteered to hold him. (Pet peeve of the day: when the nurse was taking my weight, she slid the little slidey things but didn’t wait for the bar to stop tipping before writing something down. Listen lady, five pounds may not mean much to you but it does to me!)

Once we got in the exam room I managed to put on the gown while holding Baby Evan in a chair with my foot. All those years of gymnastics and dance classes are finally paying off! But as soon as we settled down to wait the screaming started. The baby was having none of that room and wanted everyone in the building to know about it. It was COLD and BORING and OH SO LONELY and I was MEAN for taking him there!  You think listening to a crying baby in public is annoying? 99% of the time that kid’s mother is ten seconds away from whistling The Star-Spangled Banner and jumping on one leg while shoving a spoon through her eye in hopes the baby might think it’s funny and shut up.

Luckily, before I could start sticking tongue depressors up my nose my doctor came in and volunteered to have a nurse hold Baby Evan during the exam. When I explained he was only screaming because I was keeping him from getting the attention he knew he deserved, she said “Well, then let’s get him some” and whisked him off to reception. I tried to apologize for bringing my baby to my appointment but she brushed me off and said she had been a stay at home mom for years and had had many haircuts while holding a child in her lap.

When we were done and I decided it would be better not to “accidentally” leave my baby at the office for a few more hours, I discovered the decision might be out of my hands – they’d already hired him. Baby Evan was sitting in someone’s lap at the front desk greeting new patients with a “haaaaaiiiii” and trying to help by shoving insurance forms in his mouth and banging on a keyboard. I like to think he was protesting the high co-pays and ridiculous bureaucracy of health care today.

I realize the whole situation makes me kind of a jerk. Showing up with a baby, not being able to keep the baby quiet, passing the baby off on strangers who aren’t being paid to watch him…before I became a mother I would have been horrified to inconvenience anyone that much. But once you have kids you do all sorts of things you never thought you would (charting poop colors anyone? learning all the verses of Hush Little Baby? the mom-spit face cleaning rub?) and sometimes people are going to think you’re a jerk. It’s probably best to just acknowledge it.

*I am officially not pregnant (E: Uh,were we afraid you might be?) but my doctor says I can go ahead and start planning the next one. I said maybe when Baby Evan is a year old, she said if I didn’t refill my mini-pill it would be sooner than I wanted. I said don’t worry I’m still breastfeeding and she said she had a whole photo album full of second children who were conceived that way and she’d see me in a few months.