Being a stay at home mom is hard. It’s thankless. It’s monotonous. There’s no such thing as sick days. It involves way, way too much poop.

Right now, being a mom seems like CAKE compared to my husband’s job. Especially since the kids are at a sleep-through-the-night, put-on-their-own-shoes, can-be-entertained-with-television-if-I-need-a-break stage and E’s job has none of that. He never gets to sleep through the night, no one at work seems to be able to tie their own shoes without asking for help and even when he’s home in front of the TV he’s thinking about all the stuff he has to do tomorrow (or in 20 minutes, if work calls him in AGAIN). He probably won’t get to go on vacation with us at all this summer and he probably won’t get any real time off until 2014. He doesn’t get lunch dates and trips to the playground and lazy days at home when he’s so tired he can’t keep his eyes open. So even though he gets paid in actual dollars and people (in theory) value his work and give him awards and tell him “great job”, I wouldn’t trade places with him for a second. Well, maybe for a second, but only because he really deserves a break. Although putting me in charge of a nuclear reactor for even a second would be a terrible, terrible mistake.

There have been plenty of times in the past 5 years where the scales went the other way and I was practically homicidal with rage over how I did ALL THE WORK and ALL THE CHILDCARE and ALL THE CLEANING and he was “busy” spending 8 hours rearranging office furniture with a 2 hour lunch thrown in the middle. He’s wasn’t slacking off, he just wasn’t at a very demanding command. But this job he does now? Makes up for every second of relaxation he ever had. If he worked for a civilian company they’d be paying him bazillions of dollars in overtime (or perhaps they’d be in jail for inhumane work conditions) but since it’s the military they can demand all of his time and give him nothing but a terrible headache and a family that missed him.

You know it’s bad when I consider a letter writing campaign to President Obama asking if maybe he can issue a presidential order giving E just ONE weekend off to visit us on vacation. And then I realized even if I was that crazy, E probably wouldn’t take the weekend off, since he’d be screwing over whoever had to fill in for him and might miss something important. He’s a good guy.

Anyways, here’s some photos of the kids and I doing fun stuff over the weekend. The plan is to keep them so busy they don’t notice Mommy is tired and Daddy is gone. Fire trucks are really good for that. So are surprise fairs at the high school with free bounce houses and balloon animals and rubber duckies. It was pretty awesome. Fun fact! It was in the parking lot for my OB’s office and right outside the building where both kids were born.

Tiny speck on the left is Caroline, running to check out the helicopter on her own. I figured a Safety Fair was probably a safe place to let her run around.

She LOVES people in costume.

I hope this is the very last time he is ever in an ambulance.

Learning about ice rescue techniques. Evan said “It’s like a pool noodle!” and the guy was like “Well…yeah. Basically. But we probably paid more.”

Apparently she also loves animatronic cars with voices.

Here’s today’s free tip: THERE IS A REASON IT COSTS A LOT OF MONEY TO HAVE A PATIO PROFESSIONALLY INSTALLED. It is not a nice, easy weekend project. It is a ton of work. Actually several totally literal tons. Tons of brick and sand and gravel and dirt. “More dirt!” was our mantra of the week – even the toddler says is now. Constantly. There is dirt under my fingernails I may never get out. Every surface on the first floor of the house is coated in grime. Even the carpet in my bedroom THREE FLOORS UP is dirty. It’s going to take me another week just to get the house clean.

Ok, it’s going to take me a MONTH to get the house clean – because I’m going to be too busy relaxing on my patio to bother with vacuuming. Who can be bothered when there’s s’mores to be made and wine to be sipped from my classy new plastic wine glasses?

This is not the dramatic before and after picture post (that one is coming as soon as my dining table gets here)(and after E builds me a shelf)(unless he takes a month to build the shelf because I am not waiting that long) that’s going to BLOW YOUR MIND. This is the “look at all the work we did to get to the “after” post” so the after post doesn’t end up being a bazillionty pages long. Now it will only be half a bazillionty pages long.

This is the yard in March, before the lawn guys raked up the leaves and before most of the green stuff came up:

Here’s the yard just last week:

The grill was totally neglected in that dirt spot behind the big tree, the flagstone paths were always full of weeds and impossible to shovel in the winter, the grass never grew next to the garage, the back steps were a MESS and the slope of the yard meant there was a huge mud puddle right in front of the steps when it rains.

It was not a good space, not for me, not for E, not for the kids.

Here’s how we started the project:

E and I tore up all the walkways, but saved the stone to reuse in the project later.

E built a planter bed out of 4×4’s behind the tree so we had somewhere to put all the dirt – and so I had someplace to put all the hostas I dug up when we took out the walkways.

Dad and E spent TWO FULL DAYS just digging. I helped (truly, I did help) but I am just not strong enough to do much good. That tiiiiiny hill to the left of the garage ended up being full of roots and concrete. They worked so hard they both deserve medals. And several cases of beer.

Mom did a GREAT job watching the kids, especially since Caroline has been a crazy teething monster for days and needed CONSTANT attention. I seriously don’t know what I would have done without Mom.

These are the pavers I chose for the patio – they’re just brick that’s gray instead of red. It was a budget choice as much as an aesthetic one (they were about $2.o4 per square foot), but in the end I LOVE them. E and I did all the design stuff ourselves with some practical and/or math help from my Dad. We ordered 2250 of these…and have about 14 left over. GOOD ESTIMATING.

These are the stone we chose for the retaining wall. I was very excited to find that these only cost $2.15 a piece, which was LESS than the ugly cheap looking ones. We went back for more twice to get the height/length of the wall exactly right but since we only bought a dozen at a time we didn’t need them delivered.

So in total, we had to dig down 6 inches from where the top of the pavers were supposed to go to lay down 3 inches of gravel and then an inch of sand (the pavers were 2 inches high). And when we finished digging out each of those layers we had to make sure the top was totally level. E leveled dirt AND gravel AND sand with just some 2×4’s and PVC pipe.

We ordered the gravel and sand from a local family place (actually the same family who we buy our Christmas tree from) and they delivered it all in big giant trucks that dumped it in our driveway. It was SIGNIFICANTLY cheaper (close to 70% less) to order it in bulk than to buy it in bags from the hardware store. They also helped us figure out how many cubic feet to order to cover 500 square feet of ground.

After the gravel was all down, we rented a stamping machine from Home Depot. It took just a few minutes but was TOTALLY WORTH IT. The special gravel is made of lots of different sized pieces so when it gets pounded by the machine it locks itself together and becomes almost like cement. There is NO CHANCE any weeds are growing up through this patio (also because we laid down landscaping fabric).

My dad’s mantra when he does projects is “We have to do it RIGHT.” That included getting the yard almost totally level – I say “almost” because we intentionally sloped it a little so the water would drain away into the flower beds. We also added a drainage pipe to the downspout that runs under those steps made from 6×6’s so water from the gutters won’t wash anything away.

We might have broken our own rule and worked in the dark a few times once we realized we weren’t going to be done with our “easy project” by Wednesday.

The pattern for the pavers is called a basketweave, and that line of bricks around the edge is called a soldier’s course. Doing a curve along that wall and another along the back meant a lot of brick cutting, but Dad had a diamond blade for his saw so it wasn’t too hard. We added black edging to the sections that didn’t abut something solid so the pavers won’t move over time.

Little Evan was an expert shoveler by the end of the week and helped with spreading out the sand. We put sand over the pavers and then rented the stamper machine again. It leveled all the pavers and forced the loose sand into the cracks so now it’s all one extremely solid surface.

After it was stamped and swept again and wetted down we did all the clean-up work – cutting landscape fabric, planting things, putting together furniture, hanging lights. By the time my parents left our driveway on Sunday morning the only thing that wasn’t 100% done is reseeding parts of our lawn.

And here is a sneak peak at my “hanging out on the awesome patio” after photos. Also, my husband’s butt. He was grilling, which makes it even better.

More pictures coming soon – and finished, final, awesome, magazine-worthy makeover pictures coming hopefully before the weekend. Also coming: your invitation to a barbeque. Seriously, who wants to come over?

P.S. Before you ask, the answer to “will you come do mine next?” is NOT FOR ALL THE WINE IN THE WORLD.

Since becoming a  stay-at-home-baby-incubator/stay-at-home-mother/both I’ve experienced every possible emotion regarding my work/lack of work/OMG SO MUCH WORK, ranging from incredible joy to mind-numbing frustration.

This is the best job in the world, why would I EVER want to do something else?!

God staying home is boring. How many years until kindergarten?

I love spending every second of every day with Baby Evan!

This one-income thing SUCKS. Maybe daycare would be worth looking into.

What do you mean I don’t “WORK”. YOU THINK THIS ISN’T WORK!?!?

I don’t think these feelings are the least bit unusual. It’s a rare person who is always happy with every second of their work or home life, even if they’re doing something they love. You don’t even have to be a mom to have days when your job feels pointless and frustrating and you think you must be missing out on something really awesome, some calling that would make you happy every day, some magical fantastic occupation that other people have but you do not. Dissatisfaction is part of the human condition and our ability to imagine how much BETTER things could be sometimes gets in the way of remember how much WORSE things could be.

You know what cures a good old-fashioned case of the woe-is-me’s? Doing good.

This weekend, I spent a few hours helping set up, working at, and breaking down a tag sale my friend April organized as a fundraiser for the Women’s Center of South Eastern Connecticut. It’s part of her Mommies on a Mission initiative, encouraging members of our Luna Mom’s Club to volunteer their time and talents for good causes, which she runs in addition to owning the Stroller Strides franchise, raising her two kids AND being a dedicated Navy wife. (April is kind of amazing. OK, REALLY amazing.) We raised over $800 in cash plus donations of women’s and children’s clothing for families who have been displaced due to domestic violence and need a new start. It’s amazing that you can turn a bunch of old junk into that kind of support with just a few volunteers and a Saturday morning. Playing just a small part in that good deed has given me the warm-fuzzies all weekend. Now I understand why so many otherwise unemployed housewives run charity events/foundations/galas/raffles. Those ladies-who-lunch are really onto something, even if I still can’t help making fun of their oh-no-my-maid-forgot-to-iron-the-sheets type problems.

I actually can’t wait for our next mission so I can get that happy, satisfied feeling of helping someone else again. Even if you don’t have time to organize or volunteer at an in-person event, doing good can brighten your outlook:

Jill from Baby Rabies’ #helpSam fundraiser reached an incredible total of over $9,000 in 3 weeks, thanks to the generosity of some great companies, bloggers and random internet strangers. I spent an afternoon tweet-spamming every celebrity and semi-celebrity I could think of and knowing I helped just a teeny tiny bit brought me to tears when I saw the incredible video Sam’s family created as a thank you.The giveaways are closed but the Paypal account remains open and donations are always appreciated.

Raising Madison is currently running a fundraiser for Keegan, an 8 month old with Medulloblastoma. She’s got some incredible companies on board (hello, who doesn’t want an ERGO?) and not a huge number of entries so PLEASE go over take a look. Just $5 is enough to help make a difference.

The March of Dimes is always accepting donations to make sure all babies are born healthy and full-term. Our team raised $3,000 during our March for Babies back in April and I loved every second of that damp, muddy walk. I’m already looking forward to next year’s event and would encourage everyone to find a walk in their area.

If you know of any other current fundraisers or causes, please link them in the comments. I would love to bring any attention I can to more people who are trying to live by the rule that small deeds make a world of difference.

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.
-Margaret Mead

One is not born into the world to do everything but to do something.
-Henry David Thoreau

I shall pass through this world but once. Any good therefore that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.
-Mahatma Gandhi

So the good news is we won’t be moving this year. The bad news is we won’t be moving this year because E didn’t get selected for Limited Duty Officer by the Navy. Being passed up for LDO sucks, but it sucks extra hard because I know he feels like it’s a direct judgment of his worth as a person. Which I think it RIDICULOUS because he’s amazingly good at his job, including all the itty bitty meaningless hoops the military loves to make people jump through – like always saying numbers a certain way or rechecking a valve you checked literally 30 seconds ago just because it’s a step in the procedure manual. He knows that shit inside and out. His boss got a call from another captain this week just to let him know how awesome E is and how lucky the office is to have him. And yet some guys he’s never met down in Washington DC decided he wasn’t ready to be an LDO based on a few pieces of paper and one interview. I’m so pissed on his behalf I want to punch someone and scream profanity in their stupid faces.

Last year when he didn’t get selected, I wrote a blog post for Military Spouse magazine (which seems to have disappeared into the dark void of the internets Found it) about how even though I was sad for him I was super relieved not to be uprooting our life right then. I was 8 months pregnant, the housing market had just tanked, we were kind of broke, and I was totally unprepared to start over in a new city in a new state. I got a few positive comments about how hard being a military wife can be sometimes, but one asshole wrote a jerk-off post about how I was a terrible person for even THINKING there was an upside to not getting selected, let alone writing about it on the internet. He said my selfish attitude was probably to blame and called me everything besides a traitor to our armed services. Charming and helpful all around.

This time, my disappointment on E’s behalf is greater than my desire not to upset our lives. Even though his selection would mean an even more difficult move, leaving so many more friends, losing all my real-life support, and still be a pain in the ass financially, I know how much he wanted it. How much he DESERVED it. And I am genuinely disappointed that the Navy doesn’t appreciate all his hard work. I guess I’ll just have to make sure he knows I do…until we go through this whole damn mess again next February.

In my previous life, before I had Baby Evan, I worked in a real estate office. It was a job that literally fell into my lap and just seemed to fit. I started just answering the phones but when my boss offered to pay for my real estate licensing class I jumped at the chance. Eventually I was able to do a lot more, from writing contracts to holding open houses and managing all the advertising and paperwork for the office. It was just the right balance of creativity, busy work and down time for me and if things hadn’t changed I would have happily worked in that office for a long time.

Unfortunately, the housing market took a nose-dive, the small family real estate company re-branded itself as part of a large corporate entity, and I struggled to tolerate get along with all the agents in the office. Combined with my early pregnancy all day morning sickness and general malaise, office work no longer interested me and when the owner said they couldn’t really afford to keep me any longer I was happy to leave.

The only part of my job I’ve really missed (besides the paycheck) is my old manager. Her sales and listings created about 80% of my workload and we had a great relationship both inside and out of the office. She was a mentor and a friend and I spent a great deal of time with her and her family and consider them some of my favorite people. We’ve kept in touch for the past year and so when she called last night I was happy to hear from her. Turns out she left our old company and now is the office leader for a large, well established broker just down the street.

“And,” she said, “I’m looking for a part-time assistant. Any chance you want to job?”

I would LOVE the job. It’s only 12 or 15 hours a week. I would be working as her personal real estate assistant making a dollar an hour more than I made before. I could make more than enough money to support my knitting addiction habit and contribute a little to the household budget. I could channel my creativity into something productive instead of making an insane number of first birthday crafts. I could feel productive and helpful and purposeful.

But I have a baby that still doesn’t eat or take a bottle. E’s schedule is too unpredictable to count on him for childcare so I’d have to pay for a sitter. Even if it was just 4 hours it would be more than half my paycheck. Spending time with Baby Evan while he’s still young is worth a lot more to me than making a couple bucks an hour and I’d probably be a pretty lousy employee because I’d spend all my time thinking about what I might be missing. So it’s probably for the best that there is no conceivable way I can take that job right now. I even volunteered to work from home – for free – until she found someone, but I don’t have access to their computer system or the training I need to use it.

Truth is, I’m bummed.