The kids go back to school today after being home all last week. HALLELUJAH. I honestly think part of my recent emotional breakdown was due to having zero time to myself last week. Kids are hard, man.

Speaking of my emotional breakdown, I need to thank every single person who commented or emailed me or gave me a hug in person after I left that big mess of feelings here. (When bloggers say that I always imagine they’ve been completely over-run with supportive emails – I got four, but they were all super amazing.) Knowing I’m not the only person who feels like this instantly made me feel 100% better. I mean, I already knew other people felt like this since I’ve had approximately 3,000 different versions of that same conversation in my lifetime so far, but sometimes it’s nice to just PUT IT ALL OUT THERE and be reminded people are wonderful and lovely and good and willing to cheer me up even if I say “don’t cheer me up!”

I’m taking every bit of advice and encouragement to heart and doing my best to be as kind to myself as every has been to me.

Last night I took a shower with the fantastic new philosophy body wash I bought myself as a treat. I stayed up too late finishing some new artwork for over the fireplace I’m really, really excited about. Today I’m going to the gym, but I’m going to do the stuff I like – the elliptical and the weight machines – and not feel bad I’m not running on the treadmill. Then I’m going to pick up the kids and go do something fun. We’ll run around and enjoy the weather and maybe get a scoop of ice cream and I’ll take five hundred pictures of them. Then we’ll come home and chill out and read books and make something delicious for dinner and talk and laugh and enjoy the life we’re living. I’ll feel the sun on my skin and see the trees about to bust into full leaf and taste every bite of my food and smell the flowers my children pick for me and listen to their laughs and shouts of joy.

I will not let my internal voice be the loudest thing I hear. I will not let it stop me from enjoying the life I have now, even if I’m not comfortable with who I am. I will NOT let this attitude spill over into my children’s minds.

I can’t fix who I am on the outside until I get things back to normal – or maybe until I reset my normal. I need “lose weight” to be at least fifth on my list of daily thoughts, behind “Be a good wife”, “be a good mother”, “enjoy this day and “damn, this bacon is delicious.” Maybe some day I’ll bump it off the list completely. For now I’d just be happy if I can look at a photo of myself ans just think “Wow, she looks happy.”

p.s. My very dear friend Katherine volunteered to sign me up for the Mom on a Mission Challenge to remind me to take care of myself. I gladly accepted her gracious offer and I’m looking forward to really focusing on my own health and fitness in May. It has a small buy-in but you can win cool prizes – and you can be on my team even if you’re not a Stroller Strides member. If you’re interested let me know or check out the information here. I’m not getting anything out of other people signing up and no one asked me to recruit anyone, I just needed the encouragement and a friend recognized that. I’m a very lucky woman.

So…I signed up for an 8 week weight loss challenge and fitness training my friend Wendy is holding.

I’m going to phrase this post as if someone emailed me to ask these questions – I’m having trouble framing it on my own – but really I’m talking to myself. That’s totally normal, right?

What is the Let’s Get Physical challenge?

It starts tomorrow! You can check out the details on her blog, but here’s the gist: Wendy signed up 40+ women who are all working on their fitness (tm Fergie Ferg) to motivate each other. We all bought into the challenge for $25 and there are cash prizes for the people who lose the biggest percentage of weight, plus other prizes along the way. I’m aiming for 12 pounds (realistically) but would be THRILLED if I got to 20. I figure I’ve thrown a lot of money at Weight Watchers and Slim Fast and diet pills in the past – how about this time I motivate myself with a chance to win it back?

What kind of crazy diet are you going try this time?

I’m going to try Paleo. If you’ve read any of my ramblings about finding a diet and lifestyle that works for me long term you might have noticed my friend Erin in the comments trying to convince me to join her cult of bacon. I started reading this website and bought his book (plus the cookbooks) and I’m going to try it. I actually started last week, to see if I could make it even 24 hours without bread and the answer is definitely yes…as long as I can replace it with bacon. I’m also not going to follow it perfectly and I’m not trying to win any “please explain EXACTLY what the reasoning behind this paleo thing is” debates so if you absolutely HATE paleo feel free to tell me but don’t expect a fight. Although if you’re interested/do it too/have questions I would looooove to talk about it on Facebook or email.

Are you going to post before pictures?

Maybe when I have nice thin after ones to show. My before picture was an unpleasant wake-up call at how much weight I’ve put back on since losing 30 pounds last year. I am hoping these are the last “before” pictures I ever take.

This isn’t going to turn into a paleo/diet/cross fit/healthy living blog, is it?

No way. I might tell you about some of the stuff I get to eat (because you’ll be totally jealous) and I’ll probably update in a couple weeks (because hopefully I’ll have exciting! news! to share about how much I’ve lost!) but regular diet updates are a) boring and b) super boring. The group doing the challenge has a private Facebook page so we don’t annoy everyone we know. But like I said, I’m happy to talk to anyone who actually WANTS to hear about it.

So, yeah. I think this is going to be good for me. It might end up being another in a long line of schemes I start and don’t follow through with. And it might turn me into a crazy obsessed dieter who never shuts up. And there’s a distinct possibility I won’t be able to stick to it and I’ll end up cheating and gain 20 pounds from all the bacon. But it’s a new month, we’re starting a new phase in our lives, and it feels like a challenge I’m up for. Wish me luck!

I was really excited for this to be a BIG REVEAL with DRAMATIC PICTURES illustrating how different I look after losing 30 pounds, but instead I’m kind of depressed at how NOT different I look.

Left, May 2011 - Right, March 2012

Although, whoa, did my boobs get smaller. I should try to find a photo of myself at 9 months pregnant with Caroline, since I’ve lost almost 60 pounds total if I’m counting from my highest weight ever. And I DO see a difference, both in pictures (I don’t hate them all!) and in my clothes. I had to buy smaller jeans. My old work wardrobe fits. I ordered a dress in a size medium from ModCloth and am probably wearing right now. Last week I wore a pair of knee-high boots I have literally owned for 3 years and have NEVER gotten to zip over my calves before. And I could write a novel about how much better I FEEL. It’s a cliché, but it’s a totally true cliché. I know I am having a much better time on my trip than I would have had 30 pounds ago and not dreading all the parts that involve a bathing suit.

Of course, I have probably also gained back at least ten of the pounds I’ve lost on the cruise. Can you say midnight chocolate buffet? But honestly, even if I don’t stick 100% to my Weight Watchers plan while I’m gone I have learned a lot about filling up on vegetables and fruit, controlling snacking and portion sizes and balancing treats with activity. Those aren’t hard concepts and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out losing weight is just a calories in vs. calories out equation but no matter how many times I told myself to eat less and move more nothing else has WORKED like Weight Watchers does. I am looking forward to a much more dramatic after picture in the not-too-distant future.

p.s. Has anyone seen my 30 Day Shred DVD? I know I threatened to throw it out the window the last time I tried it, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t. At least 50% sure.

So. My resolutions-goals-plans-whatever get a resounding “meh” right now.

My two big setbacks last week were discovering my BMI still puts me firmly in the “overweight” category and trying to order a dress online that required me to take my measurements, after which I promptly declared my tape measure defective and cried into a bag of candy.

I don’t know why the BMI thing made me so upset. BMI is stupid. I don’t even BELIEVE in BMI as a scale of health. I bet you $100 that when I get to the doctor on Thursday I am declared insanely healthy and my weight isn’t even mentioned. And yet when I saw a link on some website to calculate my BMI I clicked through and did it. Now I feel like all the weight I’ve lost up until this point doesn’t even count because I’m still OVERWEIGHT.

But then there’s the trouble with taking my measurements. I can’t say I don’t believe in inches. It’s one thing to know what size pants I wear and quite another to know how wide around I am in concrete numbers. I can scoff at arbitrary, meaningless clothing sizes easily – I’m swimming in my only pair of dress pants but an old sundress in the SAME SIZE won’t even zip halfway – but an inch is an inch is an inch. (Of course, then I compare the number showing on the tape measure to the ones on the size chart online and oh look, that website thinks I’m a fatty too. Congrats, Chubby, here are the ugly tunics and mom-jeans we’ve decided are the only things we approve for you. Go sit in a corner and feel shamed.)

The truth is no matter how unhappy these stupid numbers make me I have almost reached my deprivation-capacity. I am willing to snack on grapes instead of chips. I am not willing to eat lettuce without any dressing. I am willing to switch to low-fat cheese. I am not willing to give up all dairy. I am willing to watch my portions. I am not willing to feel hungry all the time. I am willing to work out more days a week if it means I can have a burger on the weekends. I am not willing to get up at 4 am to do The 30 Day Shred and STILL skip the burgers.

I consider it a quality of life issue. You know that saying “Nothing tastes as good as thing feels?” Whoever made that up had never eaten REALLY GOOD FOOD.

All those super clean eating raw unprocessed juicing diets might be amazing and everyone always loses a ton of weight but they won’t work for someone who LOATHS them with every fiber of her being. Up to this point I’ve been able to balance my choices and still end up on the winning (losing) side. Having the points from Weight Watches makes it math instead of guessing and I like the structure AND the flexibility. But once I wean Caroline (and the end is near) my body isn’t going to need an extra milk-making calories and I suspect I’ll have to drop dessert AND dairy to stay under my allotted points. Bless me grilled cheesus, I am just not sure I can do it.

The silliest part of all of this is I am still losing weight. My doubts are just SPECULATION about my FUTURE weight loss and depression over the total number of pounds I have to go before I am in the “normal for my height” range. I think I need a smaller goal – teeny tiny, like ONE POUND LOST – next week and a real reward for reaching it. It just probably shouldn’t be cheese.

I LOATH turning January 1st into some sort of magical diet-starting day, as if the flipping of a calendar page can somehow change all of my poor eating habits, rip out my crazy sweet tooth and give me the motivation to work out during every nap time instead of sitting on the couch watching Judge Judy. And with so many people kicking off their diets or fitness plans it feels like I can’t escape the constant deluge of advice and tips and tweeted pictures of sad little yogurt cups. Your yogurt makes me SAD, friends. Please throw some granola and a few berries on top. Personally, I think January is the WORST time to start a diet plan. Do you have seasonal amnesia? Do you REMEMBER what January is like in 75% of the country? Cold. Dark. Dreary. Miserable. Mind-numbingly boring. An endless stretch of nothingness punctuated by housebound snow days and pajama pants. If you love the symbolism of a brand new year as a fresh start towards your goals then go ahead, fight the crowds and sign up for that gym membership – but don’t be surprised when the siren song of pizza delivery and unplowed roads drives you totally insane. I vote we all start making Memorial Day Resolutions or Arbor Day Resolutions or National Day After National Chocolate Chip Cookie Day Resolutions instead.

That being said, as of Monday I’m back to strict point tracking with Weight Watchers and recommitted to attending Stroller Strides at least 4 days a week. Pot, kettle, etc etc. But the truth is with Caroline’s first birthday in my rear-view mirror, I have passed the “just had a baby” excuse for anything and I’m really sick of feeling like such a MOM in my body. I’m not even talking just about my weight. I actually don’t feel so bad about that. The 20-something pounds slash jean size I’ve already lost have done WONDERS for how I feel, especially when it comes to photos of myself. Go ahead! Snap a candid shot! From a low angle! I fully accept that those arms are attached to my torso!

What I really mean is I wear far too many stretchy pants and sweatshirts. I own jeans my own mother is too cool to be seen wearing in public. I haven’t had my hair cut and colored professionally since before I was pregnant. The first time. I am a grown-up with a mortgage and two kids and yet I still don’t wash my face before I go to bed. I cannot stop myself from eating an entire bag of candy if it’s anywhere in my house.  I haven’t gotten more than 4 hours of sleep in more than a year.

Whoa, that turned really whiny really fast. This is the least original post ever in the history of mom blogging – committing to taking better care of myself so I can feel better is like the super graphic but somehow still boring birth story of 2011.  Sorry for the self-pity parade, but it has been a Tough Week with a non-sleeping baby and no pints of ice cream to self-medicate and we did a goal setting exercise at Stroller Strides that made me thinking writing this stuff down somewhere where I could be held accountable might not be a bad idea.

So, here’s the facts:
I would like to lose 15 pounds before we take our super special bathing-suit based vacation in March
I would like to lose 30 more pounds total
When I get to 150 pounds, I get a new tattoo as a reward
When I get to my goal weight I get to buy a pair of REALLY EXPENSIVE jeans that REALLY FIT as a reward
I will get my hair cut/colored at a real salon where I have to make an appointment
I will get at least one pedicure this year (yikes)
I will wash my face at night – or at least MOST nights, or at least wipe it off with those cloth things

I’m not going to make some sort of promise to record my journey and document all my triumphs and set backs (pause for the collective sigh of relief) but I might mention it. And if you happen to see me hanging around Twitter making EAT ALL THE CANDY comments, maybe remind me I really really want that new tattoo.

tl;dr version – I’m turning 30 in April, so it’s time to stop feeling like shit about myself.