Besides announcing I was pregnant, I haven’t blogged much about potential ginger baby #3. I don’t want him/her to read my blog some day (originally documented to record literally every single thought I had about my first pregnancy/baby/Baby Evan from the second I got a positive on the stick) and think he/she wasn’t as wanted. I just don’t have a desk job, unlimited internet and 24 hours a day to think about nothing but BABY BABY BABY BABY anymore. In my mother’s day, this shows up in the fact that I have 3+ photo albums of my childhood, my sister has 2, and my brother has…almost 1.  Today you are less heavily featured on social media. 2014, baby!

Before I wrote this, I had to find an online calculator that would tell me how pregnant I was based on my due date. I’ve been saying “Uh…15ish weeks?” for a while now, since I lost a week based on the measurements at my first ultrasound and I keep forgetting to subtract it and I can’t remember which day I flip over to the next week. Plus I’m assuming the end of the pregnancy will be as miserable as the last one (quick recap: tons of pain, kidney stones, surgery, kidney infections, pre-eclampsia, induction) and I’ll probably be induced again. If I was a character on Downton Abbey this wouldn’t end well. Thank God for my modern medicine and weekly check ups – it helps to know they’re keeping a close watch on me. To sum up that rambling: Not sure when I’ll have this kid, probably July.

I had my second doctor’s appointment yesterday with one of the midwives. Everything is entirely normal, despite the fact that I got my first talking-to about how much weight I’ve gained/might potentially gain. I don’t actually know my starting weight OR my current weight – I had hoped it wouldn’t be an issue at all but I don’t think I’m going to be that lucky. I’m surprised though – besides an endless craving for McDonald’s bacon, egg and cheese biscuits (a horrible craving, since I can only get them in the morning and I mostly want them at 9 pm) I haven’t been eating much or badly. My nausea has kept me from pulling the “PREGNANT! TIME FOR ALL THE FOODS!” card. I’ve been getting to the gym as much or even more than I was pre-pregnancy. I’m not sure what else I am supposed to do so I only gain a couple more pounds in the next 25 weeks (stop eating? take up marathon running???) so I’m going to just let my perfect blood work and amazing blood pressure make me feel better.

On a less complainy note, we’re not finding out if it’s a boy or a girl. I have one of each, so I have stuff for each (and really, is there anything for babies that HAS to be either/or? No, there is not) and I like the idea of being surprised. E doesn’t care. I’m shocked he doesn’t care, but he really doesn’t, at all, not a bit, zero percent. I thought I might have to talk him into waiting but he was totally on board. I think he thinks it will keep me from buying a lot of baby stuff and he might be right. So far I haven’t been tempted to change my mind, but that hasn’t prevented GUESSING. Currently I guess girl, but that changes fairly regularly. I never thought I’d be a person who didn’t find out, since I figured I’d always have a preference (no matter how slight) and I’d want time to accept and get used to the idea. But this time I really don’t care. Caroline says it’s a girl we should name “Caroline Baby Jesus” and Evan says it’s a boy we should name “Diny” (short for Dinosaur) and they like the idea of being surprised when the baby comes out too. Although my poor kids have no idea what getting a new sibling really means, so boy/girl won’t be their ONLY surprise.

The kids go back to school today after being home all last week. HALLELUJAH. I honestly think part of my recent emotional breakdown was due to having zero time to myself last week. Kids are hard, man.

Speaking of my emotional breakdown, I need to thank every single person who commented or emailed me or gave me a hug in person after I left that big mess of feelings here. (When bloggers say that I always imagine they’ve been completely over-run with supportive emails – I got four, but they were all super amazing.) Knowing I’m not the only person who feels like this instantly made me feel 100% better. I mean, I already knew other people felt like this since I’ve had approximately 3,000 different versions of that same conversation in my lifetime so far, but sometimes it’s nice to just PUT IT ALL OUT THERE and be reminded people are wonderful and lovely and good and willing to cheer me up even if I say “don’t cheer me up!”

I’m taking every bit of advice and encouragement to heart and doing my best to be as kind to myself as every has been to me.

Last night I took a shower with the fantastic new philosophy body wash I bought myself as a treat. I stayed up too late finishing some new artwork for over the fireplace I’m really, really excited about. Today I’m going to the gym, but I’m going to do the stuff I like – the elliptical and the weight machines – and not feel bad I’m not running on the treadmill. Then I’m going to pick up the kids and go do something fun. We’ll run around and enjoy the weather and maybe get a scoop of ice cream and I’ll take five hundred pictures of them. Then we’ll come home and chill out and read books and make something delicious for dinner and talk and laugh and enjoy the life we’re living. I’ll feel the sun on my skin and see the trees about to bust into full leaf and taste every bite of my food and smell the flowers my children pick for me and listen to their laughs and shouts of joy.

I will not let my internal voice be the loudest thing I hear. I will not let it stop me from enjoying the life I have now, even if I’m not comfortable with who I am. I will NOT let this attitude spill over into my children’s minds.

I can’t fix who I am on the outside until I get things back to normal – or maybe until I reset my normal. I need “lose weight” to be at least fifth on my list of daily thoughts, behind “Be a good wife”, “be a good mother”, “enjoy this day and “damn, this bacon is delicious.” Maybe some day I’ll bump it off the list completely. For now I’d just be happy if I can look at a photo of myself ans just think “Wow, she looks happy.”

p.s. My very dear friend Katherine volunteered to sign me up for the Mom on a Mission Challenge to remind me to take care of myself. I gladly accepted her gracious offer and I’m looking forward to really focusing on my own health and fitness in May. It has a small buy-in but you can win cool prizes – and you can be on my team even if you’re not a Stroller Strides member. If you’re interested let me know or check out the information here. I’m not getting anything out of other people signing up and no one asked me to recruit anyone, I just needed the encouragement and a friend recognized that. I’m a very lucky woman.

An extremely nice PR rep I’ve worked with in the past sent me an email waaaay back in May asking if I’d ever heard of Moringa Oil and would I be interested in trying some out? Oh and did she mention it’s great for sunburns? Since I knew we’d be spending a lot of our summer outside/at the beach/on a boat I said “No but yes and yes please!”

I wasn’t exactly sure what I was getting into, but this is what I learned about Moringa Oil:

Because of its potent composition with high levels of oleic fatty acid, Moringa oil spreads easily on the skin, without causing greasiness or stickiness, and readily penetrates the top skin layer. This allows Moringa’s mixture of naturally occurring vitamins A, C, E and other beneficial compounds such as zeatin to permeate skin cells below to support new cell growth and faster repair.

Rich in over 90 nutrients such as vitamins, proteins, amino acids, iron, calcium and anti-oxidants, Moringa oleifera is the most nutrient dense plant yet discovered. The health and beauty applications of Moringa oleifera, the “Miracle Tree,” extend from supporting increased energy, auto-immune health, focus and emotional balance, to reparation of skin elasticity, minimizing wrinkles and making hair more manageable.

Hey, that sounds pretty good. When I got my sample I decided to try it out on as much of me as possible. I got a bottle of plain Moringa Oil to use for beauty type stuff, but not for eating – although they do make capsules if you wanted to try it as a supplement. I already mentioned that I’ve been using it in my hair as a de-frizzer and to soften the dry ends, but here’s my full report:

The oil is a tiny bit thicker than other body oil products I’ve used, so it’s easy to pour a little into my hand and spread it on my whatever bit of me needs oiling. It absorbs well – not instantly, but it doesn’t leave me greasy and unable to get dressed for hours (although I wouldn’t put on a silk dress for a couple minutes – if I owned any silk dresses). I’ve tried it on all my rough spots and it smooths them out nicely all day. It doesn’t have a strong scent, which means it doesn’t make me smell like a a coconut or a flower and I can still wear my own perfume if I want to.

As for sunburns, so far this summer I’ve managed to mostly avoid them (yah for diligent sunscreen applications!) but I have been using Moringa Oil on my skin after long days outside. My tan looks really great and the pinkness from just a liiiiiitle too much sun always fades quickly (something it doesn’t usually do, thanks to extremely Scandinavian genes). The one painful burn I got was on my upper thigh – the kind of spot that NEVER sees the sun unless you’re sitting at just the wrong angle for too long. I put Moringa Oil on it before bed and in the morning it was much less red. I reapplied and the burn faded within 24 hours. I never peeled. I used it on Evan when he got too much sun too (no matter how diligent I am with his sunscreen he always seems to get a little pink). He never complained of pain or itching, the red always faded very fast, and he didn’t whine at all when I made him hold still so I could apply it.

I have a small bottle I’ve been using fairly often since May, but it’s still half full. A little goes a long way, like with most oils. Besides the basic oil I used, they also offer a spa collection with scents like chocolate and lavender which sounds amazing. Check out their website for tons of great information.

Are you intrigued? Do you love kind of hippie, natural beauty stuff as much as I do? Would you be interested in trying out Moringa Oil for yourself? Leave a comment on this post for a chance to win a bottle!

I’m going to be out of town (for YOU KNOW WHAT) next week, so I’ll make this short and sweet. One comment per person, giveaway ends Sunday night 7/29 at 5 pm. Winner will be chosen using random.org. Good luck!

Disclaimer: I was given a bottle of Moringa Oil to try so I could write an honest review. No other compensation was received and there are no hidden catches.

When I wrote out my New Year goals, I made a corresponding list of rewards for reaching certain milestones. People do this all the time, often to great effect. Once you lose some weight you can buy new shoes! Get a manicure! Take a vacation! You deserve nice things because you’ve worked so hard! So for two months now I’ve been thinking about the new tattoo I’ll get or the new haircut I’ll splurge on or the new jeans I will buy. Eventually. Someday.

And in the meantime I’ve felt dumpy and boring and unattractive. It’s really too bad there’s a law that says being overweight means I can’t have nice things.

OH. WAIT.

The idea that my pants size should prevent me from treating myself well is bullshit. Bullshit I say! It’s part of that terrible, dangerous idea that if only I weighed X all my problems would be solved. It’s putting my life on hold until I achieve some arbitrary ideal that matters exactly zero point zero percent to anyone. It didn’t work when I was 17, it didn’t work when I was 23, and it’s not going to work now when I’m 30. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to knock it off, but instead I will tell you:

You will never, ever get to a weight that will MAKE you happy. You can choose to be happy right now.

Reward yourself for surviving today. Buy new shoes because they make you smile. Buy new jeans because they make the ass you have look fantastic. Get a scoop of ice cream because ice cream is delicious. Book a massage because life is stressful and massages are awesome. Get a manicure because it makes you feel good about yourself and when you feel good about yourself you treat yourself better – both physically and mentally.

I’m not saying I’m quitting my diet. I’m not saying I don’t still want to be thinner. I’m not saying I won’t celebrate when I get to my milestones. But it’s so much easier to not eat my feelings when my feelings are happy, light and beautiful. Why not do something now that makes me feel good?

Pink hair. My 10th grade self just squeed with joy.

I am done waiting to be happy. I am doing nice things for myself today, right now. I don’t have to earn my happiness – I am choosing to love myself today.

This time last year I was lying on the couch sobbing into a pillow because I was SUPPOSED to be going to Ohio for Thanksgiving but I was too busy throwing up from pain and worrying my husband was going to think I was faking it to get out of seeing his family. I was also 35 weeks pregnant. I ended up in the hospital and spent the actual holiday having surgery to remove a kidney stone.

It was the worst Thanksgiving ever. I never got a single piece of pumpkin pie.

This year, we are with family. This year, I am healthy. This year my kidneys are behaving themselves. This year I have two perfect outside babies. This year I am going to eat a TON of pumpkin pie.