Which came first: The horrible cold that led to puking, cramps and frequent runs for the bathroom OR puking, cramps and frequent runs for the bathroom as a sign of early labor, leaving a 9 month pregnant woman tied to her couch and stopwatch, time contractions instead of sleeping?

Ok, so maybe not the oldest question.

As a public service announcement for all pregnant women, please take note. If you are sick – even just a little sick, like coughing or a running nose or a symptom that’s kind of annoying but wouldn’t cause an otherwise healthy person to take a day off or skip a party – STAY THE EFF AWAY. My body is already dealing with one 8 lb parasite, it doesn’t need millions of tiny ones running amok. Thanks bunches.

1. You plan a day of errands around which stores have the cleanest bathrooms.
2. Really old people start holding the door open for you.
3. The children’s section of the bookstore is suddenly your favorite place on earth.
4. When cashiers ask “Would you like to donate to the Children’s Shelter/Hospital/Cancer Society” you always say yes. You may also cry a little.
5. Spending $50 on a fancy diaper trash can seems perfectly reasonable.
6. You walk waddle down the cat-calliest street in town and don’t get a single whistle.
7. Staring at tiny diapers is just as entertaining as staring at George Clooney.
8. Making it to the post office, library, dry cleaners AND grocery store in one day is a huge accomplishment.
9. No one looks at your boobs anymore because your belly is so much huger.
10. Your mailbox is full of coupons, samples and letters from baby-product companies that start “Congratulations on your new arrival!” You consider peeing on them before sending them back with a note that says “I’m still pregnant, douchebags!”

While catching up on the pregnancy message boards today I came across a discussion of how many outfits you need to bring to the hospital for the baby. I was sort of under the impression that the hospital gave you a little t-shirt, a diaper, and a hat – so WTF do you need outfits for? My baby books suggest weather-appropriate “going home” clothes, so I was going to throw one of the eight million onesies in my bag along with a blanket in case it’s extra cold. But some of these women are bringing four different changes of clothes for a child that is less than 72 hours old, including a formal outfit for pictures and PJ’s for visiting hours.Y’all, it’s a newborn baby. Not only does it not NEED four different outfits, what kind of person looks at an infant and says “Sure your baby is cute but what is it wearing? That color is totally unflattering and that diaper makes its butt look big”.

Dear Baby Evan,

I’m really sorry about that little incident yesterday with the stove. I didn’t mean to almost set you on fire while getting a bowl out of the cabinet above the microwave. Trust me, realizing my belly is leaning against a hot burner wasn’t really fun for me either. But since you find it amusing to see just how far you can stretch my stomach in the few weeks you have left, I have to warn you something equally unpleasant might happen again. I may, for example, accidentally stab you with a pair of scissors while trying to cut open the plastic packaging on one of the baby shower gifts. Although that seemed to hurt me more than you. I mean, it WOULD. Hypothetically, of course. So in conclusion, to avoid any more belly accidents I think you may want to consider making an appearance ASAP. I promise not to set you on fire.

Love and Kisses,
Mommy

Two of my best and oldest friends got me a spa gift certificate for my baby shower, good for a pregnancy massage at  the Red Door Spa in Mystic. I cannot emphasize enough how much any pregnant woman would appreciate this, but it was extra nice to have after a stressful weekend with quite a lot of family. A pregnancy massage is almost the same as a regular massage except you lie on your side instead of your stomach and the table raises your head and feet up so you don’t ever lie flat on your back. My therapist focused most of her attention on my legs and hips and even used a special gel that’s supposed to increase circulation and help with swelling. My joints definitely feel less stiff and I plan to do nothing but lie on the couch chugging water for the rest of the day to flush out my system. As much as I love all the adorable baby stuff I got for my shower, it was SO NICE to get something for just for me (actually, Evan’s cousin got me fancy bath stuff too – I’m going to bring it to the hospital for after labor). On behalf of pregnant women everywhere, I suggest spa gift certificates should be added automatically to baby registries. THANK YOU again to Sara and Erin for an awesome day.