I’ve missed being awake before 9 am, if only because I’ve been missing the really good infomercials. Today I watched one called “Your Baby Can Read!” It apparently tries to teach your child how to do something called “reading” that involves “books” and possibly “flashcards”. You’re supposed to spend lots of time with your baby, providing mental stimulation for their tiny brains. These crazy parents, don’t they know that’s what TV is for? But luckily, it only takes a few minutes a day! And you can start teaching them words at 8 months! And it can cure your baby’s heart defect! Ok, maybe not that last one, but one of the women in this infomercial implies it. Which was the point when my eyes rolled so hard I think I pulled a muscle.

Don’t get me wrong, I love books. My mom brought up all my children’s books and I’ve already starting reading them out loud to my stomach. (Do you remember “Hundreds of Cat?” How about “George and Martha” the hippos? Would you like to see my signed Tomie dePaola book?) I love love love reading and I hope Baby Evan learns to love it too. I just don’t think I need to spend a ton of money on videos or guides or tiny whiteboards to instill that love. If I’m going to waste hundreds of dollars on teaching my baby a useful skill, it’s going to be more like bar tending or car repair.

You may want to re-think reading this blog. I have officially entered the stage of pregnancy where the gross stuff happens. All the cute parts are over until I get through labor and delivery and have an actual baby to talk about, with maybe a few exceptions for photos of my baby shower or nursery. Even if I have funny stories or amusing anecdotes to share I cannot guarantee they won’t involve words like “mucus plug”.

I can say that pregnancy is like body-function boot camp for people who still call their gynecologist a “lady doctor” or light candles every time they crap. I made my first “can someone tell me what the hell is happening?” call to my doctor’s office today, and explained some very personal anatomical details to three different people before a nurse finally suggested I just come in and let someone take a look. So now I get to show three different people some very personal anatomical details. And since I doubt I’m actually in labor, this will only be one of about a dozen pelvic exams I get to look forward to in the next four weeks. Oh the joys of pregnancy.

I present these with no further comment, other than Tracy the photographer was great and having photos to document this part of my life is priceless. Oh, and #6 is DEFINITELY my favorite, I’m going to print and frame that one.

My house is full of people for my baby shower.

Dear People,
I love you all very very much and appreciate that many of you have come a long long way to visit me. But I need you to understand that for reasons I would rather not explain further than “I’m pregnant” I cannot sit in normal chairs for more than a few minutes. My soft comfy couch is the only thing standing between me and a donut shaped pillow and I’m trying to save that very special experience until after I give birth.
Thanks and Kisses!

I was really happy I had an appointment today, since I wanted to mention to the doctor that I didn’t think the baby was moving as much as he had been. He isn’t not moving, he just wasn’t as kicky yesterday and after the article on Jezebel about stillbirths I had myself all kinds of freaked out. My midwife was very understanding and checked for a heartbeat right away (totally fine), said my blood pressure was good, and my ankle swelling was within normal range – but I did have some protein in my urine. I don’t know why that’s bad but this is the first time it’s happened. She checked with the doctor and he said I should go up to Labor & Delivery for a non-stress test (NST) just to be on the safe side. I was relieved I wasn’t going to have to throw a fit to be taken seriously but scared that obviously the medical staff was concerned enough to order a test.

Despite having regular pre-natal care, I sort of feel like my doctor has WAY too much faith in my ability to do things right in regards to this baby. Ten minutes on the internet will give a pregnant woman nightmares for weeks, why does anyone think I am responsible enough to know if a pain or a feeling is normal? I’ve never done this before, I have no idea what I am doing. I think a nurse should just follow me around all the time, asking me how I feel and taking my blood pressure every 30 minutes. Maybe she could bring me water and cookies too. I think selling full time nurse care to rich pregnant women might be my million dollar business idea.

Luckily, my NST showed no problems, just a very happy baby running out of space and a couple of Braxton-Hicks contractions. They took another urine sample (good thing I have to pee all the time anyway) and did a Strep test that involves swabbing the opposite of my tonsils (figure it out) and scheduled me for another appointment in a week. No one starts looking at my actual cervix until 39 weeks so I have no idea if the baby plans to make his escape earlier than April 1st. I can only hope.