Signs you are no longer cool or hip or happening or whatever those crazy kids are calling it these days and are instead just plain OLD:

1. You drive a minivan.
2.You drive a minivan into a city you used to be terrified of driving in.
3. You think $7 for valet parking is a great deal, especially because it means you don’t have to PARK a minivan in a city you used to be terrified of driving in.
4. You have to eat a First Dinner at 5 pm because Real Dinner isn’t scheduled until 8 pm.
5. You are totally baffled by the fact that people don’t go “out” until after 11:30. What are they doing until then?!
6. You don’t know all the words to Ke$ha’s Tik Tok.
7. You had to look up both the name “Ke$ha” and what that song was called. And had to double check it twice because is there really a dollar sign in that child’s name?
8. You buy a round of shots (and a Diet Coke) for $27 and can’t believe you were ever too poor to buy your own drinks.
9. You think all the guys look like douchebags and can’t understand what they’re wearing.
10. Your feet hurt even in flats.
11. YOU ARE 5 MONTHS PREGNANT.
12. You stab people with your car keys to get them out of your way when you want to leave.
13. You leave by midnight.
14. You wake up the next morning hung over – even though you didn’t drink any alcohol.
15. You can’t wait to get home to see your husband and baby.

As the weekend of August 7-8 quickly approaches, I know you must have a lot of questions about not attending BlogHer. What won’t it be like? What won’t I wear? Who won’t I see? What if no one likes me? Don’t worry! As an expert in not attending – I haven’t gone for the past 7 years straight – I can hold your hand through this sometimes stressful process. Here are 6 simple steps to ease your concerns:

1. Relax
Even though I know you feel like the only one, there are literally millions of people not attending BlogHer. Some of them will even manage to survive the weekend. Freaking out about living your life as you would on any other day of the year is unnecessary. Act as you normally would, including these possible activities: sleeping, eating, showering, changing into clean pajamas, taking artsy pictures of food, cleaning up poop, spending money on Etsy on stuff you don’t need, staring at your Google reader hoping someone updates, wondering why no one ever calls anyone on the phone anymore.

2. Consider your wardrobe
Staying home definitely has its advantages. You don’t have to try to understand the difference between semi-casual cocktail evening dress attire and semi-formal afternoon reception I’m judging you in that skirt attire. You may even want to buy a new pair of stretchy pants for the occasion, just to celebrate not having to spend two days hoping no one notices your Spanx.

3. Write posts your readers actually care about
Although the whole BLOGGING world cares about BlogHer, I can assure no one else does. Become an internet beacon of light and joy to everyone who will be hiding from their RSS feeds, avoiding eight zillion blurry group shots where everyone is looking in different directions and wearing lampshades on their heads. In comparison, your poop tweets and posts about your kid’s sleep habits seem FASCINATING.

4. Avoid swag drama
If you want free stuff, I suggest rummaging your neighbor’s trash cans at night or stalking yard sales at 3 pm. Besides, Crocs are wicked ugly and McDonald’s is bad for you. Bonus: You don’t have to somehow work “Doctor Bob’s Amazing Vanishing Wart Remover” into your next post just because you took that sample for, uh, a friend.

5. Don’t wonder if people are ignoring you on purpose
A major advantage of staying home is not finding out one of your blogging heroes is really a giant jerk. This may come as a shock, but did yo know a lot of people are different in real life than they are online? And just because you comment on every.single.post. a blogger writes they still might not know who you are. It’s much safer and less soul crushing to stick to believing you two are BIFFs (best internet friends forever) and think fondly about that time she sent you an email – even if it was just about that giveaway you won.

6. Stop complaining
Constantly blogging or tweeting about how you’re NOT at BlogHer is almost as annoying as constantly blogging and tweeting about how you ARE. If it means you have to close TweetDeck for 48 hours, it’s a small price to pay to avoid pissing off half your followers. If you’re so broken up about it you can’t think of anything else, I suggest seeking counciling from other non-attendees and large quantities of alcohol (bonus: you’ll almost feel like you’re there!)

Remember, this is just ONE conference in ONE city ONE year. The internet will not forget who you are if you don’t get to meet some of them face to face and there are no free 10-day dream vacations to Paris in the swag bags. BlogHer attendance does not qualify you for some sort of Best Blogger of The Whole Interwebs award delivered by the Old Spice guy vomiting rainbows while riding a unicorn even if those bitches who went say they totally got one. Just follow my handy guide and maybe you’ll be one of the lucky non-attendees who wakes up Monday August 9th still alive and allowed to write stuff on the internet.

Besides, there’s always next year.

So the other day I was sitting on the couch when something started to stink. The obvious answer to the “who crapped their pants?” question around here is Baby Evan, so I demanded he come over and let me stick my face in his butt immediately. I said, mostly to myself, “How do you smell buddy?”

And this was my answer.

and P.S. The thing he has in his hand at the end is a baby wipe, with which he is wiping things. Because the clean-up game is his new favorite.

Not so much.

It’s incredibly unfortunate that the son of a Navy Chief and the grandson of a Coast Guard Officer (official motto: Semper Paratus, which is Latin for “why aren’t you wearing your life jacket????”) would hate the water. And yet Baby Evan has gone from perfectly happy to be placed in large, questionable bodies of water to refusing to even stand near a sprinkler. It’s also unfortunate that his parents wasted an enormous amount of money on a boat they can’t really afford thinking it would be a fantastic way to spend time as a family. Now “spending time as a family” consists of alternately clutching a thrashing screaming child and shoving a boob in his mouth to try and calm him down. (That last one is mostly me.)

I seem to have accidentally stumbled upon a solution to our problem though. Or at least, found a cause/effect relationship…

Shorts + shirt + infant life jacket = WTF is wrong with you people??

Swim trunks + rash guard + boat = SRSLY GUYS GET ME OUT OF HERE.

At the lake, this combo is still unpopular.

This was a major breakthrough, accomplished with LOTS of coaxing.

Look Evan! LOOK! DUCKS! Quack quack quack quack!!!! Duckies!!! Isn't that EXCITING? Don't you want to SWIM like the DUCKIES?!?!

Haven't you give up yet woman?

OK. I touched it. Almost. Good enough. And now I am DONE.

Phew, finally part of this water park thing I can get on board with.

Have you seen the trend yet? The one thing all these pictures have in common and the one thing we could change to try and make the baby happier?

Can you see it now?

How about now?

So I guess our current choices are join a nudist colony or just invest in LOTS of sunscreen.

Alas poor Nuby cup, Baby Evan loved thee well. But now the time has come to go to the great dishwasher in the sky, to join in drippy celebration with others who have gone before. Where juice and milk flow in abundance, and no one every throws you on the floor. Farewell dear Nuby, for although your life has been far to short we know it is time to part because….

…THIS? This is just unacceptable. Spill-proof my ass. Piece of crap.