I did a post last year right before BlogHer with pictures of my face. I wanted people to recognize me and say “Hi” if they saw me, since I can be insanely awkward about approaching people. I always assume I’m going to annoy them, so I tend to just slink around in the background, being lurky and weird which just annoys people MORE. Combine that with the fact that I rarely post pictures of my own face without a filter or some photoshopping or from reeeeeally far away and I worry I will walk right past every single person I want to meet without speaking to them. So here’s a guide to my face, and the faces I will be making at BlogHer:

This is what I like to THINK I will look like at BlogHer. Happy, brushed hair, a little bit of make-up, pulled together, uneven eyebrows (DRIVES ME CRAZY).

This is what I will probably actually look like at BlogHer, when I get REALLYCLOSE to read your name tag and realize I love you and that I’ve been looking forward to meeting you for ages. Last year we called this my baby-snatcher face, but I assure you I gave back ALL the babies. I’M SO EXCITED! I’M SO EXCITED! I’M SO…SCARED.

This is me saying “HAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIII!” which is something I actually say in real life. Don’t be scared.

This is my listening face, which looks like my bitch face. It makes my wonky eyebrow look extra wonky and I get a frowny line between my eyebrows but I swear I really am listening intently and not judging anything you’re saying.

This is my nervous quiet face. I am literally chewing a hole in the side of my face because I am worried I am going to say something stupid. I usually gnaw on my cheek until it really really hurts and then disinfect it with alcohol. Speaking of which…

This is my classy cocktail drinking face. I like to order really fancy things that involve chocolate and/or sugared rims.

This is a much more accurate drinking face. My flask will probably be full of something extra classy like peppermint schnapps or Kahlua.

This is my OMG THEY’RE PLAYING USHERRRRRRRR LET’S DANCE! face. I apologize in advance for hitting you with my hair while I’m tossing it around. I will probably also run up on the stage to dance near the DJ because inside I am still 22 and cool enough to do things like that.

This is my drunk face, also known as my “Do you think I should get bangs?!” face, my “Let’s go get a TATTOO!” face and my “Where did my shoes go?” face. This face needs a bottle of water and a possibly a bucket. You are most likely to see this face at Sparklecorn.

But I’ll leave you with my hair in a pony tail, kind of shiny, smiley face, because it is the one I HOPE gets to meet you next week. SO EXCITED.

This year, a bunch of us decided we would all do faces posts and link up. It’s not too late for you to join in!

So as I’ve mentioned a time or twenty bazillionty, I’m going to San Diego for a blogging conference this week. In theory I am there to learn more about how to be an awesome blogger (including a class on proper grammar and sentence structure so maybe I’ll learn to stop using words like “bazillionty”)(or maybe to stop interrupting myself with parenthetical statements)(that one’s probably not going to stick) but mostly I am going so I can finally put faces – and arm hugs – to all the ladies I’ve met through the internet and who are part of my life on a daily basis.

One of my biggest fears for the conference is that I will walk right past someone I desperately wanted to meet and I won’t recognize them. I am TERRIBLE at faces (actually, I’m worse at names, so that’s a whole other level of palm-sweating awfulness) and it gets extra hard because the only pictures I’ve ever seen of some of these women are teeny tiny camera phone pics taken from a super flattering angle and edited heavily with Instagram filters. People don’t generally post pictures of their “oh my God I’m so tired and I miss my kids” face or “wow I sure am hungover why is there no Diet Coke in this hotel!?” face on the internet. Hell, even my very own head shot took 40 rejected pictures (double chin! weird eye thing! too smiley!) and 2 Photoshop filters to look like that. And after dyeing my hair and my eyebrows (twice) AND losing 10 pounds (most of which seems to have come off my neck) I’m not even sure I would recognize MYSELF if I was comparing it to that picture up there on the left.

So to be as helpful and servicey as possible, I used my web cam to take some pictures that might make me easier to recognize. (Just pretend for a second I have legions of fans who are all sitting at home RIGHT NOW figuring out the best way to track me down and ask for my autograph in San Diego. PRETEND.)

This doesn’t just apply to BlogHer, by the way. I look like a weirdo in real life too, so this will be a helpful guide to the many faces of Suzanne you may encounter:

This is what I like to think I will look like when we meet, except with cleaner hair and some mascara.

This is what I WILL look like when we meet, because I’m going to be all OMG I LOVE YOU!

This is what I will look like when I’m trying to read your name tag because even though I read your blog EVERY DAY I totally forgot your real name and am trying not to call you by your kid’s name.

This is what I look like when I am trying to appear friendly and interesting. It’s unfortunate I come across so much like a psychotic baby-snatcher.

(Sidenote: I always thought I was imagining that my right eyebrow was way higher than my left eyebrow but IT TOTALLY IS. My face is lopsided. Great, now I can obsess about it until I accidentally pluck the whole thing out trying to make them even.)

  This is what I look like behind a wine glass <—– most helpful picture in this post

This is what I imagine I will look like in every single party picture taken.

This is my listening face. I know it LOOKS like my bitchface, but I swear I am truly a very nice person. This is also why I only have one friend left from college – I looked like this in all my classes.

(THAT EYEBROW. OMG.)

And this is my sexy dancing face. For some reason I think looking up at the sky is the BEST WAY EVER to look cool while dancing. Really, I’m just trying to avoid eye contact so I can’t see you laughing at me.

So please please pleasepleaseplease, if you see any of those faces, be my friend. I just want to survive BlogHer without making a total fool of myself – or at least be the kind of fool people find endearing rather than running the other way as soon as they see me coming.

Heeeeeeeere's Evan!

I’m sorry, but the caption was absolutely essential. I almost fell over laughing when I saw his face.