A high school friend I haven’t talked to in almost 10 years emailed me this week to ask for baby gift suggestions for her 6 month old niece. She’s still in the childless stage of life where the thought of buying a fun and age appropriate gift for someone else’s baby causes you to break out in a cold sweat, and as someone with a similarly aged child she thought I could provide some guidance. I was happy to make some suggestions, since I know I spent many a Christmas shopping trip staring blankly at the toy aisle debating whether I’d be better off just sending a card stuffed with cash (babies like cash, right? It’s crinkly.) Is a baby doll too boring? Is a baby doll that cries and poops too creepy? Are stacking blocks too simple? Is a tiny laptop too complicated? So as a public service announcement for anyone in a similar situation, here’s my list of suggested gifts for babies.

Fisher-Price Laugh & Learn Fun with Friends Musical Table

For ages 6 months+
This is Baby Evan’s current favorite toy in the wholebigwideword, unless you count the empty diaper box. Which I don’t, because every time I’m reminded he’d rather go naked, nurse directly from the breast, sleep in our bed, and play with empty boxes I die a little inside thinking of all the money we’ve wasted. But I digress. This table can also be used without the legs for babies who aren’t quite standing yet. It plays lots of different songs, which is very important so you don’t stab your eardrums out after hearing “One two three four five six seven eight! Then! There’s NINE! Counting’s really great!” for the eight hundredth time that day. Plus it’s educational and stuff, teaching colors, shapes and Spanish.  ($42.99)

Sophie the Giraffe

Ages 0-12 months
If you love your niece/nephew/cousin/boss’s kid but you don’t really love them $45 worth, get them a Sophie. The number of kids chewing on these at any park or playgroup speaks for itself. Sophie is BPA free and non-toxic too, so even your fancy friends will approve. ($20)

Tubby Tug Boat

Ages 6 months+
This is what E bought Baby Evan for Christmas, since he is in charge of bath time and related activities. The bebeh loves the water and now that he’s got the sitting up situation under control we’re going to abandon the baby tub (although we have LOVED the one my sister bought me until now and I highly recommend it as a shower gift) and let him splash in our extra large sized tub. Since we’re currently using a disposable plastic cup meant for olive oil or salsa to wash Baby Evan’s hair, this toy will be practical for Daddy as well as baby. ($18.99)

The MULA Collection from Ikea

Recommended for ages 12 months+ (but Baby Evan loves them now)
Oh Ikea, is there nothing you can’t do? Affordable modern furniture? Check. Irresistible duvet covers? Check. Classic wooden toys at unbeatable prices? Check. My mom and grandmother bought Baby Evan the stacking lighthouse, the hammer bench and the stacking cups during an Ikea run and he loooooves them. (Although the hammer became the first baby toy confused for dog chew toy casualty.)  ($5.99+)

Robeez

Ages 0-4 years
These are the leather gold standard for baby shoes, but at $30 a pop no one can afford to buy more than one or two pairs for their own kid. SOMETIMES they go on sale, SOMETIMES you can find them at outlets, and SOMETIMES BabySteals has them as their daily steal (for about 2 seconds before they sell out).  We have one real pair I got at 70% off and one fake pair from TJMaxx, but if someone sent me the whole winter collection I’d be thrilled. Baby Evan enjoys chewing on them just as much as he enjoys wearing them. The sizes are really non-specific, but since the shoes are soft being a little small or a little large doesn’t prevent them from still being awesome. ($22+)

A few more suggestions:

Bright Starts Teether Pals – Baby Evan has a blue elephant version from Target, his friend has the yellow lion, and these are two other options. The combination of plastic, soft and crinkly really keeps him happy when he’s fussing. ($5.99)
Baby’s First Photo Album – I can’t find the exact one online but I PROMISE they sell them in the infant section at Walmart. It’s a soft book with plastic pockets for photos. Bonus points if you pre-fill it with recent photographs of  long-distance family members so baby can learn what Aunt Edna and Uncle Bert look like. ($12.99)
Earth Mama Angel Baby/California Baby Products – I love both these brands but they’re on the expensive side for everyday use. Buy your mama friend some baby wash, diaper cream, shampoo or baby oil, plus a little extra something for herself. ($12+)
BOOKS – Since most parents already have Goodnight Moon and Green Eggs & Ham, you’ll have to be a little more creative to find really good children’s books not on their shelf. I recommend searching Amazon for “reading rainbow books” to find amazing titles that have been forgotten or overlooked for the newest generation but may make Mom and Dad nostalgic for the days when you didn’t have to take my word for it! ($4.99+)

(Disclaimer: The links above that connect to Amazon have my Amazon Associates seller code embedded in them, which means if you click through and make a purchase I get a share of the sale. Which works out to approximately four cents. I actually recommend checking your local big box retailer – or special local baby store! – for baby toys first, since the sales this year are amazing.)

Baby Evan is finally at the age where he’s starting to notice the television and it is making me a very sad panda. With a list of reasons kids shouldn’t watch tv as long as my arm and the revelation that even Baby Einstein is more like Baby Paris Hilton I fear it may be time to kick my viewing addiction habit. Or at least cut back. A little. Maybe.

If I was the kind of parent I feel like I SHOULD be, we would pack up this 60-inch monstrosity dominating our family room right now and I would spend my days listening to classical music while reading Voltaire (in the original French) aloud while Baby Evan recites his Latin verbs and colors inside the lines of his Art of the Masters coloring book. But first I need to find out what happened on Glee. And who wins Top Chef. And whether or not Tyra’s models will ever learn to smile with their eyes. And if this guy spins $1.00 on the big wheel. And if Chandler and Monica ever get married. Ok I know that last one but all those Friends reruns aren’t going to watch themselves.

We’re never going to be a tv-free family and I’m comfortable with that decision. I’m not using the tv as a babysitter for my 8 month old. I’m not relying on Dora or the Teletubbies or Barney to teach him the alphabet. I just need to find a balance between using television as a constant background noise to keep me from feeling isolated during the day and making sure Baby Evan’s first words aren’t “THIS….is American Idol!”

Last night I was having a lovely talk with an old high school friend when he mentioned someone we used to know was teaching college while working on her doctorate. While also raising two daughters. By herself. Now, this is someone I remember best as getting in trouble for sneaking her boyfriend INTO her house after getting grounded for sneaking OUT of her house. Our deepest conversation ever was a lesson in visible panty lines. And did I mention she’s younger than I am? The whole situation just made me feel like I was staring at a giant sign that says “Welcome to Inadequacyville! Population: YOU”.

No matter how much I love being a mom – especially a stay at home mom – it just doesn’t feel like an accomplishment. You don’t have to be smart to have a baby. In fact, stupidity really seems to work in reproduction’s favor COUGH16andpregnantCOUGH. Sure it may be hard to be a GOOD mom but you don’t get any fancy letters after your name for the three hours you spent caring for a sick baby last night or your infinite patience cleaning up spit-up or the pain you went through for the sake of breastfeeding. Ok SURE you get a happy, (mostly) healthy, well-adjusted child but the only people who really appreciate that are their teachers, future spouse and the person who sits next to them at work some day. Blah. Would anyone even notice if all I wrote for the rest of this post is whine whine whine complain complain so ungrateful for all I have annoying self absorption whine whine whiiiine?

This is why the only people who look forward to their high school reunions are Bill Gates and Barack Obama.

What I’m about to say is one of those things I probably shouldn’t write down, not because it’s bad or shameful or scandalous but because every time I say something good about the baby he immediately stops doing the good thing and does the complete opposite. It’s the curse of smug parenting – as soon as you start bragging your baby can sleep through the night/eat vegetables/walk/do long division that ability falls right out of their head and you’re up all night/refusing veggies/carrying him/doing all your own dividing. But I’m going to tempt fate by writing it anyways and maybe give some hope to exhausted miserable new parents everywhere.

Having a baby that’s seven and a half months old is awesome.

Our nighttime routine is dependable and portable – the first bedtime with the baby in Pennsylvania was later than normal but by the second night he went to sleep just as easily as at home. All that cuddly co-sleeping didn’t ruin the baby or his ability to self sooth at all. SO THERE PUSHY BABY BOOKS.

He’s the perfect size to prop up in my lap to nurse – no pillows needed – so he’s easy to feed anywhere. He still gets distracted  by loud noises or dogs or new places but he doesn’t bite or pull or try to rip of my nipples and he is very serious about his snacks and gets right back to business. Gotta keep those thighs as enormous as possible!

He has an adorable shy face he uses when women try to talk to him, tipping his face down and peeking out from under his ridiculously long eyelashes. But he’s a big fat faker and is only doing it to draw them in so he’ll get even MORE attention and MORE smiles and MORE “oh what a happy baby!” comments. Who can resist a charming ginger?

He also has a very serious thinking face he uses when he’s concentrating. Usually he’s concentrating on untying my shoes or eating a magazine or trying to climb through the coffee table, but when he sticks out his jaw and bites his tongue and goes “thhhhhhhhpppppt” I immediately forget I was going to scold him.

Mostly, he feels so much like MY BABY now, my very own tiny person that I grew. You get 9 months to prepare your mind and your life for a baby…but no part of pregnancy really prepares you for what it feels like to be someone’s mother. Now, finally, at 7 months I feel like someone’s mother. I love doing new things with him like the aquarium or the park or the beer factory museum. I can’t resist buying him presents every single time I see something I think he might like. Plus, I’ve started referring to Baby Evan and I as “we”, as in “we should probably take a nap” or “we did not nap today” or “WHY AREN’T WE NAPPING RIGHT NOW??” So I’m officially in a committed relationship with my baby. At least I know meeting his family won’t be too awkward.

Last week, a friend lost a pregnancy less than 48 hours after announcing it to her friends in a public manner. I don’t know how she’s doing now, because she posted a request not to talk about it and I’m trying to respect her wishes. I sent a text, figuring it was better than a Facebook message and less intrusive than a phone call, but it feels cheap and impersonal. In the past when someone I know had a miscarriage (it’s reported that between 20-50% of pregnancies result in miscarriage,  but even those statistics seem low…or my friends and family have just suffered more than their share) I’ve sent cards, sometimes called, but more often than not I’ve ignored it in favor of silence. I have a tendency to put my foot in my mouth and make things worse when I’m trying to make them better and my anecdote about how I once had a cat that died so I know how they feel is TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE.  Because I don’t know how they feel. The pain someone feels after a loss is not about me. I am sad FOR a friend but in no way am I suffering the way they are.

There are people who take every opportunity to bring themselves closer to a tragedy, make it more personal, make it all about them. They love the attention grief brings. They feed off the sympathetic looks and comments. They gather around tragedies the way some people gather around celebrities.

I hate grief groupies. In fourth or fifth grade, one of the men who attended my church was killed in a plane crash. I knew his daughters through Sunday School and his wife a little bit, but I didn’t know the man well enough to remember his name now, a decade later. I saw how devastated his family was and how they wished more than anything that they were further from the tragedy, that it wasn’t in their life, that it had happened to someone they didn’t know. I saw the church community offer love and support and shelter from the well-meaning but pushy grief groupies who lived just down the street or went to the same grocery store or who once flew on a plane that took off from that same airport. And I punched a kid in my homeroom who spent the whole morning following the accident going around telling everyone HE went to the same church TOO and was SO SAD and maybe it could have been HIS dad on that plane, except for, you know, IT WASN’T. And now that I’m an adult with adult friends who have adult problems and adult tragedies, I worry my attempts at sympathy will be seen the way I saw that kid’s actions.

I think the hardest part of supporting someone through a miscarriage is not knowing how they want to be supported. Maybe they’re done grieving and my phone call will rip the bandage off a healing wound. Maybe they’ve already used up their monthly allowance of “I’m doing ok”. Maybe they aren’t as sad as they feel they’re “supposed to” be and hearing condolences over and over just makes it worse. I’m sure dealing with the reactions and responses from friends and family can be almost as painful as the actual miscarriage. I just don’t know what to say. Do you have any advice?