Amy and I split the last two rounds so I’m hosting semi-finals today and she’s hosting the FINAL ROUND on Monday. This is it! You’re last chance to vote on which show is the WORST kids show on television.

In a little bit of a surprise upset this week, Barney was voted WORSE than Caillou. I agree, but the internet mostly doesn’t – try Googling “Caillou sucks” sometime. But before you get mad, think about it. IT’S BARNEY. Barney, who’s been torturing parents for 18 years. Barney, a giant purple  T-Rex whose mouth doesn’t move when he talks and steals your children to go on “adventures”. Barney, who sings the absolute most mind-numbingly terrible theme song on the plant. Here: “I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family! With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, won’t you say you love me too!” CO-DEPENDENT MUCH, BARNEY?

Barney is terrible. But against Choo Choo Soul? Dude, I’m not even voting this round. I CAN’T CHOOSE.

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The second match up is The WotWots vs. Dora. Let’s be honest here – I have no idea what a WotWot is. I’m sure they’re really, really annoying if your kid makes you watch them all the time. BUT. Dora. DORA THE EXPLORER. Come to my house, put my children in the car, and listen to Caroline shout “WHERE ARE WE GOING??? WHERE ARE WE GOING!!!!” for 20 minutes straight and try telling me Dora isn’t THE WORST.

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VOTE NOW! A MEANINGLESS INTERNET CONTEST DEPENDS ON IT! Check out the whole bracket here and on Monday don’t forget to go vote in the Final Showdown on Amy’s blog!

ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE????? We’re almost at the end of the Worst Kids Show On Television now and the last couple rounds will be fast, so be sure to vote and share. There’s a real posibility we could have an upset here – going into the competition Amy and I thought the inevitable final round would be Caillou vs Dora, but with that bald little Canadian taking on the worst singing dinosaur in the history of singing dinosaurs it’s anyone’s game.

First match up: Caillou vs Barney

Caillou Fun Fact: Caillou is bald because in the original book series he is a much younger child, not because he has a terrible medical condition. The books were also in French, although that still doesn’t explain the incessant whining.

Barney Fun Fact: The song “I Love You” from Barney & Friends has been used to “coerce’ detainees at Guantanamo, which comes as a surprise to no one who as ever listened to it. Critics have complained Barney’s world is too happy and smiley and might in fact damage children’s ability to deal with negative emotions.

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Second match up: Choo Choo Soul vs. 3rd and Bird

Choo Choo Soul Fun Fact: DC the beatboxing conductor’s real name is Constantine and Genevieve also sings all the Disney Jr theme music. Bonus fact: if you tweet about how terrible Choo Choo Soul is, Genevieve might tweet you back and then you’ll feel bad about it for ages. True story.

3rd and Bird Fun Fact: Made by the same people as the WonderPets (which explains why there’s a character with a terrible speech impediment), 3rd and Bird uses a technique called “photo-puppetry” to achieve their super weird and slightly creepy animation style. The little girl who voices Muffin was once on an episode of 30 Rock.

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Now go check out some trivia and the round 4 match ups on Amy’s blog.

This is the last round where shows are competing only against shows on their own network, so we’re getting close to deciding the Worst Preschool Show on Television. You can see the bracket here.

To make these match-ups easier, I’m going to provide you with actual (terrible) clips so you can truly experience how bad these shows are. If you’re one of my loyal but childfree readers, you’ve probably felt left out since no one in your house forces you to watch ANY of these terrible shows. Dismay no more! Now you can see just why everyone hate Caillou (and Bob and Barney and Choo Choo Soul) SO VERY MUCH.

Game on! (Apologies if all the videos don’t show up, I fought with them for a long time and they’re not very reliable.)

Our first match up is the whiniest Canadian ever to invade America vs. some sketchy guy named Bob who might be working under the table.

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Next is Barney (ugh) versus The Wiggles. I like this match up, since both involve real live humans, who I imagine spend a ton of time getting incredibly drunk and wondering how much longer before they hit rock bottom.

Link to the Barney Theme Song

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http://youtu.be/4auhFFmzEtg

Link to The Wiggles Intro Video

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Our third match up is an easy one for me, but you be the judge. Choo Choo Soul versus Higglytown Heroes (which doesn’t seem to exist online, so all I can find is the theme song over a still photo. But trust me, it’s not that bad.)

Link to Choo Choo Soul

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Link to the Higglytown Heroes Song

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And our last match up today is 3rd & Bird against Sam Sandwich. Caroline HATES Sam Sandwich, but Evan hates 3rd and Bird, so it’s a toss up in our house. Wait, that’s not really true. I’ll take a sandwich teaching my kids to eat their vegetables over a parakeet with a speech impediment any day. Also, the 3rd & Bird clips online are all from the British version, so their accents are cuter than the version Disney plays. DON’T LET THAT FOOL YOU.

http://youtu.be/__NjbjSkhKo

Link to 3rd & Bird

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Link to Sam Sandwich

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Now go and vote on Amy’s round 3 brackets! I think she has theme songs too, so you can vote on the shows you might not have seen yet too.

Ok, before we get to round 2 I need to talk to some of you about what “WORST KIDS SHOWS ON TELEVISION” means. Things that are THE WORST are things you hate. Shows full of shouting and whining and terrible songs and characters that drive you crazy. I know some things are subjective but you guys, really, CAILLOU IS WAY WORSE than Daniel Tiger. Daniel Tiger is adorable. Daniel Tiger is an official spin off of Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood. Who hates Mr. Rogers?! What kind of monsters are reading my blog??

Luckily, Caillou still won (lost?) so he’s in this week’s Round 2 match-ups. The closest match-up on my blog from last week was Sid The Science Kid vs Thomas The Tank Engine, with Sid beating Thomas by just ONE VOTE. I’m happy to report that all the least-offensive shows (Mickey Mouse, Sesame Street, Sofia the First) are safe. Although apparently I’m one of the only people who willingly watches Octonauts (Creature Report! Creature Report! CREATURE REPORT!) even if the kids aren’t really paying attention. And I think Amy might be a little upset about Word World making it to this round, since she seems to like that creepy-ass show.

By the way, be sure to go over to Amy’s blog and vote for Wow Wow Wubzy since we all know The Fresh Beat Band is actually awesome. If you hate The Fresh Beat Band, please go do something else on the interwebs. May I suggest laughing until tears stream down your face while you watch this video of animals judging you?

Ding ding! Here we go for Round 2!

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Now go over to Amy’s and vote on her brackets for Nick Jr and Hub. We’ll have round 3 up later this week!

Today is the second half of round one, where very nice shows like Daniel Tiger are put up against Caillou aka “the worst of the worst” and suffer obvious crushing defeat. In an effort to keep this down to a reasonable number of posts we started with lists of shows we knew off the top of our heads and then filled each other in on channels we were less familiar with (plus a little Googling) so this isn’t EVERY SHOW EVER. We never even touch on the eye-violating graphic nightmare that is Dirt Girl World (probably for the best, save your eyes and DON’T go looking for it). So although this is a very thorough rundown of the worst kids shows on television it is not exhaustively all-inclusive.

The game: we made “divisions” based on four channels (Nick Jr, Disney Jr, Hub and Sprout/PBS) and tried to keep it sort of limited to shows aimed at preschoolers, just to narrow it down.  We will each host two channels and voting will narrow things down to a final four, one from each channel, which will narrow down to an ultimate showdown deciding the worst preschool show on television. The bracket can be viewed here.

I’m hosting Disney Jr & Sprout/PBS and Amy has Nick Jr & Hub.

Today’s face-offs are for Sprout/PBS! Let’s go!

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Today Amy has The Hub (Ugh Chuck & Friends UGH!!!) so go vote on her face-offs too!

You can go back and vote in yesterday’s Disney Jr polls here and Nick Jr here if you missed them. Polls close Sunday night with Round 2 going up Tuesday!