I had a really clever and original idea for tomorrow’s Baby Evan is 10 Months Old! post, and in preparation I did an internet image search for “eHarmony profile”. This was the third most popular search result:

Now, I’m not saying a drawing of a hippo playing a harp is the WORST choice ever for a dating website profile, but it may not give potential suitors the best possible first impression. May I suggest a robot playing volleyball or a cat doing geometry instead?

Out of curiosity I then searched “bad dating profile photos” and was disappointed the results weren’t especially funny or terrible. I suspect Google didn’t understand the question at all, since this was on the front page of my search:

Clearly, the BEST dating profile picture EVER. I would totally date that guy. He’s a doctor with excellent taste in ties. I wonder if I’m his type?

In the spirit of Stuff On My Cat, I present Stuff On My Baby. Which I cannot believe doesn’t already exist as a website instead of just a parked domain name. Stuff On My Baby will be priceless! Babies are always covered in stuff, plus the really little ones are totally helpless against having stuff put on them. I mean, not that I would put stuff on a helpless sleeping infant. That would be bad parenting, especially if I then put pictures of that stuff on the internet. Nope, I would never ever do something like that. And not just because my baby is now too old for those kind of shenanigans and I have to settle for tricking him into funny pictures while he’s awake.

Yarn on my baby

A colander on my baby

A red (but not riding) hood on my baby

I apologize for the lack of consistent posts the past week and apologize in advance for the lack of posts in the coming week. The holidays have been making me crazy and draining all the creativity and humor right out of my brain. I’m also sort of shell shocked by the fact that 2010 is just days away and my baby is almost 9 months old. I think once all that sinks in I’m going to have a freak out of major proportions, which I will happily share with you because it’s bound to bring the LOLs.

Although I didn’t know who Kristine Brite was until a few days ago, Baby Evan and I are wearing pink in honor of her baby Cora (born November 29th, died December 6th). I learned of her tragedy through the Twitter grape vine and although I can’t begin to comprehend Kristine’s pain my heart breaks for her. Here’s her story in her own words:

Cora died instantly on my chest while breastfeeding. One hundred percent healthy pregnancy, labor, and delivery. She scored 9s on both Apgar test. We jumped in the car and drove 70 through Decatur to the hospital as soon as I looked down and saw her bloodied face covering my breast. Getting her there within moments of her stopping breathing. She had a heart condition impossible to detect in utero or at birth without special testing.

Cora was meant to teach us something I’m sure of it. She changed my life. Ben and I quit smoking, struggled to prepare financially, took parenting classes, and after she was born watched her in shifts. She was never alone even when sleeping. We were all meant to learn something from her.

Compassion, patience, love.

Today I will show compassion, patience and love. I will try to appreciate all I have more. I will hug my baby extra tight, thank God I’ve had so many days with him already, and pray I get a million more. I hope Kristine and her family can feel everyone’s love and know how many people are thinking of them today.

For Cora

So for the past couple of weeks the number of spam comments caught by my filter has tripled. I don’t know if that means my site has finally hit Google’s search results or if the spambot companies are just working hard to sell those fake watch penis enlargement insurance porn college degrees during the holiday season. I mean, what makes better gift than some Ciagra and a Rolaxx?

Luckily, one of my delicious spammy commenters has a sense of humor and along with the links to his virus-filled site he provides me with at least two jokes a day. Unluckily, they are terribly unfunny. For example:

Did you hear about the farmer who was found guilty of selling rotten fruit? He was judged by his pears!

Which of these things don’t belong: A tuna, a lobster, or a Chinese guy run over by a truck? The tuna. The other two are crustaceans. (I don’t even get it. Is it racist? Is it supposed to sound like crust-Asians? Because that doesn’t even make any sense.) (Oh wait, I just got it. Crushed Asian. Yeah, still not funny.)

Then of course I have the list-maker spammer. Here’s just a sampling of the keywords he thinks you might be interested in:

windows firewall disable
what is govenor minner political
where to get dc tax forms
voltage level converter
wrongful l termanation sample
west marine port supply
wcho seed
yiffy adult art
wet tshirt ordinance
will hardy is so cool
vista notepad
what is microsoft’s email address
whitmor shrink tubing
why buy a condo
yakima walmart
western cable
wire totes
women with other women
watering vegetables
who plays claire bennet in heros
yale university online mba degree
wackenhut services inc
zix free
welcome to eminence organics
witney castle
worm poo
west virginia government and legal research
wicker towel ring towel rack

So many questions! Who is Will Hardy? Why does he need a voltage level converter? Will he buy a condo? Does it have a wicker towel ring towel rack? And for the love of God, what’s a Wackenhut???

And finally, this short and cryptic message:

eyelashes super

If only I knew what that meant. Maybe it’s an anagram, let’s see what our options are…

A Eyeless Pusher
Release Hypes Us
Healer Eyes Puss
Leashes Prey Sue
Reshape Lyes Use
Pleasures He Yes
Asleep Ere Hussy
Please Usher Yes
Ashes Spree Yule
Rashes Eye Pules

Oh dear, none of that sounds good at all. Perhaps it’s time to quietly delete all my spam and back away slowly. Nothing to see here, eyelashes super, nothing to see here.

I posted this on my Facebook already but for anyone who doesn’t constantly check my status updates (Helllooooo? What could you possibly be doing that’s more important???) please stop looking at my blog and go read this website immediately: Let’s Panic! (Tag line: It will come out of you, and then you have to take care of it.) It is the funniest thing I’ve ever read. Maybe it’s the sleep deprivation or maybe it’s just the author’s total understanding of that sleep deprivation, but I am sitting on my couch crying with laughter. I should really be doing…something right now, but until my hysteria passes I will be researching What Kind of Baby I have and Appropriate Substitutes for sex.