Do I need to remind anyone that this is the point in pregnancy where pretty much every post will contain TMI and if they don’t want to hear words like “mucus plug” they should stop reading? Did I not do enough to scare those people off with the first baby?

Ok then: IF YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT WHERE BABIES COME FROM, COME BACK AFTER JANUARY 1ST. Or never. Because once this baby is born you’re guaranteed about six months of constant boob talk followed by another six months of “OMG I cannot lose this baby weight” talk and then before you know it I’ll be knocked up AGAIN and thus begins the circle of mommy blogging again. *cue Elton John song*

I had my 38-ish week check-up at the OB this afternoon and it was pants-off, complete with one of the most uncomfortable cervical checks EVER including the kind you get when you’re not pregnant than involve things that look like torture devices. But it was fairly pointless as no signs point to imminent baby arrival (sorry early guessers in the baby pool!) so I’m waiting another week before I let them even talk to me about Things That Might Help Induce Labor.

Or at least that was my plan.

Unfortunately, my blood pressure was a little high (130/80-ish)(which is only borderline high for a normal person but extra high for someone like me whose numbers are usually closer to 90/60) and since I had all those issues with my kidneys, high blood pressure can be a Very Bad Thing and unexplained high blood pressure might be any number of things that could potentially lead to more problems. So my midwife sent me down to the lab for bloodwork and orders to come back tomorrow for another blood pressure check at which point we may begin talking about Things That Might Help Induce Labor or even DO one of the Things That Might Help Induce Labor*. Which suddenly makes this “I’m having a second baby” thing WAY WAY too real. Definitely not good for my blood pressure.

In the meantime, I’m going to do a little happy dance over the SEVEN POUNDS I’ve lost since my last check-up (almost certainly just water weight due to the IV fluids I was full of thanks to hospitalization but still pretty good – losing a few pounds is often a sign labor is imminent)(Also, I am 11 lbs lighter than my 39 week pregnant weight with Baby Evan which means 11 lbs less to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancies weight). I think I’ll also try to make it to Stroller Strides tomorrow, since walking and/or stair climbing might be just what my body needs to get things moving and I would MUCH prefer to let this baby come on her own than start down the road to induction.

But like my midwife said, the full moon is on the 23rd 21st anyways. That’s ONE WEEK until I’m pretty much guaranteed a baby.

*My midwife actually offered to strip my membranes today but a) I wasn’t dilated enough for her to do it b) I wasn’t sure I WANTED her to do it and c) my mom doesn’t come back until Saturday so I CAN’T go into labor until then. Does anyone have experience with membrane stripping working/not working? Google assures me it’s harmless unless labor is already close but sometimes I’m not so sure Google is the most reliable medical source. WHY EVER WOULD I THINK THAT?!

Besides Little Evan’s birth, I think the longest I’ve ever been in the hospital was the (fortunately unnecessary) trip to the ER at Children’s in Hartford for the OMG-my-baby-is-throwing-up-blood incident. Which doesn’t even really count since I was just IN the hospital, not In The Hospital. I can’t remember ever actually being In The Hospital for anything in my life, other than really fuzzy early childhood memories of a finger being slammed in a glass sliding door and the cool x-ray room where they showed me the bones on one of those light-box things. I was very very impressed.

After the last two weeks, I am like a hospital PRO. I could write a book about what to do to make your stay more comfortable and what you should and should not ring your nurse for and the exact way to get your IV stand as close to the bathroom door as possible so you can pee but still have enough tubing to reach the sink too. I wonder if there’s a market for such a book? Although hospitals vary drastically (like the horrible torturous place poor Mae’s husband was admitted that didn’t allow any meat or caffeine) so a guide to MY local hospital may be totally useless at yours, especially if you don’t happen to be in the Labor & Delivery wing.

If only there was someplace I could publish my probably unhelpful to everyone but my immediate neighbors advice in a public forum!

Heh.

So here they are, are my 5 Tips For A Comfortable(ish) Hospital Stay

1. Bring pillows and underwear. Lot of both things. After my first stay I thought “Oh man, when I come back to have this baby I am bringing SO MANY pillows” and then BAM! less than a week later I’m back and totally pillowless. Of course, perhaps the delirium and inability to make wise choices could be blamed on the spiking fever and severe infection, but who knows. As for the underwear, all I can say is when you’re stuck in a hospital gown for a week at least ONE part of your body can be wearing something dry, comfortable, and clean. As long as you don’t forget to bring any.*

2. Bribe your nurses. My dear friend Amy suggested if I was knitting to keep myself busy I might want to make a couple coffee coozies (new question: what exactly IS the correct spelling of “coozie”?) for the nurses because they loved that sort of thing (she used to work in a hospital and is very wise). I whipped one up on my first day for a nurse who was being extra nice and wouldn’t you know, she came back every day she was on – even when I wasn’t her patient – to make sure I had everything I needed. I had planned to make a bunch more but sitting up and staying conscious was too much work. I’m starting on a supply to hand out at Baby Sandy’s birth now, so I don’t miss anyone. You can also use baked goods (the cookies my mom sent in were gone in seconds). Even cheaper? Learn and use their names. My nurses loved when I remembered their names.

3. Don’t be afraid to make yourself more comfortable. Need another blanket? They’re probably in the room somewhere – in our L&D it’s the drawers under the TV. Please, take one. My IV kept almost falling out because breaking a 102 fever three times a day = horrible sweaty mess that no tape on the planet will stick to. So instead of ringing for a nurse every time it came loose I just used a roll of the IV tape I found in the drawer to stick it back on. Is your gown soaking wet because you’re incapable of drinking correctly out of a cup without a straw? Those are in a drawer somewhere too. Is your room too cold? Try adjusting the thermostat. None of these things will hurt you. Personally, it also made me feel a teeny tiny bit more in control in a situation I had no actual control over whatsoever.

4. And don’t be afraid to ask anyone else to make you more comfortable either. When the nurse says “Is there anything I can get you?” say “Yes, I’d like another pillow and maybe an Italian Ice and when am I due for my next round of pain pills?” They are supposed to help you, 24 hours a day. That tech that comes in and wakes you up at 3 am to check your blood pressure? Is just as capable of getting you more ice water. Tell your day nurse you want new sheets while you take a shower. And don’t forget you’re in a hospital (as if you could), which probably means the pharmacy is open all night in case you need something for nausea. Or heartburn. Or a, ahem, stool softener. Your nurse would be happy to bring you those things! Even in the middle of the night! Because they are being paid to do that!

5. Hospital menus are just suggestions. Really, do they think sick people want things like “roasted pork loin with gravy and Caribbean vegetable medley” that is really just “hunk of meat and diced carrots covered in gray stuff”? And why is the thing they call “cobbler” so much like gel toothpaste in a flavor called “orchard fruit”? So when they bring you a menu and ask you to circle those choices, DON’T ACCEPT THEM. REJECT THE ESTABLISHMENT! DAMN THE MAN! Eating something is important (says the woman who spent three days medicated for a headache that turned out to be mostly hunger) and no one really thinks that pork loin is anything even close to healthy so when they give you that menu and a pen, write a great big X right over everything and write “cheeseburger” “bagel with cream cheese” “pizza”  “jello” “noodles with butter” or whatever the hell else it is that you might be able to stomach. It was so nice to take the lid off a dish and NOT see another gross lump of meat and wilted veggies that even greasy, underwarmed pizza looked DELICIOUS.

That is certainly not a complete list of advice. And I’m sure I’m missing the one! super! important! thing! you know about staying in the hospital. So feel free to add to it, especially because I am going BACK to the same terrible horrible no good very bad labor, delivery and recovery beds (THE MOST uncomfortable beds on the planet) to actually, finally, no kidding have a baby.

*Other stuff to bring: toothpaste/toothbrush, shampoo, lip gloss, slippers/socks, cell phone charger/cell phone, something to read/craft/knit, hair elastics, comfortable bra(s), body lotion.

I did this last time with Baby Evan’s due date and it was fun (plus if I don’t do it again I’m afraid my friend Lareign might send me a flaming bag of poo – she really likes guessing). This time I was going to set things up fancier with some sort of website to keep track of everyone’s guesses but it seems sort of unnecessary – I mean, on a good day I get 15 comments, do I REALLY need some sort of software to tell me the 23rd is the closest day to the 24th? I might be too big for my literal britches but getting too big for my metaphorical britches is just annoying.

So here’s the deal: Leave a comment on this post guessing the date and time you think Baby Sandy will make her official appearance into the world. I’m including hour/minute this pregnancy so people can guess the same day if they want, but this isn’t Price is Right so you can be closest even if you go over. I’m also making it much! more! exciting! by offering the winner an actual prize – I recently bought some gorgeous yarn with sequins woven into it and will be knitting something pretty, like a scarf or a cowl that I will mail to the person who is closest. (That is, if you want it. You can’t really give it as a Christmas gift, because there’s very little chance I’ll even KNOW who won by Christmas, and you might think handmade knit stuff is sort of dorky so if you don’t want it you can just say so nicely and I’ll keep it for myself donate it to a charity or something.)

Here’s all the info I have that might help you make your guess:

– Her official due date is December 26th, based entirely on an early ultrasound (which is supposed to be the most accurate measure) since I didn’t have a last menstrual period to go by
– I was 4 days late with Evan (Due April 1st, born April 5th)
– He was born at 7:21 pm after about  20 hours of labor, less than 11 of which I was in the hospital
– All 3 of my mother’s babies were late
– I’ve been having contractions (practice ones, not real ones, called Braxton-Hicks) since I was about 28 weeks
– When I went into the hospital for the HORRIBLE PAIN, my contractions were mild but consistently 3 minutes apart until they made the pain stop
– But when the doctor checked I was dilated <1cm
– There’s no reason to think I will be induced for any reason since besides the (harmless to the baby) kidney stones I am in excellent health
– Anywhere between 38-42 weeks is considered normal
– I am going to do everything possible to NOT spend Christmas Day in the hospital, so if that means holding my knees together while we open gifts so be it

Any questions? I have an OB appointment today but it’s pants-on so I doubt I’ll have any new info. My follow up with the urologist (where he’s going to do something incredibly unpleasant and OMG I can’t even think about it right now) is Wednesday and if THAT changes anything I’ll update this post then too. I’m not going to close the comments but dudes, they’re timestamped, so if you guess AFTER I send out “I had the baby!” tweets/texts/Facebook updates you’re disqualified.

In the words of Little Evan: ‘Eady? GO!!

I didn’t do very well this week and the pics I did take are a little boring. But to be fair, how many pictures of the inside of a hospital room can you take? Especially when your iPhone is dead? At least I got the kid looking cute in a couple.

Sunday:

My in-laws brought us this box full of homemade jam & pie filling. Then we used it as a baby race car. Wins for everyone!!

We discovered the trick to a peaceful meal is a kid's cup of lemonade served with a straw. Small price to pay to avoid a bottle of ketchup to the face.

Monday:

This is the cutest I've looked in WEEKS. Headband by Uff Da, knit shrug made by me, (non-maternity) shirt from Target, adorable toddler crashing my picture also by me.

E's sudden panic!! over yardwork led to some raking in the dark. At least it was warm.

Wednesday:

Hospital lunch. I have no idea what was even in there - it appeared and disappeared while I was too sick to even THINK about food.

Thursday:

Saddest family Thanksgiving picture ever.

Friday:

You can tell I was feeling better because I could actually SIT UP enough to knit, even hooked to an IV.

Saturday:

So good to be home & back to normal toddler mornings: milk, peanut butter and a football to cuddle while we watch the Today Show.

Apparently the "insanely busy" Christmas shopping season forgot about the day after the day after Thanksgiving. Scored those luggage sets Macy's has been advertising all week and discovered rolling carry-ons are Little Evan's favorite toy EVER.

Link up with the hop below and go to Amy’s blog to get your own HTML code so it shows on your own post. It doesn’t have to be iPhone photos, just camera phone/snapshots of your week!

Here’s how I was supposed to spend Thanksgiving:
Wake up at 3 am on Wednesday, whine for the whole 9 hour drive to Ohio about how uncomfortable I was, eat an enormous amount of pie, complain that E was playing WoW while the wominz had to mind the child, do a little Black Friday Shopping, eat some Chick-fil-a, whine about the 9 hour drive home, have a really nice time even after all the complaining.

Here’s how I spent my Thanksgiving instead:
Tuesday night before I went to bed I suddenly got a horrible stabbing pain on the right side of my back. After asking Dr. Google for advice, I chugged water and cranberry juice for a few hours, only to throw it all up because I was in so much pain. Called my OB’s answering service, Man Doctor on call said if it wasn’t contractions (it wasn’t) it was a pulled muscle so I should try putting heat on it and taking more Tylenol. I spent the entire night wandering around the house moaning and being miserable. When E woke up at 3 am I told him we could either go to Ohio the next day or he could go without me, because there was NO FRICKING WAY I was getting in a car until I felt better. At 7 am I gave up on waiting for office hours and called Man Doctor back to warn him I was coming into L&D. When I got there, they hooked me up to the monitors and said “oh look, contractions! and you said you were throwing up? definitely a pulled muscle.” Luckily the treatment for my “pulled muscle” was a lovely dose of morphine so I immediately passed out and when I woke up Man Doctor was gone and Lady Doctor was here. She decided maybe an ultrasound to check my kidneys would be a good idea. Turns out I have about a zillion kidney stones and I am not a crazy person who just cries over a pulled back muscle but instead someone in an enormous amount of agony with a condition that required immediate treatment as well as more procedures post-baby. The urologist decided he could take out the one causing me pain first thing in the morning. So Thanksgiving morning I was strapped down to a table in surgery, given a spinal and *you’re probably enjoying your pie right now so I’ll skip the rest*. By 11am I was back in my room and once again in possession of my iPhone charger (never ever ever go to the hospital for any reason without: phone charger, toothbrush.) By 2 pm I was free of tubes and catheters and leg pressure cuffs and just hanging out waiting for another dose of narcotics. Turns out the only good part of kidney stones at 35 weeks pregnant is that the baby is so close to full term I’m allowed to have drugs. Because NO ONE can just “breath through” a kidney stone. At least when you give birth you get a baby at the end to cuddle. I saw the stone they took out and it wasn’t very cute at all. Now I am just stuck here until they give me a couple more doses of antibiotics and write a prescription for a painkiller for me to take home. Because, oh, did I forget that part? They had to leave a stint in my ureter to keep it from swelling shut, so my pain has decreased about 60% but isn’t going away for at least another week – when they have to take the stint out again.

So to sum up: no road trip, no pie, no time with family, no turkey, extreme pain, slightly terrifying surgery, and one more night in the hospital to go.

I should win some sort of Thanksgiving do-over contest, right? Or at least maybe a pie. Good news is that Baby Sandy is taking it all like a champ, not the slightest hint she cares about mama’s kidney stones. Sadly, Little Evan hates being here so I haven’t gotten to see him much (because really, how much fun is it to have you baby scream for dada and run away when you try to hug him? Not fun. Good way to turn into a sobbing mess.)

I hope your Thanksgiving is going much better and even if you’re trapped at your crazy aunt’s house choking down burnt turkey at least no one has stuck anything up your pee-hole today.

Apologies for my inability to stick with a tense or person for that whole post. Writing from my iPhone is hard.