Toddlers are puzzling. And also GROSS.

If you follow me on Twitter you’ve already heard the 140 character version of this story and I apologize for making you hear it again.

Since the weather is still mild-ish and the toddler is still grumpy-ish, I dragged us out of the house for Stroller Strides this morning, even though I don’t usually make it on Mondays. But I have way too much to do today to deal with a napless child and Stroller Strides + playground = guaranteed afternoon nap >2 hours. BAM. Baby algebra for the win.

Unfortunately I forgot to factor in 8 months pregnant + bottle of water – bathroom facilities at the park, so by the time we made it home I was doing the don’t-pee-your-pants shuffle while dragging Little Evan, the diaper bag, the wet bag, jackets for both of us, a blanket, two sippy cups and a half-deflated football (because this: BUHBALL!! BUHBALL!! NOOOOO!!!! BUHBAAAAAAALL!! is what happened when he saw me trying to leave it in the car) into the house. I dumped everything – including the child – on the kitchen floor and sprinted to the bathroom just on the other side of the baby gate.

Less than 2 minutes later, I came back through the gate to find Evan standing in the middle of the kitchen, holding a weird yellowish rock in his hand, looking at it in a puzzled manner. I walked over to see what it was, thinking “Wow, it was so nice to pee without someone watching me for once. Maybe I’ll do that more often!” when I realized what exactly he was holding.

POOP.

A GIANT PIECE OF POOP.

I screamed so loud he dropped it (OMG) on the kitchen floor (OMFG) and stumbled backwards against the cabinets.

“POOP!” I shouted, as if this would somehow activate an emergency response team trained to handle just such a situation. “THAT’S POOP!!!”

It only took another second for me to realize I was alone in my kitchen staring at the horrible turd and no hazmat team was imminent. Also, the dog had jumped off the couch and was starting to sniff around and as bad as the current scenario was, if the dog…No. I’m sorry. I can’t even finish that thought.

About 400 baby wipes later, I had safely transferred the poop to the toilet, wiped up everyone’s hands and felt disinfected enough to drag us both to the sink for a thorough scrubbing followed by half a bottle of Lysol applied to the floor. Crisis averted, it occurred to me this was really more of a mystery than a horror movie. WHO did the poop belong to? WHERE did it come from? WHY was the baby holding it? WHEN did my life turn into this?

Ok, that last one isn’t such a mystery. But back to the weird parts. Little Evan was fully dressed – diaper, corduroy pants buttoned at the waist, socks, shoes, shirt, sweatshirt. He looked exactly the same as he did when I dumped him on the floor 2 minutes earlier. I did change his diaper after I stopped hyperventilating and it was dirty (TMI ALERT) with several smaller poops that seemed to belong to the same, uh, family. But HOW did he get the one giant one OUT?! Was it from an earlier diaper? How long had it been…loose?  Could it have been hanging around for………No, seriously, I can’t think about this anymore. I’m not strong enough.

My sister-in-law has a similar story about a mystery poop, found in the middle of the nursery one morning while a fully dressed toddler slept in his crib. Before kids, I thought she was probably exaggerating.

I KNOW BETTER NOW.

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The Five Stages of Cleaning My Bathroom

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27 Responses to “Toddlers are puzzling. And also GROSS.”

  1. MKP says:

    Ok, I just choked on my ginger chicken and tears are pouring down my face. I don’t even…wow.

  2. Ariel says:

    Okay, so this was freaking hilarious. I’ve never had a mystery poop experiance. :)

  3. Barbra says:

    what is it with mystery poop? not having a little kid doesn’t make you immune. a couple years ago my mom was checking into a nice hotel and set her camera bag on the counter. When she lifted the bag, a giant brown turd was sitting on the marble counter right where her bag had been. everyone just stared in stunned horrified silence until a hotel manager got his wits about him, swooped in with a towel and removed the offending piece of excrement and APOLOGIZED!! he apologized for cleaning my mom’s poop off the counter. I just wanted to die right on the spot. to this day, we have no idea where that poop came from. my mom’s best guess is she may have placed the bag on the ground at some point and it stuck to the rubber feet on the bag.
    hopefully you figure out where your poop came from.

  4. Katherine says:

    ahhhhhhhhhahahahahahahha!!!!! OMG. Im not looking forward to mystery poops, but I assure you, they’re in my near future.

  5. brigidkeely says:

    You know how sometimes you hear someone talking about how they want kids and you’re pretty sure they’ve never actually encountered a kid and kind of really don’t want kids, they want big cute dollies to dress up? This is the kind of story you tell those people.

  6. Audrey says:

    I think I just threw up a little. Not that the 6 or 7 poopsplosions we endured (IN THE CARSEAT) on our 3 week camping vacation aren’t equally revolting. :D

  7. Gretchen says:

    Hysterical. Thanks for the update on what lies ahead on the floor…

  8. Natalie says:

    Bahaha! (I am laughing WITH YOU…of course…not AT you ;o) Oh mystery poops–you astound and confuse at every turn.

  9. Cole says:

    Bwahahahahaha!

    ::breathes::

    Bwahahahahahahaha!!!

    I have not learned that specific trick yet, but Mommy figures it’s only a matter of time…

  10. raincheckmom says:

    Best guess if it wasn’t Brutus poop: Evan reached into his diaper and helped himself to…well, you know…

  11. Hilarious! We’ve had similar situations that involved Mj and DOG crap. Kids are disgusting, bottom line.

  12. I’m guessing he reached in there an grabbed it, tight pants be damned. Spencer got his arm stuck grabbing his butt from wedging his arm in there. I am not looking forward to this and the other poop thing I am dreading is poop in the tub. *shudder*

  13. Meg says:

    A first grade teacher at the school I used to teach at kept finding mystery poops in her classroom. Turned out one of her little boys was pooping his pants and letting them roll down the pants legs onto the floor!

  14. hanna says:

    HI there! I found your blog on Top Baby Blogs and it’s lovely! I am your newest follower on twitter:) Nice to meet you!!! You can find me at http://www.bouffeebambini.blogspot.com
    Have a peek at my all handmade giveaways if you stop by. Everything is gorgeous!
    Your son is adorable!! Mine just turned one and I am a little afraid

  15. Krista says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHA

    Wait. It’s funny cause it happened to someone else… Girls don’t do that right??? GIRLS DON’T DO THAT, RIGHT??? Oh, God. Even if they don’t, what if my next one is a boy???

  16. jill says:

    oh man, he totally reached in there and grabbed it! whats this squishy yellow thing??? ahahahaha! that is so funny…until it happens to me of course! ;)

  17. StraderSpiel says:

    I AM FINALLY VINDICATED! :)

  18. Amanda says:

    heehheeheee! I think we all have some sort of horrid poop story but mystery poop is definitely one of the worst.

  19. APRIL says:

    hahahahaha!

  20. jennie says:

    Dying! I am dying! Oh that is fabulous! And by fabulous i mean i am so happy that it’s not me. Feeli free to laugh hysterically in return the day that it is me. Adventures in Motherhood!

  21. Swistle says:

    Ha ha ha!!: “as if this would somehow activate an emergency response team trained to handle just such a situation.”

    I will not tell you an entire gross anecdote, but a friend of mine has a story that involves the toddler saying “Icky raisin” and that is all I will say about THAT.

  22. eversmommy says:

    Honestly…this is some of the funniest sh*t I have read in a long time! I tried to read it out loud to my husband, but half the time it was just a raspy silent attempt at speaking with tears rolling down my face! Then he stepped on some poop in the front entry with his socks on, and we have NO IDEA where it came from–we can only assume one of our pets. Well done!!

  23. Amy says:

    OMG OMG OMG…hahahaha! (laughing with you, since I’m positive this is in my near future)

  24. Stephanie T says:

    Hi! I’m your newest follower, and this post seriously had me in tears I was laughing so hard. I can’t wait to read more from you!

  25. andrea says:

    Ha ha ha, hilarity!!! Something similar happened to us today but with pee. I thought I was going crazy too, and still don’t know how the pee traveled to the floor when Bresho was fully clothed and completely dry. (was it meeee?) (OMG). Maybe we ARE going nuts! Glad to know I’m not alone!

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