And baby makes…?

I’ve learned two major things so far about pregnancy. First, everyone is really concerned about your vitamins. Second, if you’re not married prepare to be judged, you whore.

After my first pregnancy test came out positive, I decided – against what I’ve been advised in the past – to buy What to Expect When You’re Expecting. The first chapter was a list of things you cannot do once you’re pregnant. Shockingly, drugs and alcohol are on this list. Wait, you mean meth isn’t good for my baby? My real concerns were the three martinis I had over the 4th of July weekend and the antibiotics I was prescribed for an ear infection. Luckily, even though What to Expect has been called alarmist, it assured me neither of those had caused my baby to grow a second head and flippers, as long as I took my vitamins. Then there is a little note in the book that explains it uses the words husband and spouse to mean “significant other” and people in non-traditional relationships should just replace them with “partner” in their head. It struck me as incredible lazy. How hard could it be to use the find & replace function before you went to the publisher?

I went in to the doctor yesterday to confirm I really was pregnant before I started telling people. My regular medical care is provided through the military, so I’m seen at the clinic on base. They did a blood test and then sat me down for a talk.

When the nurse started The Talk, I figured it was pretty routine. No, I don’t smoke pot. No, I don’t use any street drugs. No, I don’t smoke. Yes, I do drink but not since I found out I was pregnant. Yes, I understand the importance of not doing these things. Yes, I know proper nutrition is vital. Then she asked, “Are you married?” Wait, what? Why? Is this medically relevant? It just so happens that I am married, but it’s not exactly a requirement to have a healthy baby. Are you going to refuse me care because of my marital status? The nurse told me they didn’t do OB-GYNcare on base and they would write me a referral to an outside practice. I picked one close to my house and was sent on my way with a prescription for a year’s worth of prenatal vitamins. I really hope I’m not pregnant for a year.

The OB-GYN’s office called me in to start some paperwork and lab testing. The paperwork was just like The Talk. Do you use intravenous drugs check yes or no. Do you taken herbal supplements check yes or no. Are you married check yes or no. Wait, what? Again? I thought it might have been an insurance thing last time, but you just made a copy of my ID and insurance card. Why does it matter if I’m married?

The nurse then offered me a goody bag of magazines and coupons for vitamins. I assured her that not only did I already have a prescription for the vitamins, I’ve actually been taking them since last July. “Don’t forget to take one every day,” she reminded me. Oh, I have to swallow them? I thought I was just supposed to keep the bottle under my pillow. I did not say that, but was still sent across the street to another office for more lab tests. I don’t think I’ve had this much medical care since the day I was born.

At the lab they wanted bodily fluids. But wait! Before I could pee on anything they needed some information. What’s your address? Social Security Number? Insurance Company? Are you married? Good Lord, really?

Perhaps this question gets asked over and over again because single mothers need more support and these kindly medical people just want to help. Maybe there are statistics to prove married women have higher risk pregnancies (or vice versa). Maybe it really is about insurance. In 2005, 33.9 percent of births were to single mothers, so is it really still considered unusual? I just know that it surprised me every time, and I was secretly releived I could answer “yes” in case the follow up question was “Then how did you get pregnant, you slut?”


4 Responses to “And baby makes…?”

  1. FF says:

    What does being married have to do with ANYTHING? Will be asking that doctor husband of mine (what, you thought I wouldn’t mention him??) if you have to answer that, why they even ask, and what they would do if you said “noneyabeezwax”.

  2. stacyinbean says:

    YAYYYY!!!! I really can’t believe they asked you about being married so many times, I’m going to hope you are right about the kindly medical people! Can’t wait to keep reading, I hope we’ll get bump pictures too (once it appears, of course)!

  3. Trashtastic says:

    AHA! I found you! Great blog, dahling, and I was one of those unmarried slut mommies. (And then I married the stupid bastid, and we all know how that turned out. ;)

    I, at times, felt judged, in varying degrees. Funnily enough, it was the female nurses at my particular OB’s office. Lots of pointed questions and looks at a certain finger of my left hand.
    Is it a Southern thing? No idea. I know my parents refused to speak to me for 6 months when I told them. Is it an old school/age thing? Don’t care. Doesn’t explain yet another heavy load of parental bullshit on top of a mountain.

    Mostly, I just blame the Republicans.

  4. myrtlebeachbum says:

    Another thing about being pregnant is that everyone will give you unsolicited advice. Allow me to be the one of the first by telling you that I loved Vicki Iovine’s “Girlfriends Guide” pregnancy books.

    Also, congratulations.