Here’s today’s parenting tip: Do not read to your child, especially if you value your sanity.

I don’t know why I was in such a hurry for my kid to like books. Obviously I didn’t remember just how mind-numbingly boring most books aimed at small children are. MIND NUMBINGLY BORING. We’re not talking classics like Little House on The Prairie or Where the Wild Things Are or even Harold and the Purple Crayon He’s Probably Going To Fall On and Accidentally Stab Through His Eyeball Because He’s Not Very Smart. Those are stories. The crap aimed at the diaper-wearing crowd is just colors and noises infused with some sort of toddler-brain crack that gets them hooked and then you’re forced to read the same eight words over and over and over to avoid the horrible toddler crack brain withdrawal meltdown that ends when you give in and slowly shove bamboo splinters under your own nails while pointing out the doggie and the ball and the triangle and the cloud and the DEAR GOD PLEASE TAKE ME NOW.

Seriously, HIDE THE BOOKS.

Or if you still want to be a “Good Parent” and encourage “literacy” and “education” and all that BS, just read to them from adult books you actually enjoy – and avoid these in particular:

Trucks Go by Steve Light

THE GARBAGE TRUCK GOES: BURBABA BURBABA BURBABA SCREECH BEEP BEEP BEEP CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH.

I can keep going if you want. I’ve got the damn thing memorized.

Unless you want truck noises taking up valuable space in your brain for the rest of your life, never ever ever let your kid see this book. The bright colors and the random noises are immensely entertaining to small children while being seizure inducing in sane adults.

Baby Einstein Let’s Look!: First Look and Find

I did not buy this book. Obviously the “friend” who gave it to me clearly isn’t a “friend” at all, since I wouldn’t give this to my worst enemy. It’s actually a whole set of terrible books with these crazy unidentifiable animals dressed as people (anteater? REALLY? my toddler is supposed to know that?) doing ridiculous things while you read poetry even less well written than “There once was a man from Nantucket” and encourage your child to point at the red birdie and the blue drum and the…what the heck is that? A telescope? You want my baby to find a TELESCOPE? How about we work on basic body parts before we get to astronomy equipment, mmkay?

I usually just throw this one behind a chair. Somehow Baby Evan keeps finding it anyway.

Knuffle Bunny: A Cautionary Tale by Mo Williams

Don’t let the fancy awards and accolades and reviews on Amazon fool you. Right in the middle of the rather disturbing tale of a child whose horrible, careless father LOSES her beloved stuffed animal there are three pages of NOISES. Yelling noises. Noises that will make your kid laugh hysterically and cause him to bring you this book over and over and over until you’re tempted to just “lose” it in the washing machine too.

Bee tee double you: Can someone PLEASE tell me how to say “Knuffle Bunny”???? Is it a silent K like knife? Is it “kan-uffle?” I need to KNOW these things so I don’t send my kid to preschool totally confused. WARS HAVE BEEN FOUGHT OVER LESS THAN THIS.

Monkey About with Chimp and Zee by Catherine and Laurence Anholt

There is a page in this book that says you should lick it. LICK IT. I’m even more disturbed because this too is a hand-me-down book, which means someone else has probably licked it. The rest of it’s not that bad – very short – but that’s sort of like saying “Well yes, the meal at that restaurant was lovely besides the part where I found a pubic hair in my salad.”

Peek-A Who? by Nina Laden

The whole book is just stuff that rhymes with “who”. Moo, zoo, boo, choo-choo. It takes approximately 24 seconds to read the entire thing (even including the baby kissing the mirror on the last page because he luuuurves the bebeh in the book). Which means you can read the whole thing approximately 150 times in an hour. And you will. Better get those bamboo shoots ready for your fingernails. Or at least some special Mommy-juice.

A Child’s Good Night Book by Margaret Wise Brown

Don’t let the adorable illustrations and calming words and the charming bedtime prayer at the end fool you. This book is…short…and…nice…and…OK, fine. This is pretty much my favorite kid’s book ever. We read it when we wake up. We read it at naptime. E reads it to Baby Evan before bed. And I would happily read this fourteen bazillionty times a day – no stupid rhymes, no goo-goo-ga-ga, no talking down to children, no activities. Just beautiful words and pictures and a few minutes with a peaceful baby in my lap. Damn you Margaret Wise Brown and your fantastic children’s books.

I guess maybe I’ll keep reading to my kid after all.

(Disclaimer: The links above are through my Amazon Associates account. So if for some TOTALLY INEXPLICABLE REASON you decide you actually want to purchase any of these terrible terrible books I get something like three cents commission. Which isn’t even close to enough money to pay for the shrink I need to see to get the damn garbage truck out of my brain.)

(Sorry about the title, I think it’s hilarious. E and I have been catching up on the last zillion episodes of Weeds in the past couple weeks.)

(Also, sorry about the errors and virus warnings and stuff. My host service has double checked everything and the site is now 100% clean.)

On Saturday, we all went down to the book fair in Groton to see what we could see. It wasn’t an elementary school style bookfair with catalogs and huge piles of cheap paperbacks on rolling racks. Instead, the library had arranged for a bunch of local authors to attend and showcase their books. I don’t think my husband or son were very impressed but I sure thought it was cool!

Not impressed. Although he did like the balloon animal turtle. He liked it so much he tried to eat it and we had to take it away.

It was tempting to buy copies of every book available, especially because author signed copies are one of my absolute FAVORITE things but I decided not to go crazy. Narrowing down my choices was actually really easy after I saw this book:

Sir Ryan's Quest

Climbing in cabinets! Playing with pots! That's what little boys are made of.

It turns out the author, Jason Deeble lives right here in Norwich.  He was very nice. He even had a pot Baby Evan could borrow.

He did that to himself. He thinks things on his head is hilarious.

Jason signed the book for Baby Evan and even drew him a little picture.

I love the drawings and the “monsters” Sir Ryan encounters on his quest are adorable. In the end he comes back to his mommy and he knows he has completed his quest. It’s really cute and definitely our new favorite. You can check out Jason Deeble’s website here and even order a signed copy for your little knight. As always, this is not a paid endorsement or product placement. I’m just excited to share our newest story.

Get ready for a few days of babywearing posts! I’ve got a couple new carriers, some pictures and one adorable baby-sized baby backpack from my own childhood.

First up, some illustrations…

From "That New Baby!" by Patricia Relf published 1980 and probably given to me when my mom was pregnant with my younger sister. I love that it's a dad wearing the baby!

From "Open House for Butterflies" by Ruth Krauss illustrations by Maurice Sendak (the Where the Wild Things Are guy) published in 1960. I loved this book as a child, it's full of adorable nonsense - exactly the sort of things a 5 year old would think or say.

For some reason when I think of babywearing, I think of it as either an ancient-times-slash-third-world-country tradition (Gasp! No strollers!) or as a novel new idea I practically thought of by myself (I’m a genius!). Clearly based on these illustrations people were doing it in 1960 and 1980 and probably every year before, between and after.

(Mostly off topic but sort of interesting sidenote: I found these pictures in a big stack of children’s books my mother had in the attic. Out of the 200+ books I looked through not a single one had a nursing mother or a breastfeeding baby anywhere in their pictures or mentioned in the story. If feeding was pictured/mentioned at all it was a bottle. Most of the books were from the 80’s – when breastfeeding lost some of the upswing it experienced in the previous decade – or from the 1950’s – when it probably wasn’t discussed at all. A quick Amazon search reveals I’m not the only one who has looked for illustrations of nursing babies and not found very many.)

A high school friend I haven’t talked to in almost 10 years emailed me this week to ask for baby gift suggestions for her 6 month old niece. She’s still in the childless stage of life where the thought of buying a fun and age appropriate gift for someone else’s baby causes you to break out in a cold sweat, and as someone with a similarly aged child she thought I could provide some guidance. I was happy to make some suggestions, since I know I spent many a Christmas shopping trip staring blankly at the toy aisle debating whether I’d be better off just sending a card stuffed with cash (babies like cash, right? It’s crinkly.) Is a baby doll too boring? Is a baby doll that cries and poops too creepy? Are stacking blocks too simple? Is a tiny laptop too complicated? So as a public service announcement for anyone in a similar situation, here’s my list of suggested gifts for babies.

Fisher-Price Laugh & Learn Fun with Friends Musical Table

For ages 6 months+
This is Baby Evan’s current favorite toy in the wholebigwideword, unless you count the empty diaper box. Which I don’t, because every time I’m reminded he’d rather go naked, nurse directly from the breast, sleep in our bed, and play with empty boxes I die a little inside thinking of all the money we’ve wasted. But I digress. This table can also be used without the legs for babies who aren’t quite standing yet. It plays lots of different songs, which is very important so you don’t stab your eardrums out after hearing “One two three four five six seven eight! Then! There’s NINE! Counting’s really great!” for the eight hundredth time that day. Plus it’s educational and stuff, teaching colors, shapes and Spanish.  ($42.99)

Sophie the Giraffe

Ages 0-12 months
If you love your niece/nephew/cousin/boss’s kid but you don’t really love them $45 worth, get them a Sophie. The number of kids chewing on these at any park or playgroup speaks for itself. Sophie is BPA free and non-toxic too, so even your fancy friends will approve. ($20)

Tubby Tug Boat

Ages 6 months+
This is what E bought Baby Evan for Christmas, since he is in charge of bath time and related activities. The bebeh loves the water and now that he’s got the sitting up situation under control we’re going to abandon the baby tub (although we have LOVED the one my sister bought me until now and I highly recommend it as a shower gift) and let him splash in our extra large sized tub. Since we’re currently using a disposable plastic cup meant for olive oil or salsa to wash Baby Evan’s hair, this toy will be practical for Daddy as well as baby. ($18.99)

The MULA Collection from Ikea

Recommended for ages 12 months+ (but Baby Evan loves them now)
Oh Ikea, is there nothing you can’t do? Affordable modern furniture? Check. Irresistible duvet covers? Check. Classic wooden toys at unbeatable prices? Check. My mom and grandmother bought Baby Evan the stacking lighthouse, the hammer bench and the stacking cups during an Ikea run and he loooooves them. (Although the hammer became the first baby toy confused for dog chew toy casualty.)  ($5.99+)

Robeez

Ages 0-4 years
These are the leather gold standard for baby shoes, but at $30 a pop no one can afford to buy more than one or two pairs for their own kid. SOMETIMES they go on sale, SOMETIMES you can find them at outlets, and SOMETIMES BabySteals has them as their daily steal (for about 2 seconds before they sell out).  We have one real pair I got at 70% off and one fake pair from TJMaxx, but if someone sent me the whole winter collection I’d be thrilled. Baby Evan enjoys chewing on them just as much as he enjoys wearing them. The sizes are really non-specific, but since the shoes are soft being a little small or a little large doesn’t prevent them from still being awesome. ($22+)

A few more suggestions:

Bright Starts Teether Pals – Baby Evan has a blue elephant version from Target, his friend has the yellow lion, and these are two other options. The combination of plastic, soft and crinkly really keeps him happy when he’s fussing. ($5.99)
Baby’s First Photo Album – I can’t find the exact one online but I PROMISE they sell them in the infant section at Walmart. It’s a soft book with plastic pockets for photos. Bonus points if you pre-fill it with recent photographs of  long-distance family members so baby can learn what Aunt Edna and Uncle Bert look like. ($12.99)
Earth Mama Angel Baby/California Baby Products – I love both these brands but they’re on the expensive side for everyday use. Buy your mama friend some baby wash, diaper cream, shampoo or baby oil, plus a little extra something for herself. ($12+)
BOOKS – Since most parents already have Goodnight Moon and Green Eggs & Ham, you’ll have to be a little more creative to find really good children’s books not on their shelf. I recommend searching Amazon for “reading rainbow books” to find amazing titles that have been forgotten or overlooked for the newest generation but may make Mom and Dad nostalgic for the days when you didn’t have to take my word for it! ($4.99+)

(Disclaimer: The links above that connect to Amazon have my Amazon Associates seller code embedded in them, which means if you click through and make a purchase I get a share of the sale. Which works out to approximately four cents. I actually recommend checking your local big box retailer – or special local baby store! – for baby toys first, since the sales this year are amazing.)

On Saturday, E and I took Baby Evan up to Amherst, Massachusetts to visit the Eric Carle Museum of Picture Book Art. I read Mr. Carle’s blog fairly regularly and he mentioned the museum was hosting an exibit of Tomie dePaola’s work this summer/fall. Now, I don’t like to play favorites with my children’s books – I have so very many favorites it would be impossible to choose one or two or twelve – but have you SEEN Tomie dePaola’s work? My favorite is The Quilt Story. It’s about a girl named Abigail whose family moves to a new home and her special quilt makes her feel safe and happy. Not to get all sappy and gross but we moved around fairly often when I was a kid, so that book meant a lot to me.

Along with the exibit of his work, Tomie dePaola was also going to be at the museum for a meet and greet on October 17th.  My copy of The Quilt Story was actually already signed “To Suzanne” by Tomie, way back in 1985. So the chance to meet him now, with my own child, was really exciting. (Sadly, Tomie just had surgery on his signing hand for carpel tunnel so he passed out bookplates instead of actually signing. Still worth the trip.)

Baby Evan is way too young to understand the actual museum and a little too young to enjoy the “studio” where kids can make their own crafts, but he was well behaved and – as always – a big hit with everyone who crossed his path. Ok, not WELL behaved – I’m told there was quite a bit of screaming during Tomie’s Q & A in the auditorium but E was nice enough to watch the baby in the hall so I could stay and listen, (Tomie was very funny in sort of an curmudgeonly old man way – he said he didn’t do school visits anymore because kids are hyper and awful and too much for him) but he didn’t poop or throw up on anything. Which is pretty much the baby equivalent of a standing ovation.

I couldn’t take any pictures in the galleries, which are set up like a regular art museum with lots of white space and low lighting. There are two galleries, one holds work by Carle and the other rotates original work by various children’s illustrators. It doesn’t take very long to see all the art (especially with an impatient child) but there is a children’s library, the studio and an amazing gift shop. We may have gone overboard in the gift shop, but with our military discount admission price (only $3 instead of $9!) the trip didn’t cost very much. The museum has an area called the “Cafe” but it was really just a dining space and a couple vending machines. We left to search for food and stumbled across a giant but insanely busy country market/grocery store/bakery/deli. If we hadn’t been in a hurry to get back and meet Tomie I could have spent HOURS picking out fresh produce and locally made goat cheeses. (In case you didn’t know, Amherst is a little…crunchy. Ok, the whole place smells like hippies. College kid hippies.) We also stopped at a pumpkin farm on the way home and got our family of pumpkins for carving and took some great pictures. I highly recommend Western Mass in the fall, and the Eric Carle Museum anytime.