How long after having a baby does one get to continue saying “I just had a baby”?

In my darling husband’s mind, “just had a baby” means “the umbilical cord is still attached”. Anything after that is just laziness. Why wouldn’t I want to have a zillion house guests, walk a few miles, go to the DMV? It’s not like “I just had a baby”.

I think at three months I can still say “I just had a baby” and it should excuse me from all sorts of things: social events, making dinner, wearing pants without elastic waistbands. Because I “just had a baby” I don’t have to feel bad about not fitting into my old clothes yet. I can’t be expected to do too much. I need to take it easy. “I just had a baby.”

But when I hear about someone who “just had a baby” and it turns out that baby is already walking/talking/attending preschool I think that’s pushing it. Once your baby can feed itself he’s more of a child than a baby and maybe it’s time to pack up that phrase. Although I guess there doesn’t need to be a limit. One of the advantages of having children is using them as adorable little excuses forever. But I’m going to start feeling guilty for saying “Sorry I can’t, I just had a baby” at some point. I just wish I knew when that was.

Baby Evan slept for NINE HOURS last night! I feel like George Clooney just showed up at my door on a unicorn to cook me breakfast and give me the Publishers Clearing House giant check and when I looked in the mirror I had lost 50 lbs and grew two inches. To celebrate, here’s Baby’s Greatest Hits from recent naps.

Weather permitting, I’m going to make this a weekly feature. Baby Evan is just about aware enough to start appreciating our little outings and my neighborhood has a lot of great houses and gardens to look at.

My thrush seems to be improving, but since my milk letdown (the squirting across the room part) is still kind of painful I decided to take everyone’s advice and fight the yeast from every angle. I called my doctor for the Diflucan and a prescription for All-Purpose Nipple Ointment. APNO is like the Holy Grail of breastfeeding problems, the one magical thing that will solve all your issues and make you nurse forever. Unfortunately, the pharmacist has to order two of the ingredients so I have to wait two days.

In the meantime, I tracked down some gentian violet ($4.97 at CVS, ask at the pharmacy counter). It’s amazing, said the breastfeeding experts, but watch out it stains. It really works, said my lovely commenters, but it turns everything purple. You definitely need some, says the internet, but about the color… It was a lifesaver for me, said my pharmacist, but my baby’s face was stained for months. So I got a little bottle and started using it last night.

OMG MY NIPPLES ARE PURPLE. NEON PURPLE. PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURPLE. Here’s a quick picture to give you an idea of what it looks like:

It also turned the baby’s mouth purple.

I’m scared to take Baby Evan out in public, since the bluish tint on his lips combined with his fair skin makes him look sort of…dead. The good news is he could star in ATTACK OF THE ZOMBIE BABIES no problem. Hollywood, we’re awaiting your call.

Things I have not had time to do yet today:
1. Eat
2. My 18 minute work-out video
3. Take a nap to make up for that 3 am feeding
4. Bring in the trash cans
5. Laundry
6. Put on a shirt not covered in spit-up
7. Make the bed
8. Take a shower

Things I DID do:
1. Change the baby
2. Feed the baby
3. Change the baby
4. Feed the baby
5. You get the idea
6. Call my doctor for a Diflucan prescription that I will probably won’t get to pick up until some time tomorrow since today is turning out to be an endless cycle of baby care.

So really, darling husband, when you announce you are “coming home for lunch” don’t be surprised when my response is more “Great, hold this kid while I pee” and less “I’ll be waiting for you, stud”.