Five Is Not My Favorite

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His hair looks lopsided because his hair is lopsided. He trimmed it himself.

Someone at Evan’s school taught him a good way to annoy people is to repeat everything they say. So now he can take anyone in the house from calm to BLIND MURDEROUS RAGE in approximately 6 sentences.

Me: Evan can you please put your shoes on?
Evan: Evan can you please put your shoes on?
Me: Ha ha very funny. Knock it off.
Evan: Ha ha very funny knock it off.
Me: STOP DOING THAT RIGHT NOW.
Evan: Stop doing that right now.
Me: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL THROW EVERY ONE OF YOUR TOYS IN THE TRASH AND YOU WON’T EVEN SEE AN IPAD FOR A MONTH IF YOU DO THAT EVEN ONE MORE TIME YOUNG MAN.
Evan: I…ok Mommy!
*Skips off oblivious to how close he was to being left at a the fire house*

At least once a week when his bus driver pulls up she has The Look on her face and I mentally add $5 to her end-of-the-year Dunkin Donut gift card. This week he was mad he had to sit next to someone and spent the whole ride home trying to push him out of the seat. They were buckled together, which made the pushing useless, but lead to a fair amount of screaming. “Pre-k bus driver” might be the worst job in the world, but being the parent who is constantly apologizing for their kid’s horrible behavior sucks too.

The other day I asked Evan if he wanted a turkey sandwich for lunch. He said “No thank you”. I made one for Caroline and put everything away. Less than 5 minutes later he was practically climbing the walls, wailing about how he would DIE if he didn’t get a turkey sandwich right now. I’m not even sure what I’m SUPPOSED to do in that situation. It was lunch time, he was definitely hungry. A turkey sandwich is a reasonable lunch request. But he said no! And I told him if he said no he didn’t get another chance! So which is the more important part of parenting here: following through with what I said or feeding my hungry child?

I made him a turkey sandwich.

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Five is basically the same as a teenager, but with way less impulse control and emotional maturity. He has SO MANY FEELINGS and deals with a lot of complicated social situations – friends and best friends and who can sit with who at school and whether or not they wear pink on Wednesdays – but for the very first time. It’s hard to even watch, it must be super hard to try to navigate as a little tiny person.

In the mornings, before he gets on the bus, we sit together on the front steps. Most mornings he still wants to sit on my quickly-disappearing-lap and snuggle a little, which is TOTALLY FINE with me. But it only takes one wrong question (Do you think you’ll have fruit for snack? Isn’t that flower a pretty color? Would you like your very own pony??) for him to go from cute and cuddly to the mayor of Grumpypants Town. I don’t even like driving through Grumpypants Town, let along socializing with its elected officials.

Luckily the times he’s not being impossible he’s amazing and super fun and likes me to play the radio loud in the car so we can both sing along badly. But five is not my favorite.

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10 Responses to “Five Is Not My Favorite”

  1. Sarah says:

    This is such a scary peek into my future! I will say, though, I love when you post the little ways your kids misbehave just like mine so I know they’re not magical little pixie siblings who always make Good Choices.

    Also, and this is NOT AT ALL MEANT TO BE JUDGY because my parenting? No great shakes. But I might have made him eat yogurt or a PB&J or something – do my motherly duty by feeding the child, but not give in to his whims? I don’t know. Sometimes I’m just tired so anything goes…
    Sarah recently posted… Love, Jake and Sofia – Review: Disney Junior Live on Tour! Pirate and Princess Adventure!

  2. Erin says:

    So which year is your favorite so far?

  3. Leah says:

    It’s funny how this stuff is. I loved five because it was the end of most tantrums. Annoying? I can handle annoying. And I am a mean mommy. I probably would have made him get the damn sandwich himself.

    Actually, I think that’s the best thing about five. They can finally do basic stuff for themselves… and do it for their sisters too. I’m just saying. No one ever died from a bread knife accident.

    Probably.
    Leah recently posted… Anatomy of Meltdown

    • Suzanne says:

      I need to work on his self-feeding skills. We’ve covered the, uh, other end effectively. That seemed much important.

      Some weeks five is great. I’m pretty sure this is just called “having kids”.

  4. Amy says:

    Yes. Exactly.

  5. Ahhh MAN! Going on three is not my favorite…I didn’t know five was going to be worse. Ugh!
    Jennifer @ Also Known As…the Wife recently posted… 1 Year

  6. Julie S. says:

    The food thing? Brayden does that. Drives me insane. K will ask for something and I will get it and settle back in to whatever I was doing and then he asks for the same. SERIOUSLY? WHY DO YOU WAIT UNTIL I PUT IT AWAY? I totally feel you. He will be 5 in July and it’s already not my favorite.
    Julie S. recently posted… The DIY Bug

  7. Amy C. says:

    I 1000% agree with you. Our kids are just slightly different in age (3 months between Evan and Johnny), so while we haven’t hit five yet, I can already see the changes. Suddenly, he back talks. I make dinner and he tells me, “You know what I’m going to do when I’m older? I’m going to make a bunch of food you don’t like, and I’m going to make you eat it all or go to bed while I play video games ALL NIGHT.” Where did my precious baby go?

    I think a large part is exactly what you mentioned – so many feelings. Sometimes I forget that this is all new to him, too. They don’t know what to do with their feelings at this point. It’s new to them to feel that way – to miss mom so much, to be SO angry, to be disappointed. I don’t know how to react when he tells me “Jarrod isn’t my friend, because he said he didn’t want to play with me anymore.” I know he is sad, and quite honestly, my knee-jerk reaction (*which I do not vocalize even though I’m screaming it in my head) is to say, “Oh really? Mommy will talk to Jarrod and let him know that he sucks to play with.” It makes ME sad as a parent. I can kiss scraped knees, ease coughs and soothe fevers, and while I know we’ll get through it, seeing emotions in a little kid is just harder to deal with. I love watching him grow, but I’d vastly prefer the scraped knee.

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