Dear person who found my site by searching “mom big boobs lactating extended clips”,

NO. And shame on you. Unless were looking for tips to help get the baby latched on correctly when you’re engorged, in which case, my bad and definitely check out www.kellymom.com.

God I probably just made it worse, didn’t I?

1. Pick boogers out of someone else’s nose.
2. Refer to a diaper loaded with crap as poopies.
3. Show your boobs in public several times a day (without any Mardi Gras beads in sight).
4. Really enjoy looking at pictures of other people’s babies.
5. The mom-spit thing.
6. Pee with the door open.
7. Examine passing strollers the way you used to look at sports cars.
8. Trade in your US Weekly subscription for Parenting and Cookie.
9. Truly appreciate sleep.
10. EVERYTHING ELSE you judged people for before you had kids.

Additions?

Dear Jeopardy,

Although I am confident my child is incredibly gifted and a true genius who will someday cure cancer, discover the secret to cold fusion, and invent a diet pill that causes chocolate to burn fat, lets give him a second to figure out how his hands work and why he can’t fit both in his mouth at once. So maybe you should cool it with the “Your child could be on Jeopardy!” emails for, say, five more years. Or at least until he stop crapping himself. K, thanks.

xoxo

Suzanne

My future genius at 14 weeks.

I don’t mean to brag but I have a really good baby. I mean, as far as infants go I think he’s pretty easy. I feel like I should be typing this in teeny tiny letters. Or not at all. I would hate for the Baby Gods to read it and go “Too easy you say? WE CAN FIX THAT” and then all of a sudden my baby gets colic, and ear infection and four teeth.*

His newest skill is telling me what he wants. Like, TELLING me. He really loves making funny sounds and faces and blowing raspberries but now he’s doing it with purpose. Tired is rubbing his eyes. Happy is smiling and laughing (duh, that one didn’t take a genius). But my favorite is hungry. He sticks his tongue out and smacks his lips and if my hand is close enough he LICKS me. He pulls my fingers into his mouth and slobbers all over them as his signal for “Time for food Mom!” When he’s awake he can be happily entertained by just about anything from the dog to music to his own feet. He’s just really really happy. I don’t want to be all soppy and gross about it but I’d saying Baby Evan is a true joy to be around. For me. You’d probably think he smells weird and drools to much and has a funny shaped head. But I think you smell weird too, so it’s ok.

Although I don’t know much about babies I do know I should enjoy this while it lasts, since pretty soon he’ll start with the teething and the launching himself off the furniture towards anything with a sharp corner. After that I’m pretty sure it’s all downhill until he leaves for college graduates from college gets a real job and his own apartment. But I’m basing all that on my limited experience with little boys which consists entirely of my brother and tv sitcoms.

Isn’t it amazing how quickly my brain has blocked out those first few horrible weeks of sleeping on the couch and walking around half dead? Please don’t remind me. I felt dangerously close to the edge emotionally for a few days but am so so so so SO much better now I can’t even explain. Damn baby is even making me think I should have another one. I KNOW.

*Half way through writing this post, Baby Evan peed through his diaper, puked all over himself and started screaming. Serves me right. Although after a change and a cuddle he was good again.

Turn your sound on.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-EgoUY0HWvM&hl=en&fs=1&]