I was really excited for this to be a BIG REVEAL with DRAMATIC PICTURES illustrating how different I look after losing 30 pounds, but instead I’m kind of depressed at how NOT different I look.

Left, May 2011 - Right, March 2012

Although, whoa, did my boobs get smaller. I should try to find a photo of myself at 9 months pregnant with Caroline, since I’ve lost almost 60 pounds total if I’m counting from my highest weight ever. And I DO see a difference, both in pictures (I don’t hate them all!) and in my clothes. I had to buy smaller jeans. My old work wardrobe fits. I ordered a dress in a size medium from ModCloth and am probably wearing right now. Last week I wore a pair of knee-high boots I have literally owned for 3 years and have NEVER gotten to zip over my calves before. And I could write a novel about how much better I FEEL. It’s a cliché, but it’s a totally true cliché. I know I am having a much better time on my trip than I would have had 30 pounds ago and not dreading all the parts that involve a bathing suit.

Of course, I have probably also gained back at least ten of the pounds I’ve lost on the cruise. Can you say midnight chocolate buffet? But honestly, even if I don’t stick 100% to my Weight Watchers plan while I’m gone I have learned a lot about filling up on vegetables and fruit, controlling snacking and portion sizes and balancing treats with activity. Those aren’t hard concepts and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out losing weight is just a calories in vs. calories out equation but no matter how many times I told myself to eat less and move more nothing else has WORKED like Weight Watchers does. I am looking forward to a much more dramatic after picture in the not-too-distant future.

p.s. Has anyone seen my 30 Day Shred DVD? I know I threatened to throw it out the window the last time I tried it, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t. At least 50% sure.

Even though I have been telling people my kids are “three and one” for weeks now I don’t actually BELIEVE it. Three?! How can Evan be three?! Three so many years! Three is huge! Three is preschool and backpacks. Three is inside jokes and friends and opinions and ideas and favorites and independence. Three is clothes in size ginormous and shoes with huge rubber soles. Three is sitting in a chair at the dinner table. Three is repeating everything that comes out of my mouth.

Three is a kid who INSISTS he is too big for naps but falls asleep on the couch at 3 pm clutching his favorite blankie.

If you asked me RIGHT AT THIS SECOND how I like this age, I’d be very enthusiastic. It’s so great! He’s like a real human! He is kind and helpful and polite and is capable of understanding what I say and following directions. He was good for the babysitter. He’s super excited to see his grandparents next week. He is the best big brother ever. If he’s bored and whiny it’s easy to distract him with a game on my iPhone (BabyCenter needs to add “can unlock and correctly use a smart phone” to their list of milestones because it is HUGE) and I can finish Stroller Strides or shopping or whatever. It’s nice to have a kid I actually LIKE as well as love. Because other days – the ones where he hits me in the head with his sippy and throws himself on the floor at the mall and screams at me and I have to drag him out kicking and screaming – I still want to sell him to the circus. He is a wild beast who refuses to use his words or tell me what’s wrong or calm down. He will cry until he’s out of tears and then fake-cry until he can’t breathe. Oi, the fake crying is the WORST.

But really, there are more good days than bad and even the bad days are more like bad HOURS instead of days. He might stall at bedtime for a few minutes but he sleep all night. He isn’t the most adventurous eater but I’m not worried he’s going to starve to death. He likes to play trains with me but can also play by himself while I fold laundry or clean the kitchen. He still agrees to cuddles and kisses and tells me I’m pretty – even if his favorite game is telling me to make a sad face and then laughing at me. Three year olds are like walking, talking contradictions and life is never, ever boring.

Likes include his blankie, milk, cereal, bagels, cream cheese, running, slides, the mall, Target, friends, the dog, the cat, the iPad, bubbles, watching TV, trains, dinosaurs, snow, lollipops, Daddy, reading books, baby sister, and being carried when he is tired.

Dislikes include being woken up, watching “Mommy’s shows”, sharing, sticky hands, wiping his own butt, and being carried when he is NOT tired.

Having my picture taken is LAME.

Not even in a booster seat!

Plotting things

Obsessed with cereal

On the look out for cereal thieves

35 Month Milestones (from BabyCenter, as usual)

Mastered Skills (most kids can do)
• Describes how two objects are used – Yes, he can talk about trains and Legos all day.
• Uses three to four words in a sentence – His sentences have gotten SO much longer and more complicated (but also way more understandable) in the past week or two. Almost every day E and I look at each other in amazement and how much Evan understands and repeats.
• Names two actions (e.g., skipping, jumping) – Yes, but his favorite is “Be quite guys, I’m SLEEPING” when he is pretending to sleep.

Emerging Skills (half of kids can do)
• Hops and skips – He can hop hop hop but I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him skip (or asked him to skip)
• Follows a two- or three-part command – Yes, and I am ABUSING THE CRAP out of this milestone when I need something thrown in the hamper or the trash or when Caroline needs something. He’s a great helper.
• Separates fairly easily from parents – I would have said no until last Saturday, but the morning after the babysitter put him to bed he woke up asking for her and told me to go away. So YEAH WHO NEEDS PARENTS?
• Rides a tricycle – He hasn’t tried since last summer, but I’m betting he’s going to be a cycling machine once the weather warms up.

Advanced Skills (a few kids can do)
• Balances on each foot for three seconds – I just asked him if he could do this and he picked up his foot and looked at me like I was a crazy person. DUH MOM, THIS IS FOR BABIES.
• Gets dressed without help. – He can take OFF his clothes, especially his pants and underwear when he goes potty by himself (by himself!!!!!) but he has a little trouble getting them back on.

I finally scheduled a doctor’s appointment to get referrals – one for the scary mole on the back of my arm and one for the scary shouting I can’t seem to control. The appointment was at 9 am on a Thursday at the military healthcare building. On Wednesday, I realized my car didn’t have updated stickers and I couldn’t get on base without stickers.

I went to get new stickers.

I couldn’t get stickers because my ID had just expired, so the guy gave me a temporary pass to get to the ID office.

I went to get my ID.

I couldn’t get a new ID because my sponsor – my husband – has to be with me OR I needed a power of attorney OR he needed to come in and fill out a form.

I called my husband.

No, he couldn’t come. No, he had to be at work. No, he couldn’t do it on his lunch break. No, he couldn’t do it tonight. No, there is no way it could be done before my appointment tomorrow.

I started to cry.

“FINE!” I screamed into the phone, “I hope your job is REAL HAPPY when your wife goes FUCKING CRAZY because you couldn’t take TWO MINUTES to come sign a piece of paper. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.” I hung up.

No stickers, no ID, no form, no appointment. No no no no no no no no no.

I watched the kids run back and forth in the grass outside the building and wondered if I was just imagining going crazy or if it was something that was actually happening. It was 55 degrees in January, after all. Maybe this wasn’t real life.

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 The next day I was really embarrassed about my temper tantrum, just like I always am. I calmly rescheduled my appointment and couldn’t figure out why it had felt SO URGENT only a few hours before. I should just stop overreacting and calm down. There’s no reason to be so angry. Good mothers don’t shout so much. I told myself I just suck at everything and need to get over it. Just like I said the time before, and the time before that, and the time before that, and the time before that… I kept my appointment.

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I talked to my doctor for a long time on Tuesday and filled out her questionnaires as honestly as possible. She said it sounded like anxiety – which I was just calling OVERREACTING TO ALL THE THINGS – with mild depression. I don’t know if it’s technically postpartum anything but when the doctor said “It’s OK, you’re not imagining things, I can help” I felt better than I have in months.

I took my first tiny Zoloft pill last Tuesday. I am still not sure how I feel about it. I am still not sure that it’s working. But I AM sure talking to my doctor was the right thing to do because she even recommended me to check this list of things that can help me in my troubled journey. I can’t believe I waited so long. I can’t believe I still feel so reluctant to share this. In my online life I know so many women who have dealt with or are fighting  or have overcome postpartum depression or anxiety or OCD or some other form of baby-related hormonal brain disease. Some days I wondered if I was crazy for NOT having postpartum depression. And then when things started to feel out of control I wondered if I was just exaggerating so I could fit in. Oh look, another mommy blogger on medication. What a cliche. Doesn’t she know Dooce already did that? It’s so 2009. Besides, my “baby” is 13 months old – didn’t my ticket to postpartum mental disorder town expire in December?

Although I know the internet is FULL of support, in my real life things like this are Not Talked About. The only person I’ve ever heard mention PPD was the sad, weepy, exhausted mom at breastfeeding support group who was so obviously depressed I wanted to bundle her into my car and drive her to a therapist myself. I’ve never felt like that. No one has ever said “You look like you’re struggling.” My husband has never taken the baby away from me and suggested I talk to someone.  I think my family is going to be really surprised to read this. I’m worried what they’re going to think. But hopefully soon, I won’t have to worry so much about what I think.

Yesterday, while caring for both children, I…

Got the car emissions test done
Renewed my driver’s license
Mailed a package at the post office
Took Caroline to the lab at the hospital for her lead test
Went to BJ’s
Got copies of Caroline’s birth certificate from town hall
Filled up the car at the gas station
Did ALL the dishes and cleaned the kitchen
Did ALL the laundry, including the sheets
Put away ALL the laundry
Made dinner
Made dessert
Remembered to wash my face
Did not completely lose my mind

Today, I am…

Taking a nap

The End

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I am torn on whether or not doing ALL THE THINGS on one day is a good system, and I think we should discuss it.

Pros: Our usual Stroller Strides/playtime schedule  means I only have time for one or two errands BEFORE nap time and the kids are always a mess if I try to take them out AFTER nap time, so taking a day out of the week to get everything done seems like a good idea. Plus if I’m going to haul the kids in and out of the car a few times I might as well do it a LOT of times. I love crossing so much stuff list in quick succession – Check! Check! Check!! Once I get on a roll, I stay on a roll for a long time and my roll spirals into a super clean and organized house/life without lots of hemming and hawing and eye rolling about how much I don’t want to be doing it. And it’s true that once the house is clean it’s easier to keep it that way – I am less likely to throw dishes in the sink instead of putting them directly in the dishwasher if the sink is totally empty. Mostly, I am no longer totally overwhelmed by all the things I know I need to take care of but dread doing.

Cons: I usually only get to the point were I NEED to do all the things after weeks and weeks of avoiding and putting off and honestly should have done most of it a long time ago. It is really, really exhausting to drag the kids to so many places in one day and they really, really don’t like being dragged. When I am PLANNING to do all the stuff at once I don’t bother even TRYING to keep up with it on a regular basis so my laziness spirals out of control. On the days when I am doing all the things I end up ignoring the kids – obviously it is hard to ignore them in public, but at home they watch too much TV and eat snacks off the floor while I try to organize just ONE MORE junk drawer. No matter how much I DO get done, there are still MORE things on my list so I’m still a little overwhelmed.

Wow, that was also exhausting. I think I need another nap. Or maybe I need to suck it up and stop thinking so much about what I have to do and just do it.

Every time I mention potty training, someone comments that they’d like to hear more about what we’re doing. I know bloggers say things like that all the time – “I’m writing this post about my trash cans because I got sooooooo many emails about them!” – but honestly, I never get email. Never. So the fact that even ONE person was interested in potty training advice was a surprise and also gives me a great excuse to write about the how potty training is going.

Short version: Great! Almost! I am being LAID BACK.

Long version: I do not have any idea what I am doing. Like my friend Alena keeps saying, I am not qualified for this. It is partly my fault, since besides reading the potty training blog posts as they pop up in my reader and watching Little Evan’s 2 best friends train themselves almost a full year ago (damn overachievers) I haven’t made much of an effort to learn anything about it. I was a) scared b) really scared and c) so scared I practically forgot my own potty training. If you are just starting or thinking about starting, you are probably scared too.

But I am here to tell you it might not be that bad! Really! I have had to clean up poop zero times! (E has had to clean up poop once, but we’ll get to that.) The laid-back approach means there have been zero tears or shouting over potty times. Here is the outline for my non-method method.

1. We waited until he showed interest to start training. And when I say “showed interest” I mean he was telling me before he had to use the potty, even though he was still wearing diapers.  He could already feel the need and was able to hold it. He has the vocabulary to tell me, loudly, that he needs the toilet so I never miss a sign. I like easing into things rather than all-or-nothing (because I am laid back), so starting slow worked well.

2. He watched other people using the potty. Because the two friends he sees the most ARE potty trained, he’s been going into the bathroom when they go for months. I know that sounds weird, but he was already familiar with how the potty worked before he started using it regularly because other moms let him tag along and I think it really helped.

3. One word: bribery. I have bribed him with the following things: lollipops, m&m’s, candy corn, cookies, tv, hugs, lemonade and hand washing. I don’t offer him something unless I have to or he specifically asks, so I’d say he only gets a treat one out of every three times (obviously he still gets hugs and hand washing, but if offering them as a reward works then I’ll keep doing it).

4. As long as he doesn’t go in his pants, anywhere else is OK. The training potty? Sure! The big potty! Awesome! Pee in the bushes? Fine. Standing up? Whatever. The nice part of being so laid back is he has no trouble going in public, so venturing out without diapers wasn’t too terrifying. The only down side is needing to clean my bathroom extremely thoroughly every day he decids to pee standing up. We’re still working on aim.

5. We aren’t pushing night-time training yet. He’s about 50/50 on staying dry during naps, but he is a very sound sleeper and I know I’d end up changing sheets every single morning. I have heard that boys can be potty trained for years before they are night-time trained so I’m not concerned. There’s an entire KIND of diapers meant for night-time accidents so we are obviously not the only ones.

6. Cool underwear. Diego, Yo Gabba Gabba and Thomas are all options on any given day and if he wants to change them for no reason? FINE. I bought plenty.

It’s been nine days since we first took Little Evan out of the house without a diaper and as of right now, he’s in underwear any time he’s awake. He’s had zero out-in-public accidents and zero accidents when he’s with me.

The reason I’ve expressed frustration with the process in the past is because we had several false starts – I thought we were SO CLOSE but he’d get mad and ask to go back to diapers. He was either holding it allllllll day and having an accident right before nap/bed time or refusing to go for so long it was giving him a stomach ache and then pooping in his sleep. Our other set back is with E coming and going every week Little Evan is having a hard time adjusting and it results in accidents. He isn’t comfortable telling E when he has to potty and E doesn’t remember to ask constantly (something I don’t have to do). I feel bad for both of them. But I am LAID BACK so I’m sure it will get better.

Whew. There you go. 1000 words about potty training you never wanted to read. Basically, my advice to anyone starting or thinking about starting would be to figure out what works for your kid. Don’t think you have to pick a method. Don’t convince yourself there is a “wrong” way. Some kids need structure and absolutes, some kids don’t, so don’t be afraid to try something different if what you’re doing isn’t working. Remain laid back.

Today, I am thankful I haven’t had to scrub poop out of the carpet. I am thankful for every diaper I DON’T have to change. I am thankful he won’t be going to kindergarten in training pants. I am thankful that I am no longer scared of potty training. I am thankful for wine, which helps me to be so laid back.