I was really excited for this to be a BIG REVEAL with DRAMATIC PICTURES illustrating how different I look after losing 30 pounds, but instead I’m kind of depressed at how NOT different I look.

Left, May 2011 - Right, March 2012

Although, whoa, did my boobs get smaller. I should try to find a photo of myself at 9 months pregnant with Caroline, since I’ve lost almost 60 pounds total if I’m counting from my highest weight ever. And I DO see a difference, both in pictures (I don’t hate them all!) and in my clothes. I had to buy smaller jeans. My old work wardrobe fits. I ordered a dress in a size medium from ModCloth and am probably wearing right now. Last week I wore a pair of knee-high boots I have literally owned for 3 years and have NEVER gotten to zip over my calves before. And I could write a novel about how much better I FEEL. It’s a cliché, but it’s a totally true cliché. I know I am having a much better time on my trip than I would have had 30 pounds ago and not dreading all the parts that involve a bathing suit.

Of course, I have probably also gained back at least ten of the pounds I’ve lost on the cruise. Can you say midnight chocolate buffet? But honestly, even if I don’t stick 100% to my Weight Watchers plan while I’m gone I have learned a lot about filling up on vegetables and fruit, controlling snacking and portion sizes and balancing treats with activity. Those aren’t hard concepts and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out losing weight is just a calories in vs. calories out equation but no matter how many times I told myself to eat less and move more nothing else has WORKED like Weight Watchers does. I am looking forward to a much more dramatic after picture in the not-too-distant future.

p.s. Has anyone seen my 30 Day Shred DVD? I know I threatened to throw it out the window the last time I tried it, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t. At least 50% sure.

When I wrote out my New Year goals, I made a corresponding list of rewards for reaching certain milestones. People do this all the time, often to great effect. Once you lose some weight you can buy new shoes! Get a manicure! Take a vacation! You deserve nice things because you’ve worked so hard! So for two months now I’ve been thinking about the new tattoo I’ll get or the new haircut I’ll splurge on or the new jeans I will buy. Eventually. Someday.

And in the meantime I’ve felt dumpy and boring and unattractive. It’s really too bad there’s a law that says being overweight means I can’t have nice things.

OH. WAIT.

The idea that my pants size should prevent me from treating myself well is bullshit. Bullshit I say! It’s part of that terrible, dangerous idea that if only I weighed X all my problems would be solved. It’s putting my life on hold until I achieve some arbitrary ideal that matters exactly zero point zero percent to anyone. It didn’t work when I was 17, it didn’t work when I was 23, and it’s not going to work now when I’m 30. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to knock it off, but instead I will tell you:

You will never, ever get to a weight that will MAKE you happy. You can choose to be happy right now.

Reward yourself for surviving today. Buy new shoes because they make you smile. Buy new jeans because they make the ass you have look fantastic. Get a scoop of ice cream because ice cream is delicious. Book a massage because life is stressful and massages are awesome. Get a manicure because it makes you feel good about yourself and when you feel good about yourself you treat yourself better – both physically and mentally.

I’m not saying I’m quitting my diet. I’m not saying I don’t still want to be thinner. I’m not saying I won’t celebrate when I get to my milestones. But it’s so much easier to not eat my feelings when my feelings are happy, light and beautiful. Why not do something now that makes me feel good?

Pink hair. My 10th grade self just squeed with joy.

I am done waiting to be happy. I am doing nice things for myself today, right now. I don’t have to earn my happiness – I am choosing to love myself today.