There’s nothing like the internet to make you feel bad about your kid’s milestones, amiright?

At least I totally won in mobility milestones with the “My kid’s walking already!” I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I looooved the looks on other mom’s faces at the mall when my answer to “Wow, he’s walking so well! How old is he?” was “Just turned 10 months. He’s very active!”

Oh parenting karma, thou art a total bitch.

At almost 16 months, Baby Evan is definitely communicative but not exactly verbose. He doesn’t pick up new words very quickly or repeat things we say immediately, although every once in a while shocks me by correctly using a word or sign I had no idea he knew (like “more”, which I swear to God I signed four hundred times a day for three months until I gave up – and then a couple weeks ago he was all “yeah, I want more, give me more, WHY DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M SAYING WOMAN??? MOOOOOOORE.”)

Words He Says Consistently (and mostly understandably)
Ball
Dog
Cat
Balloon
Book
Daddy
Kiss
Uh Oh
No
Bye

Words He Signs
More
Dog
Eat
In
Milk
Bird
Fish
Hot
Yucky
Bye bye
Baby (I LOVE this one, he knows the baby is in my belly too)

Words He Might Be Saying But I Have *COUGH* NO IDEA Where He Would Have Learned
Shit

Words He Understands
Hey kid, stop running away from me and come over here!
Uh oh, you made a mess! Can you use this paper towel to clean it up?
Would you like to go play on the playground?
Where did you put that pink plastic cover thing that goes on Mommy’s phone?
That’s dirty, can you throw it in the trash?
Where’s your nose?
Where are your feet?
Don’t touch Daddy’s computer.
You may touch the yarn but please don’t grab it.
Stop hitting the dog.
Stop jumping on your baby sister.
Stop trying to climb the stairs.
Danger!

And pretty much EVERYTHING ELSE we say to him. He has no shortage of comprehension skills – it’s just a matter of whether or not he feels like listening. Because he’s a toddler and toddlers are JERKS.

So I guess he’s not exactly STUNTED in the vocabulary department. It just feels like it because of the internet. Maybe the INTERNET is the jerk.

So in the excitement of yesterday and this weekend (no not THAT excitement, although if you’re as sick of hearing about it as I am definitely read this), I almost forgot Baby Evan’s monthday is today! 16 months doesn’t sound like anything special but for me it’s getting way too close to 18 months, which is a year and a half. And when he’s a year and a half he’ll be closer to 2 than 1 and my heart might break into a zillion teeny tiny pieces because I will definitely have to stop calling Baby Evan Baby Evan. I’m actually sort of glad I’ve got a new baby to ease the pain of watching my firstborn turn into such a PERSON.

Examples of personhood include: following directions more often than not, FINALLY signing “more” when he wants more and then pointing at the specific thing he wants more of, turning the pages of books as I read them, giving bedtime hugs and kisses and then requesting to be put in the crib and left alone to sleep, and clapping along with any and all applause on the television. Oh yeah, and running/climbing/dancing/grabbing/all manner of other child-like behaviors I swear he couldn’t do yesterday. Someone tell me he’s going to slow down soon – at this rate he’s going to be doing long division and competing in Olympic sports by the time he’s 6.

Time for some arbitrary and mostly meaningless milestones!

16 month milestone from Baby Center

Mastered Skills (most kids can do)
• Turns the pages of a book – Yes, although this isn’t always a good thing since he gets bored with more than about four words per page and starts flipping to the end after a few seconds. I have no idea what happens in the middle of Pigs Aplenty, Pigs Galore. I’m assuming it involves pigs.
• Has temper tantrums when frustrated – Oh. Ha. Yes. Complete with thrashing, screaming and banging his head against the hardest object in the room. What a fun milestone.
• Becomes attached to a soft toy or other object – He has a blankie he sleeps with (and an identical extra blankie in case something happens to the first one)(both knit by his grandmother because she is awesome) and he definitely loves that blankie more than he loves other blankies…but I don’t think I would say he’s “attached”. Also, despite my best efforts he has no real interest in the bear I made him. Who, for the record, has a head now.

Emerging Skills (half of kids can do)
• Discovers the joy of climbing – So far, he likes climbing on and off the couch SO MUCH he hasn’t yet tried to climb anything especially dangerous. Plus he doesn’t really need to since he’s TALL ENOUGH TO REACH THE COUNTERS. Ack.
• Stacks three blocks – No, but he can knock down ALL of them.
• Uses spoon or fork – I’m not sure I’d call his utensil skills good enough for public viewing but we use them at home. He’s actually better with a fork than a spoon and really enjoys it.
• Learns the correct way to use common objects (e.g., the telephone) – Yes, definitely, and he’s becoming a better mimic every day. It’s adorable.

Advanced Skills (a few kids can do)
• Takes off one piece of clothing by himself – Does a diaper count? I’m pretty sure every kid this age has done that at least once, which I wouldn’t really call “advanced.”
• Gets finicky about food – He’s always been finicky about food. Right now he’s eating mainly animal crackers and mini bagels, but he FINALLY decided he likes whole milk so I’m hoping the weight check this month will still be good.
• Switches from two naps to one – How is this a milestone? For us it was a schedule thing – back when we first started doing Stroller Strides and Baby Signs and fourbazillionty other morning activities Baby Evan switched to just one mid-day nap. Luckily that noontime nap usually lasts at least two hours and can be moved successfully from the car to the crib most days if we’re running late. But I am already dreading the day he goes to NO nap. I’m not letting that happen until he’s in full-day kindergarten.

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Also, could I trouble you to click on the banner below to vote for me? I’m getting my butt kicked by all the cooler, fancier blogs and it makes me sad in the face. Thank you!

Yesterday morning when he woke up, Baby Evan lay in his crib and announced he was awake rather than cry or scream.

He ate a bagel and grapes for breakfast, an entire grilled cheese sandwich for lunch and ravioli off a plate WITH A FORK for dinner.

He brought us books and sat quietly while we read them. Over and over and over and over.

We played the “name that body part game” and he did nose, ear, head, belly and bellybutton on both himself and on me.

He gave lots of kisses both on demand and on his own.

He appears to have grown some more hair, especially on top.

At bedtime, he had a bath and jammies and a book and then E said “night night”, put him in the crib awake and standing up. Baby Evan lay down, hugged his blankie and went to sleep. Not a single protest.

WHO IS THIS TINY HUMAN BEING PERSON AND WHERE DID MY BABY LUMP GO????

p.s. I also felt Sandy moving for the first time yesterday. OMG THEY’RE GROWING SO FAST.

Since we’re still recovering from a terrible horrible case of overreactionitis, my Happy Monthday Baby! post is going to be sort of lame. I promise to make up for it tomorrow with a video of Baby Evan’s best tricks, including answering the question “how do you smell?” and the unofficial baby sign for “oh no!!”

15 Month Milestones from Baby Center

Mastered Skills (most kids can do)
• Plays with ball – Baby Evan loves balls and is pretty good at throwing them, except when he accidentally drops them behind his back
• Uses three words regularly – No, Dog, and More is his entire vocabulary, besides the sign for “milk”
• Walks backward – Can also run backwards. In circles.

Emerging Skills (half of kids can do)
• Scribbles with a crayon – Uh, maybe, but I’m not crazy enough to give him one. I don’t have the time to repaint.
• Runs – Very well, especially towards danger.
• Adopts “no” as his favorite word – I think his favorite word is “dog” but no is definitely a very very close second.

Advanced Skills (a few kids can do)
• “Helps” around the house – If by “help” you mean “removes the clean silverware from the dishwasher and throws it on the floor” or “steals the broom so he can hit the dog and knock stuff off the counters with it” then yes, he’s very very helpful.
• Puts his fingers to his mouth and says “shhh” – Aw, that would be so cute! But no.

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In other news, I’m doing my very first guest post today(I think. It’s not up yet because it’s ungodly early or maybe she changed her mind about it. I wouldn’t blame her)  ! Squee and OMG and I can’t believe someone is willing to risk their own blog’s reputation on my crap writing. Nicci at Changing the Universe is doing a whole series of vacation stories so today I’m sharing mine, including some truly priceless childhood photos from my grandparent’s lake house. Be sure to check it out and PLEASE leave me some comments so she doesn’t regret asking me to guest blog!

We’re currently going through a delightful and exciting stage of development called “I’m 14 months old and I hate everything”. It main consists of Baby Evan hating things and making his hatred known in the loudest, screechiest, most ear-splitting way possible. Things Baby Evan currently hates include:

1. Diapers
2. Getting dressed
3. Being told not to hit people
4. Being told not to throw things
5. The floor
6. Sleep
7. The cat
8. Shoes
9. Hats
10. Sunscreen
11. Water, especially the river, especially people going swimming in the river
12. Children
13. Any food besides the one specific kind he wants at that exact moment but has no clear way of communicating what that one specific food is
14. The world “no”
15. EVERYTHING ELSE

I think I could deal (if not exactly patiently and lovingly) most of the time if we could get back to the happy place where Baby Evan sleeps 7pm-7am with one early morning feeding. I’m not even asking for him to sleep through the night. I just need him to get more than 8 hours – for EVERYONE’s sanity. For the last week we’ve done our normal bedtime routine at 7:30 or 8:00 pm and then fought a screaming child for close to an hour before giving up and letting him come back downstairs to empty the cabinets and torture the dog for another hour until the face-rubbing and whining reach epic proportions. We considered having him asleep by 9:30 on Sunday night a victory…only to have him wake up for the day at 4:45 am. Last night was another “victory” where he only whined for a few minutes before passing out and AGAIN was up at an ungodly hour.

E and I are understandably exhausted, not just from our own lack of sleep but from the mental strain of a crying, unhappy child we cannot seem to comfort. We spend hours every evening having the same discussions over and over: Do you think he’s teething? He must be teething. One year molars you know. Do you think he’s hungry? What else can we feed him? He must be too tired to sleep, poor thing. Should we just bring him downstairs? I know we don’t want to but what else can we do? It’s probably his teeth. I’m clinging to the hope that it’s just a phase, a temporary setback before he goes back to the good sleeper (relatively speaking) we’ve had for the last 6 months. Either that or I’m selling him to gypsies. Do they still take babies?

The only other possibility – although it sounds sort of crazy to me – is maybe he’s having nightmares or bad dreams or terrors. I don’t know if that’s the sort of developmental milestone a baby grows into around the 1 year mark and I have no idea what to do about it. What does a 14 month old even have nightmares about? A sudden peanut butter shortage? Losing his last sippy cup? The passage of federal legislation making shoes mandatory at all times? Whatever it might be, my only hope right now is to fill his life with so many happy thoughts and new experiences he forgets all about it. Maybe there’s a circus I can take him to. That sounds exciting. And also like a good place to find some gypsies.