A Guide to Not Attending BlogHer’10

As the weekend of August 7-8 quickly approaches, I know you must have a lot of questions about not attending BlogHer. What won’t it be like? What won’t I wear? Who won’t I see? What if no one likes me? Don’t worry! As an expert in not attending – I haven’t gone for the past 7 years straight – I can hold your hand through this sometimes stressful process. Here are 6 simple steps to ease your concerns:

1. Relax
Even though I know you feel like the only one, there are literally millions of people not attending BlogHer. Some of them will even manage to survive the weekend. Freaking out about living your life as you would on any other day of the year is unnecessary. Act as you normally would, including these possible activities: sleeping, eating, showering, changing into clean pajamas, taking artsy pictures of food, cleaning up poop, spending money on Etsy on stuff you don’t need, staring at your Google reader hoping someone updates, wondering why no one ever calls anyone on the phone anymore.

2. Consider your wardrobe
Staying home definitely has its advantages. You don’t have to try to understand the difference between semi-casual cocktail evening dress attire and semi-formal afternoon reception I’m judging you in that skirt attire. You may even want to buy a new pair of stretchy pants for the occasion, just to celebrate not having to spend two days hoping no one notices your Spanx.

3. Write posts your readers actually care about
Although the whole BLOGGING world cares about BlogHer, I can assure no one else does. Become an internet beacon of light and joy to everyone who will be hiding from their RSS feeds, avoiding eight zillion blurry group shots where everyone is looking in different directions and wearing lampshades on their heads. In comparison, your poop tweets and posts about your kid’s sleep habits seem FASCINATING.

4. Avoid swag drama
If you want free stuff, I suggest rummaging your neighbor’s trash cans at night or stalking yard sales at 3 pm. Besides, Crocs are wicked ugly and McDonald’s is bad for you. Bonus: You don’t have to somehow work “Doctor Bob’s Amazing Vanishing Wart Remover” into your next post just because you took that sample for, uh, a friend.

5. Don’t wonder if people are ignoring you on purpose
A major advantage of staying home is not finding out one of your blogging heroes is really a giant jerk. This may come as a shock, but did yo know a lot of people are different in real life than they are online? And just because you comment on every.single.post. a blogger writes they still might not know who you are. It’s much safer and less soul crushing to stick to believing you two are BIFFs (best internet friends forever) and think fondly about that time she sent you an email – even if it was just about that giveaway you won.

6. Stop complaining
Constantly blogging or tweeting about how you’re NOT at BlogHer is almost as annoying as constantly blogging and tweeting about how you ARE. If it means you have to close TweetDeck for 48 hours, it’s a small price to pay to avoid pissing off half your followers. If you’re so broken up about it you can’t think of anything else, I suggest seeking counciling from other non-attendees and large quantities of alcohol (bonus: you’ll almost feel like you’re there!)

Remember, this is just ONE conference in ONE city ONE year. The internet will not forget who you are if you don’t get to meet some of them face to face and there are no free 10-day dream vacations to Paris in the swag bags. BlogHer attendance does not qualify you for some sort of Best Blogger of The Whole Interwebs award delivered by the Old Spice guy vomiting rainbows while riding a unicorn even if those bitches who went say they totally got one. Just follow my handy guide and maybe you’ll be one of the lucky non-attendees who wakes up Monday August 9th still alive and allowed to write stuff on the internet.

Besides, there’s always next year.

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23 Responses to “A Guide to Not Attending BlogHer’10”

  1. You crack me up. Every. Single. Time.

  2. Amy says:

    Also – wait a week, pretend you were there, complain about how everything in NYC was expensive and no one will no the difference.

  3. Molly says:

    One thing. I think I love you.

  4. Emmie Bee says:

    :) I love you Dude. Seriously. I’m cracking up & you should submit this to “blogher at home” ‘s blog!!

  5. Alena says:

    Ha ha ha this is HILARIOUS. I actually really nodded my head to the part about finding out that the person you love through their blog..is a total bitch in real life.

    Although I am going to live in jealousy…unless they move BlogHer to a better weekend of the year, I’ll probably never go!

  6. LCW says:

    This is fantastic. I hope you’ll join us for #DrunkHer that weekend. All types of beverages and attire are welcomed. I am promoting pj’s and wine. But it’s BYOB, so you can drink whatever you want behind your computer screen.

  7. I laughed so loud I popped a tampon out! TMI – I don’t care…I’m not meeting any of you anytime soon.

  8. So I’m confused (probably because I only have a vague sense of what BlogHer is). Does this blog mean that you are attending it or not attending???

  9. Rachel says:

    Hahahahahaaaa! I LOVE this! Awesome. Thank you.

  10. You are hilarious. I’ve been too busy new-mom-ing it to really be jealous (simply because my brain can’t yet process that emotion…but still…this is perfect!

  11. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Suzanne Davis, Abigail and notmommyofyear, Suzanne Davis. Suzanne Davis said: Oh man I am full of snark and sass today http://bit.ly/91NVPd I dedicate this post to @emmie_bee @MomNom and @KristiMaristi xoxo […]

  12. Brittany says:

    Love this! I am down with the idea of #DrunkHer.

    The whole idea of BlogHer (or blogging conferences in general) scares me because I am a social moron. I would be sitting in a dark corner simultaneously hoping someone notices me and hoping nobody talks to me because I’d say something amazingly ridiculous. I’ll just stay home and get ignored in the comfort of my own home!

  13. Swistle says:

    How much do I love this? VERY much.

  14. Susan says:

    I am more of a blog reader than writer, but I can tell you I’m sick of reading blogs where everyone is so worried about what to wear to this thing. Some go so far as to have you vote on which outfit. Ok, I’m done being snarky now. Thank you for allowing me to vent.

  15. Lisa says:

    Hilarious post. I doubt you’ll be missing anything. Talking to people IRL is seriously over-rated.

  16. metta1313 says:

    Love this! These are great words of wisdom and so glad you find tweets about my daughter forgetting how to sleep through the night so fascinating…at least that’s how I read it :). Seriously, in light of all the “OH MY GAWD I JUST GOT MY BLOGHER PASSES” tweets, this is right on! And I totally like LCW’s #drunkher idea. Bring on the drinks!

  17. I love it! And I hope that you will join us that weekend for some partying in our pajamas:)

  18. *love*. I might need to avoid my Tweetdeck for that weekend, though…

  19. I LOVE YOU!!!

    dead.

    over here?

    just dead.

    xoxoxo!

  20. KristiMaristi says:

    You effing crack me up. Like… Seriously laughing. I love this.

  21. Ariel says:

    Okay, this was hilarious!
    Nice to meet you, new BIFF! ;)

  22. […] a post about going to BlogHer (although I AM leaving to GO to BlogHer so if you’re as annoyed at all the conference talk as I was last year you can skip it – or just go read that post). This is about whether or not leaving my kids […]

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