Consider this fair warning if you come over and find me half-naked and shoeless at my house. Or, you know, at Target.

Things I am too pregnant for:

– Pants. Of any kind, including most yoga/sweat pants.
– Shoes. Thank God it’s been mild(ish) enough for flip-flips because my slip-on shoes make my feet STINKY.
– Shaving my legs, especially above the knee. But my armpits are nice and smooth!
– Cooking. Last time I almost set my belly on fire. This time it sticks out EVEN MORE and I’m in constant danger of resting it directly on a stove burner.
– Kidney stones. Hell, EVERYONE ON THE PLANET is too pregnant for kidney stones. Stupid f***ers.
– My laptop. I have no lap.
– Sitting up.
– Lying down.
– Walking.
– Carrying things. Especially toddlers. Especially on stairs.
– Eating more than baby-bird sized portions of food. My stomach is so squished from the inside I can’t eat more than a couple bites before I’m stuffed.
– Cravings. It’s no fun to “let” myself eat a whole bag of jelly beans when it just makes me feel like crap.
– Bending over. Which rules out most forms of cleaning.
– Sleeping.
– Walking downstairs to pee every two hours all night. I am currently considering all forms of adult diapers and/or bedpans.
– Marital activities. Not that E’s going to be all that interested once I’m wearing my Depends. (Sorry Mom)(And, uh, sorry to you too E.)

and

– Caring that ANY OF THE ABOVE leaves me pantless, shoeless, hairy, sexless, lazy, stinky and with a hungry, dirty family who is probably just as ready for me to stop being pregnant as I am.

36 WEEKS 4 DAYS PREGNANT AND I’M READY TO HEAR YOUR BEST BRING-ON-THE-LABOR SUGGESTIONS. Mine last time? Not so much.

I did this last time with Baby Evan’s due date and it was fun (plus if I don’t do it again I’m afraid my friend Lareign might send me a flaming bag of poo – she really likes guessing). This time I was going to set things up fancier with some sort of website to keep track of everyone’s guesses but it seems sort of unnecessary – I mean, on a good day I get 15 comments, do I REALLY need some sort of software to tell me the 23rd is the closest day to the 24th? I might be too big for my literal britches but getting too big for my metaphorical britches is just annoying.

So here’s the deal: Leave a comment on this post guessing the date and time you think Baby Sandy will make her official appearance into the world. I’m including hour/minute this pregnancy so people can guess the same day if they want, but this isn’t Price is Right so you can be closest even if you go over. I’m also making it much! more! exciting! by offering the winner an actual prize – I recently bought some gorgeous yarn with sequins woven into it and will be knitting something pretty, like a scarf or a cowl that I will mail to the person who is closest. (That is, if you want it. You can’t really give it as a Christmas gift, because there’s very little chance I’ll even KNOW who won by Christmas, and you might think handmade knit stuff is sort of dorky so if you don’t want it you can just say so nicely and I’ll keep it for myself donate it to a charity or something.)

Here’s all the info I have that might help you make your guess:

– Her official due date is December 26th, based entirely on an early ultrasound (which is supposed to be the most accurate measure) since I didn’t have a last menstrual period to go by
– I was 4 days late with Evan (Due April 1st, born April 5th)
– He was born at 7:21 pm after about  20 hours of labor, less than 11 of which I was in the hospital
– All 3 of my mother’s babies were late
– I’ve been having contractions (practice ones, not real ones, called Braxton-Hicks) since I was about 28 weeks
– When I went into the hospital for the HORRIBLE PAIN, my contractions were mild but consistently 3 minutes apart until they made the pain stop
– But when the doctor checked I was dilated <1cm
– There’s no reason to think I will be induced for any reason since besides the (harmless to the baby) kidney stones I am in excellent health
– Anywhere between 38-42 weeks is considered normal
– I am going to do everything possible to NOT spend Christmas Day in the hospital, so if that means holding my knees together while we open gifts so be it

Any questions? I have an OB appointment today but it’s pants-on so I doubt I’ll have any new info. My follow up with the urologist (where he’s going to do something incredibly unpleasant and OMG I can’t even think about it right now) is Wednesday and if THAT changes anything I’ll update this post then too. I’m not going to close the comments but dudes, they’re timestamped, so if you guess AFTER I send out “I had the baby!” tweets/texts/Facebook updates you’re disqualified.

In the words of Little Evan: ‘Eady? GO!!

Here’s how I was supposed to spend Thanksgiving:
Wake up at 3 am on Wednesday, whine for the whole 9 hour drive to Ohio about how uncomfortable I was, eat an enormous amount of pie, complain that E was playing WoW while the wominz had to mind the child, do a little Black Friday Shopping, eat some Chick-fil-a, whine about the 9 hour drive home, have a really nice time even after all the complaining.

Here’s how I spent my Thanksgiving instead:
Tuesday night before I went to bed I suddenly got a horrible stabbing pain on the right side of my back. After asking Dr. Google for advice, I chugged water and cranberry juice for a few hours, only to throw it all up because I was in so much pain. Called my OB’s answering service, Man Doctor on call said if it wasn’t contractions (it wasn’t) it was a pulled muscle so I should try putting heat on it and taking more Tylenol. I spent the entire night wandering around the house moaning and being miserable. When E woke up at 3 am I told him we could either go to Ohio the next day or he could go without me, because there was NO FRICKING WAY I was getting in a car until I felt better. At 7 am I gave up on waiting for office hours and called Man Doctor back to warn him I was coming into L&D. When I got there, they hooked me up to the monitors and said “oh look, contractions! and you said you were throwing up? definitely a pulled muscle.” Luckily the treatment for my “pulled muscle” was a lovely dose of morphine so I immediately passed out and when I woke up Man Doctor was gone and Lady Doctor was here. She decided maybe an ultrasound to check my kidneys would be a good idea. Turns out I have about a zillion kidney stones and I am not a crazy person who just cries over a pulled back muscle but instead someone in an enormous amount of agony with a condition that required immediate treatment as well as more procedures post-baby. The urologist decided he could take out the one causing me pain first thing in the morning. So Thanksgiving morning I was strapped down to a table in surgery, given a spinal and *you’re probably enjoying your pie right now so I’ll skip the rest*. By 11am I was back in my room and once again in possession of my iPhone charger (never ever ever go to the hospital for any reason without: phone charger, toothbrush.) By 2 pm I was free of tubes and catheters and leg pressure cuffs and just hanging out waiting for another dose of narcotics. Turns out the only good part of kidney stones at 35 weeks pregnant is that the baby is so close to full term I’m allowed to have drugs. Because NO ONE can just “breath through” a kidney stone. At least when you give birth you get a baby at the end to cuddle. I saw the stone they took out and it wasn’t very cute at all. Now I am just stuck here until they give me a couple more doses of antibiotics and write a prescription for a painkiller for me to take home. Because, oh, did I forget that part? They had to leave a stint in my ureter to keep it from swelling shut, so my pain has decreased about 60% but isn’t going away for at least another week – when they have to take the stint out again.

So to sum up: no road trip, no pie, no time with family, no turkey, extreme pain, slightly terrifying surgery, and one more night in the hospital to go.

I should win some sort of Thanksgiving do-over contest, right? Or at least maybe a pie. Good news is that Baby Sandy is taking it all like a champ, not the slightest hint she cares about mama’s kidney stones. Sadly, Little Evan hates being here so I haven’t gotten to see him much (because really, how much fun is it to have you baby scream for dada and run away when you try to hug him? Not fun. Good way to turn into a sobbing mess.)

I hope your Thanksgiving is going much better and even if you’re trapped at your crazy aunt’s house choking down burnt turkey at least no one has stuck anything up your pee-hole today.

Apologies for my inability to stick with a tense or person for that whole post. Writing from my iPhone is hard.

Since this was a second baby shower, I wanted it to be more like a kid-friendly tea party than a traditional guess-how-big-Mama’s-belly-is/gift bingo/grown up shower. I also wanted it to be girly but not princessy, cute but not over the top, and to involve lots and lots AND LOTS of food. I actually stumbled into a nursery rhyme theme after reading Little Evan his favorite Mother Goose book for the bazillionth time (he specifically requests the “this little piggy” and “one, two, buckle my shoe” pages because they involve being tickled at the end). “Boy,” I thought to myself, “there sure are a lot of baked goods in these nursery rhymes!”

And thus a theme was born.

I thought it would be super easy to just pick up some Mother Goose craft paper & fabric, grab a couple books from my shelf and be done with it but it turns out nursery rhymes are soooo 1900’s and not very popular anymore so I had to improvise. But it all ended up coming together really well and only involved three trips to the craft store and two to Target with a day of online shopping thrown in for fun.

(click on collages to see them bigger – I know a lot of stuff is kind of too small to read but trust me, it’s better than posting them all individually)

Decorations:

Adorable book-themed invites from Tiny Prints (free tip: ask around Twitter for discount codes – sometimes people give them to you and the invitations you thought were too expensive end up being just right.)

Baby Girl diaper cake done by the VERY talented Joanna of Raising Madison. She was a doll to work with and even made the cake fit my theme with the Farmer in the Dell animals.

Collection of geese (aka ducks I just called geese) on the mantle from Goodwill.

I found the adorable customizable pennants and gift tags in hedgehogstudio’s shop on Etsy for only $5. I used the pennants (printed in 2 different sizes) to make “Welcome!” banners and one over the mantle that says “Rock-a-bye Baby”. I used the gift tags as book marks for the nursery rhyme books I passed out as favors – an INCREDIBLY lucky find in the $1 bin at Target.

My original plan to just scan in pictures of each nursery rhyme from vintage books was cut short when I realized that probably broke about a zillion copyright laws and after a few minutes of trying to find public domain images I was ready to give up. Luckily, Etsy saved the day again with 20 2×2 vintage nursery rhyme illustrations for only $2.50. I cut them out & glued them to ribbon to hang behind the food table and attached the ones that matched the food to the food labels.

The tablecloths are all fabric ordered from Fabric.com.

The sparkly butterflies were in the 80% off Halloween clearance at Michael’s.

Yarn wreath made by me: it’s yarn scraps wrapped around a styrofoam form. Easiest thing ever – but REALLY time consuming to wrap all that yarn.

The blessing tree was an idea I saw mentioned on Ohdeedoh a few weeks ago and stuck with me – I used the same small book of craft paper (called Nana’s Nursery, bought at Joann’s) for the hanging tags on the tree as for the food labels and the backing on the nursery rhymes I scattered around as decorations.

The books on the mantel are a combination of my own from when I was a kid, my mom’s from when SHE was a kid, a few I found at Goodwill and one special moving-picture book I bought especially for Baby Sandy.

The children loved the coloring book pages I found online and printed out, along with my box of 200 crayons. Many of them took their beautiful creations home as souvenirs.

And I just can’t go without pointing out the tea and the plates/napkins are in (a tisket a tasket) green and yellow baskets. MY THEME WAS SO COHESIVE.

Food:

Menu:

Little Jack Horner Thumb Print Cookies (declared the most delicious thumb print cookies ever by all my guests & made by E so obviously not super hard – I think the secret was we used boysenberry jam because I couldn’t find plum – recipe here)

Little Boy Blueberry Muffins (recipe from Tasty Kitchen – also made by E & his dad and also DELICIOUS)

Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater Pumpkin Cookies (recipe from Amy @ A Good Life)

That’s What Little Girls Are Made of Sugar Cookies (bought the nursery rhyme cookie cutters on Ebay)

This Little Piggy Had Roast Beef Sandwiches

This Little Piggy Had None Cucumber Tea Sandwiches

Humpty Dumpty Deviled Eggs

Mary Mary Quite Contrary Garden Veggies

Jack and Jill Went Up The Hill To Fetch a Pail of Watermelon & Fruit

Peter Piper Pickled Peppers

Three Blind Mice Cheese and Crackers

Jack-a-dandy Sugar Candy (aka Smarties & Starlight mints)

Polly Put The Kettle On Tea

Punch and Judy Party Punch

And, because I am AWESOMELY AWESOME, I found a nursery rhyme that included wine: one of the middle verses of Old Mother Hubbard.

Erin (Wedding Erin for those who know what I mean) made this entire cake from scratch – the cake, the frosting, the fondant and the decorations. One layer was strawberry and the other was vanilla that she made with a no-crap actual vanilla bean. It was DELICIOUS. I’ve stuffed myself with cake every day since the shower and we STILL have some left over. I’m totally blaming Erin when my doctor announces I’ve gained 15 pounds at my next appointment.

Friends (really the very best friends anyone could ask for):

More than half the photos (and all the good ones) taken by Erin of Open Shutter Photography. She’s not only my BFF, she’s INCREDIBLY talented with both her camera and Photoshop and can make even a 35 week pregnant Sasquatch look pretty adorable. (You can like her on Facebook here)

Exhibit A:

Headband from TwentyFiveDesign, sweater is at Target RIGHT NOW (not even maternity)

Thank you again bunches and bunches and bunches to The Erins, my in-laws, and my friends who came. I hope you all had as much fun as I did. Oh and if you ever want to pay me gobs of money (or let me SPEND gobs of your money) to plan a party, just let me know. I’m available.

If you’ve read all the way to the end of this, you deserve a piece of cake. Come over and I will TOTALLY give you one right now.

If you’ve ever read my blog before, you might have noticed I sort of like planning and organizing small intimate casual parties for my kid or my friends.

So I decided to follow in the footsteps of my friend Audrey and throw a Baby Celebration Party for Baby Girl. Not a shower, because throwing yourself a party where you basically say “OH HAI, BRING ME PRESENTS” is unnecessary and kind of rude for a second baby (in my opinion), but I still wanted my daughter to know her pending arrival was just as exciting and celebration-worthy as her brother’s.

Of course, being 35 weeks pregnant AND the mother of a toddler is fairly exhausting. And the morning of the shower I woke up feeling like death warmed over. Really, seriously, painfully awful (in pregnancy related ways, not in contagious diseases sort of ways) and after rolling sugar cookie dough for only a few minutes I was almost in tears thinking about how much I still had to do before my guests showed up.

THANK GOD my in-laws and two of my very best friends Erin (from the wedding) and Erin (who wrote a guest post for me here and let me post pictures of her kid here) were staying with us for the party, because they – along with my amazing husband – did ALL the work for me. Even the night before the shower when I was still planning to do it myself they helped out stringing pennants and gluing craft paper. And of course Wedding Erin spent a ZILLION HOURS on an amazing – and incredibly delicious – custom themed cake. I, on the other hand, mostly sat in a chair and pointed at things.

(As a side note, I now know E is not only capable of following recipe instructions without my standing over his shoulder, but he can BAKE LIKE A MOFO. The thumb print cookies he made were ridiculously tasty – not a single one left over. He may live to regret letting that slip.)

It was especially nice of my in-laws and The Erins to help after I didn’t have blankets, pillows, food for breakfast or time to clean my rather disgusting bathroom before they got here. I’m not sure there was ever a time I was LESS prepared to have house(or any kind of)guests in my life. I used to be the hostess who not only had guest towels that coordinated with each room’s decor, but little baskets of toiletries, soaps, toothbrushes and tea waiting for them just in case they forgot or needed them. This time I barely got up off the couch to say “Hey thanks for coming!” I didn’t even manage to sort of clean up the new master bedroom before my party guests came over even though I KNEW I would end up giving a tour. So all my friends saw my literal dirty laundry.

As as far as having the new nursery done before the shower? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

So in the end everything was awesomely awesome and I am really glad I decided to shower myself, even if it was a little overwhelming.

Of course, 50% of the reason I even HAD the party was so I could show pictures of my cute theme and decorations here on the blog. I promise to have those up soon. It will be TOTALLY WORTH coming back to check them out. That is, if you like that sort of thing. I apologize in advance for about a gazillion pictures if you don’t.