This is what my house is like on a daily basis. I think 3,ooo women screaming in excitement and pounding music all in one ballroom will be a nice rest for my ears.

This isn’t a post about going to BlogHer (although I AM leaving to GO to BlogHer so if you’re as annoyed at all the conference talk as I was last year you can skip it – or just go read that post). This is about whether or not leaving my kids – especially Caroline – with my husband for three days is something I can handle. I also apologize if this is the bazillionth time you’ve heard me talk about this, because I’ve been word-vomiting all over everyone for weeks anytime any subject even remotely related comes up.

I asked for similar last year and got lots of reassurance that going to a bridal shower without my 15 month old didn’t make me a terrible mother. Then a month later I left him again for The Creative Connection Conference…and again he survived. Since then, I’ve even managed to leave him in the care of other people who are not his father (although never for a weekend) and he’s a total champ about it.

But that first time I left? Little Evan was 15 months and done nursing. Caroline is going to be just short of 8 months old and still totally addicted to the boob. So addicted, in fact, that besides the one bottle she took at a few weeks old (when I foolishly declared “Yah! She takes a bottle!” and then stopped offering them. Idiot, party of one) she gets all her milk straight from the tap. I have tried every suggestion the internet has for bottle/cup/spoon/sippy feeding but I think the only thing that’s going to work is me being completely unavailable and her being extremely hungry. So I just have to…leave. And let E deal with it. Or find some poor sap and pay them a bucketload of money to do it for us.

I suspect there is going to be the kind of crazy inconsolable screaming that makes parents genuinely those their minds, and although E is a little less sensitive to it than I am I cannot help but feel like the world’s biggest jerk for (sort of) intentionally creating that situation. What if she screams the WHOLE TIME? What if she never does take a bottle? What if she gets so dehydrated she makes herself ill and E has to take her to the ER and the doctor says “Oh, did your wife die?” and E says “No she went to San Diego to talk about blogging and party” and I end up on Dateline as the Worst Mother In The World?

Part of me realizes there is nothing FAIR about being a parent. Someone is always going to feel like they are doing MORE, and in general we take turns being that person. But this isn’t about whose turn it is to unload the dishwasher. This is about – forgive me if this seems a little overdramatic, I am feeling VERY OVERDRAMATIC – intentionally making Caroline miserable, ruining a baby’s sense of security and happiness and leaving my responsibilities with someone else.

(And hundreds of working moms just decided to slap me right in my face if they see it at BlogHer. Please understand that is NOT what I mean. I’m worried because I am upsetting my own personal status quo for what is basically a girl’s weekend, not making a general sweeping statement about leaving babies for any reason.)

I suppose I could bring her. Lots of people bring their babies. It’s not unheard of. Since all of my roommates are moms -plus one of my roommates is pregnant and one is leaving her own nursing baby at home – I’m sure they would understand. She’s an incredibly easy going baby (BESIDES THE BOTTLE THING) and loves people and would probably have a great time distracting me from the sessions and making me whip my boob out in front of all my blogging idols.

So there it is. I don’t WANT to bring my baby to BlogHer. I’ve been looking forward to this mommy-gets-a-break time for more than 2 years and nothing would ruin that faster than 20 hours of travel time in 4 days with a baby in tow. I want to wear real bras that hold my chest up and dresses and high heels. I want to have TWO glasses of wine and not feel like I’m abusing my child. I want to be awake at 2 am because I WANT TO BE, not because a baby needs me.

That sounds SO SELFISH, right? What kind of mother thinks that? It’s not Caroline’s fault she loves me and needs me, she’s a freakin’ BABY. And like my husband keeps pointing out, BlogHer will be there next year. This is not my LAST CHANCE IN THE WORLD to go have fun with my interwebs friends. But at this point it’s too late to not go at all without being out a big chunk of change and letting down at least one person I was looking forward to meeting in person.

I would never have even bought a ticket if I knew Caroline was going to be just as stubborn about the bottles as her brother. But now it’s down to the wire and I’m so stressed about it I am literally making myself sick.

Seriously, what do I do?

I am a sucker for crafty, homemade, small business, or handmade stuff. There is a reason my Paypal balance never stays positive for more than a few days. Here are some of my most recent purchases (plus a one-of-a-kind gift from a friend that is going to make you squee with cuteness). If you have a baby, are expecting a baby, know someone having a baby or just love heandbands, this will be very very bad for your wallet.

Don't even think about taking my animal crackers

Diaper clutch

How much do you love that fabric? LOVE. I won a store credit from Bird E Studios last year and spent it on a gorgeous baby blanket with this print on it. The quality was outstanding and I liked it so much I asked Erika if she could make me a matching bib and diaper clutch. She did – but the post office lost them somewhere between the West Coast and the East Coast. When I mentioned it to Erika she sent me replacement items and told me if the other ones showed up I should just give them to someone as a gift. Is that great customer service or what?! (Sadly, they never did show up. Stupid post office.)

Bebeh shoes

Have you signed up for Heartsy? I heart Heartsy. It’s like Groupon, but for Etsy shops. If you sign up here, you get a $5 credit after your first purchase (also, I get a $5 credit so go do that, OK?) I bought a gift certificate for $9 to Weepereas and got $24 to spend in the shop, which covered a pair of adorable reversible baby shoes, plus the shipping. These have TINY SHEEP on one side and little blue circles on the other. Perfect soft shoes for Caroline.

There are TWO things I love in this photo. Three if you count Caroline. The super cute crochet turtle was a gift from my friend Ashley (it MIGHT have been for Little Evan, but don’t tell the baby. She loooves it). Ashley has a shop on Etsy or check out her Facebook page for more crocheted dolls and animals.

Second is the headband I bought Caroline for my sister-in-law’s wedding from Audry & Ulric. Can’t beat the extremely reasonable prices and free shipping. I think I’m going to buy the sunflower or the water lily ones next.

Despite The Face, she does love her Giddy Up and Grow headbands. Or maybe I’m projecting because they are seriously amazing – the details are like art. I showed the site to my friend Megan right after I ordered this one…and she bought 2 of her own immediately. They’re impossible to resist!

Allora Handmade headband, obviously. It looks fantastic with her vintage pinnafore. How much do I love dressing her in something called a pinafore? SO MUCH.

And do you see what she’s gnawing on? That right there is the best handmade baby gift EVER:

Flat Chicken. My internet friend Audrey invented the pattern from her own head. It’s seriously genius – Caroline loves the silky ribbon tail and the bumpy comb and the pointy feet for chewing. I brought it with us to a doctor’s checkup and our nurse would NOT STOP gushing over it. She eventually asked if she could take a picture to try and recreate one for her daughter. So Audrey, OBVIOUSLY you need to make these available to people besides me.

And last but not least, my darling Emily from Uff Da Deigns made the beautiful baby dress and those adorable felt flowers, which are actually clippies attached to a stretchy headband. Super useful now when Caroline’s hair is still too fine for barrettes but they’ll be useable for years and years (and can also be borrowed by mamas who love felt flowers too). The trio flower clips are coming to the Etsy shop soon, but because I *might* be her best customer, Emily made me a couple already. Is there ANYTHING she makes that I don’t love? (Answer: NO).

Have you ordered anything yet? Don’t worry, I’ll do this again in the next couple weeks with non-baby related stuff for my non-mom friends. I’m an addict. It’s cool.

Blah de blah hopefully unnecessary disclosure because you KNOW always honest with you: I bought all this crap with my own cash money and/or got them as legit gifts from friends who had no idea I was going to blog their crafty talents. I’m just sharing because I like sharing.

Thank you Old Navy for sponsoring my post today about baby and toddler styles. Old Navy is giving you 30% off everything in their baby and toddler summer collection, plus get an additional 15% off in-store.

After dressing a boy for almost 2 years, I have to say I was really really looking forward to blowing a zillion dollars on dresses and pink and butt ruffles and tiny adorable shoes. I maaaaaay even have started buying little girl clothes while I was still pregnant with Baby Evan – you know, just in case the doctors were wrong.

And then I got pregnant with Caroline and was totally stopped in my tracks. One tiny corner of baby girl’s closet holds those few things I bought before she was even a twinkle in my eye…and the rest is STUFFED WITH STUFF. Stuff that didn’t cost me a dime.

One word: Hand-me-downs.

Wait, is that three words? Whatevs. My point is Caroline could wear a different outfit for the first 365 days of her life without a single repeat. As far as dress clothes go? Girl is set until she’s at least 6. It seemed like everyone I know was suddenly trying to unload adorable, barely worn baby clothes.

And the best part about dressing a baby? She has no opinion! I can put her in anything I want! It’s like having a tiny living doll! Wait that sounds totally creepy and insane! Exclamation point!!!

But even though 80% of her clothes are pre-loved, I try to mix in special handmade or vintage pieces so she doesn’t feel so…second childy. Not that at FIVE MONTHS OLD she’s going to get a complex or something, but it eases some of my maybe-I-don’t-treat-her-special-enough-because-I’m-so-busy-with-the-toddler guilt. I have issues, but at least they’re the kind of issues that lead to adorable baby outfits.

There’s her easy to throw on for a last minute special playdate look:

Leggings knit by me!

There’s her cool 70’s style look:

Vintage pinnafore from my own baby-hood

There’s her spring wedding look:

Shrug knit by me, booties knit by my friend Jenny

There’s her chilling around the house look:

Vintage koala overalls from my own baby-hood (possibly the cutest picture of Caroline EVER)

There’s her summer playground look (pants are great for swinging!):

Handmade felt headband by Giddy Up and Grow

And this is what she was actually wearing today after I finally got her out of PJ’s:

Rosette headband by Allora Handmade, blue skirt by Uff Da Designs

I was selected for this sponsorship by the Clever Girls Collective, which endorses Blog With Integrity, as I do.

I yelled at my husband yesterday, in the Taco Bell drivethru.

Not my finest moment. But it’s ok, I’m starting a new diet tomorrow. Oh and the yelling was sort of unnecessary too.

But sometimes I wonder if he will EVER understand what my days are like while he’s at work talking to people who know how to wipe their own butts and don’t smack him in the face when they have a difference of opinion.

We were at Taco Bell and I was making E read all the menu choices out loud, because a) the writing is TINY b) I was in the passenger seat and it’s an awkward angle for seeing the board and c) I always hope they’ll have something new I haven’t heard of before that might delicious instead of ground mystery meat covered in fake cheese sauce. What can I say, I’m an optimist. E was getting frustrated with my squinting and my indecision and in his most exasperated tone said, “If you can’t read the board, WEAR YOUR GLASSES.”

FIRST of all, we have this discussion at least once a week. My glasses are scratched enough to be mostly unusable. My older, slightly wrong prescription glasses give me a headache. My even older, extremely wrong prescription glasses don’t help at all.

SECOND of all, I don’t have an eye doctor here, and I need to see one for a new prescription before I blow any money on new lenses and frames. But seeing a doctor takes free time and there seems to be a shortage of that in my life.

THIRD of all, my eyes aren’t actually that bad. I passed my driver’s exam without the glasses so I don’t HAVE to wear them. I just squint a lot and can’t read medium-small words on the tv.

But the argument isn’t really about whether or not I NEED the glasses – because if I am honest with myself I do, and ought to wear them regularly – it’s how my ability to GET the glasses is hampered by wrangling two children all day. It makes everything HARDER and he doesn’t understand.

E thinks that because he’s capable of caring for both kids in the house doing it elsewhere would be almost the same.* AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Do you know what happens in public? ANYTHING. Anything happens in public. Dogs the toddler can’t touch. Wind that blows on the baby in a way that makes her scream with anger. Food that belongs to people who don’t feel like sharing. Poopsploded diapers and nowhere to change them. POWER OUTLETS. DIRT. TRAFFIC. YELLING. STRANGERS TO JUDGE YOU. And no where safe to just leave the kids while you walk away for a minute and regain your composure.

Take the post office for example. Our post office is a NIGHTMARE – no parking, giant stone steps, no ramps for strollers (or handicapped people for that matter – I’m sure they’re violating about a zillion Americans with Disabilities Act provisions). I was in a town with a better post office so I decided to go there. I park somewhere out of the way so we’re not in the busiest part of the lot. Open the toddler’s door. Unstrap toddler. Fight with toddler about holding hands in the dangerous parking lot. Pick up screaming toddler. Walk around van. Open baby’s door. Pin toddler against the van with my knee while using both hands to get the baby seat out. Get slammed in the shoulder by the auto-closing door the toddler has activated. Hold baby seat in one hand and drag toddler with the other to the building. Fight with toddler about who gets to open the door even though it is too heavy for him. Herd toddler into line. Get out of line to prevent toddler from doors to the mail room. Feel like a terrible parent as he slams his head against a counter because he’s angry. Mail packages. Repeat in reverse back to the car. And I consider that a SUCCESSFUL trip.

E suggested I just use the stroller. All that does is add 10 minutes to a trip that now involves a screaming, thrashing 2 year old and getting stuck in three different sets of doors. It is also impossible for errands that involve: stairs, buying anything bigger than a breadbox, tiny doctor’s offices, places I have not been before and can’t judge for stroller-friendliness beforehand.

Now try that same scenario again only with a doctor’s office full of things Little Evan can’t touch and people who don’t necessarily like children. Oh and depending on the kind of doctor you might get to do it with your pants off. IT IS THE EXTREME OPPOSITE OF FUN and so far down on my list of things I’ll enjoy I’ll take any measures necessary to avoid it. So all my errands and appointments have to be done while E is home AND the offices are open. Not an easy feat.

Because E’s in the military, being healthy is actually PART OF HIS JOB and not only is his medical/dental/eye care provided, they schedule the appointments during work hours and make him go. My bosses aren’t quite so flexible. I don’t have family in the area to leave the kids with. And as much as my friends offer to help, asking them to watch my kids for every appointment would probably get me uninvited to playgroup pretty quick.

How do other people – or people with MORE kids – do this?

Maybe E can just keep reading menu boards for me and I’ll get new glasses when Caroline goes to preschool. In 2015.

*For the record, E is very good at parenting and sharing parenting responsibilities. But without the ability to lactate he can’t comfort and/or feed Caroline so the amount of time I can be away from her in limited. And now I need to write a WHOLE OTHER POST about my expectations of my husband (and men in general) as a father and how I feel both guilty and not at all guilty for asking for help. I need to go back to stupid craft projects before my brain explodes.