The scene: Dunkin Donuts 8 am

Old Man Customer: Do you know what you’re having?
Me: Uh, a bagel?
Old Man Customer: No, I meant the baby.

Yesterday I left this message on E’s voicemail. Note: read in your best Veruca Salt voice.

“Where aaaaaare you? Are you still at work? Are you coming home? I’m really hungry and I want a cheeseburger but it’s raaaaaaining and there’s no gas in the car and it’s cooooold and I don’t want to put on pants. Why don’t you answer your phone? Don’t you love me? I’m nine months pregnant! Bring me a cheeseburger!!!”

E did not bring me a cheeseburger. Instead, he rolled his eyes and called me incredibly needy.

HA. You think this is needy? I speak English and wipe my own butt, buddy. JUST YOU WAIT.

Today, I am officially pardoning all the belly-touchers. I know my bump is totally adorable and very hard to resist. I spend 99% of my time rubbing it, poking it, or resting a hand on it myself, and seeing me do it makes it hard to remember it’s not public domain. At this point, there is a full sized baby in there, so sure, you can feel my belly.

I’ve been really lucky to avoid most unwanted attention up until now. Not working means I only see people on the days I’m prepared to leave the house. The winter weather has meant baggy sweatshirts, big coats and long scarves. Combined with the typical stilted, up tight New Englander attitude almost no one has been rude enough to put their hands on me. The first time I was surrounded by hands-on type people was my baby shower…and I found I didn’t really mind so much. This huge alien tumor baby belly barely feels like my own body at this point so my personal space needs are pretty much gone. So go ahead, poke me. Baby E will poke you right back.

DISCLAIMER: This applies only to me. Don’t you dare touch anyone else, especially the less-pregnant. It took 38 weeks for my belly to be all baby – if you poke someone who’s still got 4 months to go they have every right to bite your hand off. Literally.

Every time I sneeze I think “OMG MY WATER JUST BROKE.”

But really I’m just peeing a little.

Just to be safe I bought a waterproof mattress cover and a warehouse club sized box of heavy duty maxi pads today. God, being pregnant is SO SEXY.

Why are diaper bags so ugly? The choices at Target were Winnie-the-Pooh or pink flowers. Babies R Us has a lot more but they all fell into two categories: incredibly twee and adorable or Dad-bags in manly man colors like black or black or black. For the honor of having about a zillion inner pockets and a removable changing pad you get to pay between $40 and $100 dollars. I ended up with a black and red Eddie Bauer bag that will match my stroller and not offend my husband when I ask him to carry it (since this is my first baby, I still care about things like matching and offending my husband). It looks much more like the messenger bag my 20 year old computer geek brother carries to class than like anything you’d actually keep diapers in. In short, I don’t love it but it’ll do. My need to have it packed and ready to go RIGHT NOW far outweighs my desire to hunt down a cute, affordable hermes birkin bags for sale online.

I actually started packing my own hospital bag about 6 weeks ago. I sort of felt like the more prepared I was the better my chances of not needing it – like when you remember to bring an umbrella it doesn’t rain. Plus I bought some super cute pajamas and a matching robe to wear in the hospital and I had to put them away to keep myself from wearing them right away. I’ve packed all the stuff the baby books suggest, including a dozen granola bars and change for the vending machines so E doesn’t starve to death. But today I added a couple things for me, including some extra-strength water proof mascara. I don’t care if my hair looks like crap and my face is all bloated and my boobs are hanging out…but without mascara I look like a squinty pig and that is not a memory I need captured in the eight million pictures I know will be taken.

Ok Baby, I am officially ready. Go.

Update: Here’s a link for the diaper bag so you can see just how not exciting it really is. I also think the changing pad is really thin but I guess it’s more to protect a surface from the baby than the baby from the surface.