Posts Tagged ‘sad’

My Week(272) in iPhone Photos

Sunday, January 17th, 2016

January is just crawling by. It’s dark. It’s cold. The kids are making me INSANE every second they are home and not involved in a structured activity. They won’t stop torturing each other but they refuse to be separated. I feel so much sympathy for my own mother, since I’m pretty sure I was EXACTLY the same way with my sister as a child.



There was a thunderstorm, so Caroline tried to help Brutus be less scared


Frozen Monopoly


Linc cheering for the Golden Globes





Literally hiding from the whining


Judo time



Babies who are awake at 7 have to come to the cold bus stop


Dentist sunglasses


Thank blankie is the most disgusting thing I have EVER seen.



Loves swim


Love hoodies


I ordered this dress-up from China and it came in less than 2 weeks



Tiny sailor boy in his bunk


So cold, but so snuggly in his fox suit


By Grabthar’s Hammer, you will be missed



Friends let friends eat their extra waffles


Piano lessons


Bored at the very busy grocery store



2 am. Baby screaming in my face while I try to watch Friends. #blessed


Super happy about her baby oranges


OK, I guess comforting his crying sister means he isn’t THAT much of a jerk

I have my first photoshoot of the year tomorrow and there is SNOW on the ground. I don’t know if my clients are super thrilled but I sure am. It’s going to be gorgeous. But cold. Super cold. So I plan to spend the rest of the day (no school!) hiding under a blanket while my husband (no work!) keeps the children from killing each other. Because that is what I do on the days HE has work. I AM REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.


Monday, September 17th, 2012

There’s a post I’ve almost finished in my drafts folder right now that I was going to put up today. It’s long and a little rambling, but basically boils down to “Check me out, I am an awesome mom!”

I will not be posting it.

On Friday, I took the kids to the playground for a playdate with one of Evan’s best friends. We had the same playdate exactly a week earlier, at which Caroline fell off a step and bumped her head. She had a little mark but was fine within seconds, although she told me about her “pay-ound bump” at least 10 times a day.

That is what we call “foreshadowing”. I also call it “Suzanne is too stupid to learn a lesson the universe tried to teach her and her baby pays the price.”

At the playground, Caroline decided she wanted to play with the boys instead of swing. I was glad for the chance to just sit and talk to my friends while the kids ran around. It’s not a huge playground and there were only two other parents there. I laughed when one of the other dads volunteered to help Caroline climb up to the slide – she turned her back on him and said “NO!” as she scrambled up herself. Hahahaha my silly daughter, so independent! I love that I can let her do her own thing! Look at me over here, chatting and checking Facebook!

I’m not exactly sure what happened next. My friend Cheri had walked over to check on the kids and I was replying to a message on my phone when I heard her say “Evan you can’t push Caroline!” I started to get up, snapping “Evan! Don’t push your sister!” like I do at least hundred times a week when I saw Caroline fall backwards off the very top of the 6 foot tall playscape.


She fell flat on her back, or as flat as you can fall when you head is half your body weight. My world divided into two at that moment – my physical actions and things I said out loud versus my racing thoughts and worries and the part of my brain that was so terrified it froze in one long high pitched buzz.

In my head it registered that it was good news that she was crying – it meant she was conscious and breathing.  One of us picked her up, but I can’t remember if Cheri grabbed her and handed her to me or if I sprinted from my picnic table fast enough to scoop her up myself. I stripped off her dress to check for obvious bruises or bleeding or anywhere a bone might be sticking through her skin. No bones, no blood. She was crying pretty badly, but I couldn’t tell if it was a scared cry or a pain cry.

Then my brave, independent girl pushed me away and tried to climb back up to take her turn on the slide. She only made it one step before she started crying even harder, grabbing the front of her throat and saying “neck neck neck!” over and over. My brain started buzzing louder, shouting at me that I never should have picked her up at all and who knows what kind of damage I could have caused to her neck or spine. My body held her gently and walked back to the picnic table to grab my bag so we could go to the hospital. I calmly ordered Evan off the playground and into his car seat. He was not happy about leaving. Thank God Cheri knows my kids well enough to be totally comfortable wrestling the screaming 3 year old into the car while she explained to him that pushing Caroline was naughty and she was hurt so we had to go to the hospital. He was pretty upset and by the time we reached the ER both kids were tear-soaked, not to mention filthy from the playground. I think the second luckiest part of the day was that no one called CPS on me. (In fact, the entire staff was nothing but kind and sympathetic and ready to do anything to help us.)

The luckiest part of the day is that after two CAT scans and a chest X-ray, the pediatric emergency doctor cleared Caroline of a concussion, head injury, or spinal injury. Her lungs are fine, her brain is fine, her speech is still clear. Her collar bone, on the other hand, is not. She broke it on the left side, a clear break on the chest X-ray although from the outside all she has is a tiny bit of swelling.

Unfortunately, there isn’t anything they can do for a 20 month old with a broken collar bone. For the next 4 to 6 weeks her little body is going to spend all its extra energy healing the break and I’m supposed to keep her still and quiet. She is only allowed Motrin or Tylenol for the pain (and all the popsicles she wants).

In the meantime, I get to spend every day of the next 4-6 weeks (and probably the next 40-60 years) thinking about what a crappy mother I am. I let this happen. If I had been right there next to her I could have grabbed her arm. I could have caught her. I could have stopped Evan from pushing before anyone got hurt. Yes, it was an accident, but a more cautious, careful, attentive mother would have stopped it. My “let them do their own thing!” approach means my baby is literally broken. I can’t stop thinking about how lucky I am that she wasn’t injured more seriously – if she’d fallen at just a slightly different angle the results could have been tragic.

I appreciate people trying to make me feel better, but I don’t think I actually deserve to feel better. She could have fallen, even if I was right there. Maybe trying to catch her would have made it worse. But the combination of being distracted by my phone and her breaking a bone is the kind of thing that gets written in newspaper stories filled with words like “negligent”, “unfit”, “irresponsible” and “failure”. I now have definitive proof I’ve been doing this mothering thing wrong, and it’s an X-ray of my tiny little girl’s broken part. My own parts feel almost as broken.

I wasn’t paying enough attention and Caroline got hurt. The end.

Sunshiny Days

Friday, September 7th, 2012

Badge Code:
I stopped taking my Zoloft back in June simply because I ran out. I kept meaning to make a follow up appointment to talk to my doctor about a refill, but as each day went by I felt better and warmer and happier and decided it was as good a time as any to stop. It wasn’t necessarily a smart, well thought out, medically advised decision. There was just so much going on – so many adventures, so many trips, so much SUNSHINE – that I forgot to make the appointment and before I knew it I was too busy to feel sad and frustrated and angry all the time.

It wasn’t an act of God or a miracle that I felt better. My anxiety reached an all-time high when Caroline was about 15 months old, which was exactly when we began weaning. A few people reached out to tell me they had experienced the same crazy hormone fluctuations and depression when they had stopped breastfeeding. It turns out it’s an actual thing, although not something that’s extremely well known.

The Zoloft got me through weaning and over that hormonal bump that made me feel like I was losing my mind. It was like a key and a sliver of light under the door I was banging my head against, trying to figure out how to escape my frustration.

Besides the medication, using hemp flower for anxiety  and the light (sunshine, brightness, longer days) made a huge difference. I used to roll my eyes at people who claimed Seasonal Affective Disorder with their sunlamps and their dread of winter. How can that be a real thing?

My apologies to everyone who I ever secretly thought was making it up, since there is no doubt in my mind that the short dark days played a huge part in my anxiety.

Maybe it’s an actual vitamin D deficiency or maybe it’s a feeling-the-sunshine-on-my-skin-makes-me-happy deficiency, but when the days warm up and we spend more time outside I am always better. A better mom, a better wife, a better person. The lightness makes me lighter.

With Labor Day weekend behind us the evenings getting shorter by the day and I’m starting to worry a little bit. September and October are beautiful, fun-filled months for us in New England. There’s still plenty of time to spend outside, plenty of apples to be picked, the perfect pumpkins to find for jack-o-lanterns, hay mazes to explore.

But beyond that, there’s winter. Cold. Dark. The stress of the holidays. Although December might be my very favorite month now (Caroline’s birthday AND Christmas!) there’s no doubt trying to split up family time and E’s crazy work schedule and weather-related delays and cancellations and ruined travel plans can crush my festive spirit pretty quickly. I’m feeling a little stressed just thinking about it. And the heating bill. And the snow. And now my eye is twitching.

I’m thinking I should probably go ahead and make an appointment now to talk to my doctor, rather than waiting until I get overwhelmed and the thought of adding one more thing to my plate makes me want to just curl up under the covers and cry. I don’t necessarily want to restart the Zoloft (or anything else) now. I’d like to be prescription free when we start trying for baby #3 if possible, although I’m also a little worried pregnancy could do what weaning did and things might get out of control again quickly. But I think it’s a good door to have open.

So for now I’m floating through the end of summer, mindful of what’s coming but not letting it overshadow these beautiful days. This weekend is the best weekend of the year around here (Greek Festival and Italian Food Festival within walking distance, town fair in our old town) and my biggest problem is we have too many friends to hang out with. It’s a pleasant kind of busy-ness, rather than the overwhelming kind. Let’s hope I can recognize the difference if and when it comes and know enough to ask for help.

I feel like this cat knows everything I wish I did about life.

My Week(66) in iPhone Photos

Saturday, February 4th, 2012

As if the rest of my posts this week haven’t made it obvious, life’s been kind of stressful lately, with “kind of” meaning “I’m considering buying my wine by the case instead of just the box”. Except that wine has too many points so I’ve been binging on grapes and broccoli. It is highly unsatisfying.


Caroline refused to drop her truck even while she was nursing.

Because what I need right now is MORE living things acting needy.



Don't even THINK about trying to help her.

He's replaced actual at-home naps with 5 minute car naps.

I put in my headphones and cleaned, including this COMPLETELY filthy mirror


Obsessed with baby dolls.

Despondent dinosaur is despondent

It's much easier to control two kids at Target when you give one of them to someone else to deal with.

Life is SO UNFAIR when your mother dresses you in leggings.


Let me tell you a horror story. Once upon a time there was a teething baby who screamed ALL THE TIME! Ahhhhh!

First gymnastics class! Some of the moms were a little...intense when it came to their TWO YEAR OLDS but we liked it.

Oh good, I was worried about nuclear fallout.

Outside in January, enjoying the 60 degree weather before the ice caps all melt and drown us.


10 am nap from ALL THE CRYING.

Stripey legs

And then THIS ONE fell asleep on the floor and refused to wake up. Even after Caroline jumped on his head.


You'd think I don't feed this kid, what with the trying to eat his stroller.

I am smiling because Stroller Strides is over.

More floor naps. I took the hint and on Saturday he got a real nap.


The reason ALL MY PICTURES this week are of sleeping kids is because it was the only time they weren't covered in snot and screaming.

Even the packed grocery store was a nice change from the angry babies.

"Oh I see now Daddy! You fly on the dragon to defeat the wizard because you're a HUGE DORK. Got it!"

Besides these weekly iPhone round-ups I’m doing the monthly photo-a-day challenge from Fat Mum Slim. I’m posting them on Instagram (my user name is bebehblog, let’s be friends!) but all my IG photos are also on my Flikr page – you can get there using the button over there in the left sidebar <———- because my mom would be really mad if I took pictures of her grandkids and DIDN’T let her see them.

Tomorrow we’re going to a Superbowl party where we will eat a bunch of food and probably come home before the game even starts so the kids can go to bed and I can put on stretchy pants. Go Patriots!

Did you take any camera phone photos this week? Link up with one or lots using the linky below and grab the code (so it shows on your blog too!) over at Amy’s . It’s really fun!

Thankful Day 10: Things that don’t suck

Thursday, November 10th, 2011

Yesterday was a perfect example of why I am trying to focus on things I am thankful for this month, instead of spiraling into my dark hole of hatred and rage just because things don’t go my way.

Of course, having your grandfather die and then getting sued aren’t exactly small potatoes in the “things not going my way” category. But I’m going to start with the thankful parts.

I am thankful that my husband has a stable job and can support our family. I am thankful Little Evan wore underwear ALL DAY (in public and during nap!) without a single accident. I am also thankful he understands sad faces and did his very best to cheer me up with hugs and kisses until my face was happy again. I am especially thankful for Motrin and Oreos.

So now, the stuff that sucks. My mom’s dad has been in assisted living, then memory care, then a nursing home for a really long time now so his passing wasn’t a surprise. Alzheimers is a terrible disease. He was such a terrific Grandpa when we were growing up – he always worked so hard to make sure we had a good time when we came to visit. We called him “Tricky Grandpa” and his favorite joke was giving “fisherman’s handshakes”, where he’d grab your hand and wiggle it and reel you in. He was still giving them a couple years ago when we took Little Evan up to meet him, even though he didn’t really understand who he was.

My mother’s family doesn’t do funerals, which is kind of a relief (traveling alone with 2 kids sounds like a nightmare even though I would absolutely do it) but until we have his memorial service (probably in the spring) I won’t really get to say goodbye. So instead I’ll focus on some of the very best memories of my childhood.

My siblings & I with Grandma & Grandpa at their cottage

AND THEN. I came home yesterday morning and discovered papers stuck in my front door that said I was being sued because I am a terrible, horrible, negligent person who caused all sorts of damages and pain and suffering when I crashed my minivan into someone’s car. Except that NEVER HAPPENED. More than a year ago I was in a fender bender in a basketball court that was being used as a parking lot for our polling place. I had put the van in reverse and was drifting backwards slowly (it was a crazy scene with tons of pedestrians) so a truck a few feet to my left could get out of his parking spot. The driver suing me backed up out of HIS parking spot at the same time (except faster, with his foot on the gas) and my back bumper dented his back driver’s side panel. We exchanged insurance info and left – because it was such a TINY THING no one wanted to call the police – and after we both gave our statements to both carriers they BOTH DECIDED I wasn’t at fault. Since I was in a lane of traffic and he was backing out of a space, he had the greater responsibility to not back into my way. I thought it was over.

Now he says I owe him $15,000. Seriously.

In the paperwork from the lawyer, it specifically says I was the one backing out of a parking space. How can someone just lie like that?! Especially after I’m sure he made statements to the insurance company saying that wasn’t the case. It sounds to me like some ambulance-chasing law firm told him he had a case (although the damage to his car couldn’t possible have cost more than a couple hundred bucks to fix and was entirely cosmetic so I have no idea why he even CALLED a lawyer) and they had to change the story to file it.

Angry doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel.

After a few frantic hours on the internet, the state’s legal site and a couple emails, it looks like my insurance company is going to reopen the case and represent me. (True fact: I had no idea they did that. I had already figured out how to file the Appearance paperwork with the court, printed it, filled it out and was putting the kids in the car when my agent told me they would help. I was all set to represent myself, Elle Woods style. I object!!) I have no idea what happens now and no idea if I will have to go to court and testify. As much of a hassle as it would be, I would LOVE to get up and show his lawyer my photos (because yeah, I went back the next day and took a dozen photos of the location AND a dozen photos of my car, all timestamped, so you can see the complete lack of damage because I am smart. Lawyered!) and also point out that since the insurance company said it was HIS fault perhaps I should be suing, seeing as how I was 7 months pregnant at the time and gee, my back is starting to act up.

And now I am thankful I have somewhere to get all that off my chest, because bottling up my rage was giving me a migraine.