Baby Evan is almost 11 months old and still does not eat anything. I’m getting to the point where – although what my obviously happy, healthy kid eats is NONE OF THEIR DAMN BUSINESS – people have started giving me funny looks when I turn down children’s menus and offers to “just let him try a little bit.” (Actual conversation with E’s boss at Christmas party – Boss: Oh, we didn’t plan any food for the baby. E: That’s ok, we brought food. Boss: What, like a bottle or something? E: …Or something.) It’s hard to explain to strangers that although Baby Evan will literally run across a room to grab the food from your hand, it’s gonna come right back out as soon as it hits his tongue.  All of my pockets are full of mushed up pieces of Cheerio the baby spit out and I had to pick up because I am not a jerk who leaves drooly bits of cereal all over the play area/pediatrician’s office/Target/your shirt. I’m also afraid people are starting to suspect I’m doing this on purpose, like some sort of extended breastfeeding Nazi who won’t let her kid eat any solid foods because I think BREAST IS SO MUCH THE BEST that everything else is unnecessary. “Anything?” people ask when I tell them he doesn’t eat, “Really? Have you tried Cheerios? My kid loves Cheerios. How about apple slices/Popsicles/mac and cheese/chicken nuggets/a whole turkey leg?” No, I say, not anything. But thanks.

I did talk to a nutritionist (also known as my friend Megan’s mom) about Baby Evan’s strange dietary habits and she assured me we were still well within the realm of normal child behavior.  She had plenty of stories of kids – her own included – who didn’t eat anything until 14, 15, 16 months. After looking over the list of foods that have gone over pretty well versus the list of total failures, we decided it was a texture things as well as an independence thing. Mushy food on a spoon is AWFUL. Crunchy things or anything he could potentially choke on are OK. Things he can chew with his many sharp little teeth are best. My plan of action is to just keep offering food – some food, any food, all food – until we find something that he’ll swallow, and work on “balanced and nutritionally sound” later.

Foods he hates even more than I hate Katy Perry
Oatmeal
Rice cereal
Baby food
Applesauce
Things eaten with a spoon
Pureed anything

Foods he almost ate once
Bacon
Avocado
Mango
Celery sticks
Carrot sticks
Banana nut Cheerios
Peas from some sort of Gerber baby stew meal
Yogurt
Grapes
Salmon
Hummus
Soybeans in their pods
Pasta

Foods almost worth feeding
Puffs
Teething biscuits
French fries
Conversation hearts Valentine candy

Foods he eats enough of to provide nutrition
None

Thanks God I got the hang of this breastfeeding thing. Hey at least it’s cheap, easy and always available.

At our Friday playgroup a few weeks ago, Miss Amy let all the kids explore IN and OUT and THROUGH using a play tunnel. At least, she tried to let all the kids use the tunnel, but once mine got over his initial fear he spent the whole hour climbing back and forth trying to keep everyone else out. He would speed-crawl right to whatever end a kid was trying to enter through and sit on his massive thighs, silently saying “MY TUNNEL MINE MINE MINE”.

A good mother would have used that opportunity to teach Baby Evan the importance of sharing and taking turns and how good it feels when we can all play nicely together.

Me? I just bought him his own damn tunnel.

P.S. HE SAID BALL. AND KNEW WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT. “Bal bal bal bal bal bal” and then he goes looking for a ball. Not like “ma ma ma ma ma ma” when he goes looking for some lint to chew on. BALL is officially his first word.

– One of Baby Evan’s favorite games is called “Try to grab the dog’s junk”. The dog almost always loses this game. I usually just laugh.

– When we’re having a really difficult nap time, sometimes I yell “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE GO TO SLEEP CHILD!” really loud…and he almost always goes right to sleep.

– Things I’ve used to wipe the baby’s nose include: my sleeve, his sleeve, his sock, anything I can grab from the dirty laundry basket, stuffed toys, felt at the craft store, paper towels, cloth diapers. Almost never used: tissues.

– When the baby’s nails get really long and he scratches himself I feel bad. When he starts scratching ME I pin him down and finally trim them.

– Anytime Baby Evan is awake I stare at the dirty dishes and the unmopped floor and the laundry to be folded and think about how much I could be getting done if he would leave me alone. And yet, every time he goes down for a nap I manage to waste the whole time on Twitter/email/knitting/USWeekly/picking my nose.

– I cleaned the rug my child plays on for the first time today. I shook TWO CUPS of dirt out…after I had already vacuumed.

– Baby Evan has fallen on his head approximately 3 billion times in the past two months and I have yet to call the doctor. No blood, no loss of consciousness, and yet somehow I feel like a good mother would be much more concerned.

– I am secretly and silently smug that my son is walking at 10 months because it reinforces my belief he’s a genius although I try really really hard not to bring it up unless someone asks. No one likes Smug Mommy.

– I do not check all our toys for safety and lead content online and have been known to allow my kid to chew on plastic rubber duckies made in China. I figure it’s better than his favorite thing to chew on – Mountain Dew cans.

– None of this stuff keeps me up at night.

And now back to your regularly scheduled update.

10 Month Milestone Chart from BabyCenter

Mastered Skills (most kids can do)
• Waves goodbye – he waves all the time, but I’m not sure he means “byebye”
• Picks things up with pincer grasp – Yes
• Crawls well, with belly off the ground – Yes, at a speed that can only be described as wicked fast.

Emerging Skills (half of kids can do)
• Says “mama” and “dada” to the correct parent – He’s definitely called me mama, but he’s also called the dog and a water bottle mama. And sometimes he calls me “baba”. I haven’t heard him get dada right yet, although if I tell him “Dada’s home!” he crawls to the door.
• Indicates wants with gestures – He knows the sign for “milk” and reaches for things, but no pointing.

Advanced Skills (a few kids can do)
• Stands alone for a couple of seconds – Stands all the time. Cruises constantly. Walks 10-12 independent steps several times an hour, although he only really started that in the past two days.
• Puts objects into a container – He put his new Sophie in a pot yesterday. I think he wanted some giraffe soup. Which I would totally give him if I knew where to get some giraffe.

So to sum up, motor skills and physical development are great and a little ahead of the curve. Mental and verbal development are decidedly average. Personality is still very happy and easy going 90% of the time and angry hell-demon the other 10%, but I still think he’s the best baby in the world.

I think the reason babies are born helpless and wordless and unable to sass back is to give new parents a chance to practice their patience before they’re required to actually PARENT. When you come home with an infant you quickly learn important baby-care skills such as how to get dressed while holding a baby in one arm, reading lips on tv because the baby is sleeping and you don’t want to risk turning up the volume, and taking 30 second showers. But Baby Bootcamp lasts only a few months and doesn’t include what to do when your child steals a toy from someone else’s child and then smacks them in the head with it. And then laughs. That requires discipline, something I am definitely still learning.

Yesterday at play group Baby Evan had a pushing incident with one of his friends. Shockingly, he was the victim instead of the aggressor but it’s only a matter of time before Babyzilla attacks become an international concern.

(Recreation of said incident:)

I’m very lucky that watching the moms I know with their kids is like taking a master class in patient parenting. They say stuff like “let’s make a good decision” and “what do you think will be the consequences of your actions?” and “put your eyes on my eyes while I’m talking to you”. I was secretly laughing at that kind of talk – does a 2 year old really understand consequences? – until the 2 year old understood the consequences. And another kid shared all her toys nicely. And no one screamed when Baby Evan stole their sippy cup (because my child is the worst behaved one) (mostly because he’s only 9 months old) (we’re working on it).

I’m hoping both the good parenting and the good behavior will start to rub off on us. Nobody wants to be the pariah of the playgroup or have a kid who doesn’t get invited to birthday parties. Because those kids grow up to be assholes. And then everybody blames their mothers.