I owe Caroline a 22 monthday post from Friday. I want to blog about the fun weekend we had on Long Island with my friend Kim and her adorable boys and the super-cute Sesame Street themed birthday. I’m working my way through a bunch of internet-inspired craft projects and can’t wait to show you my newly discovered semi-awesome sewing skills.

But yesterday I woke up to a laptop screen that is nothing but white with faint red-blue lines all over it and one big black bar of AWFULNESS. I used the power of Google to determined I was pretty much screwed, and then decided to go with the tried-and-true “shake it a little” method of repair.

It didn’t work.

I got really desperate and went all-out, using every computer skill I had and drawing on things I had one heard someone else talk about like “core processors” and “motherboards” and “card slots”. I managed to pry off all the covers to the laptop guts (that’s the technical term) and blew on them. Then I screwed all the covers back on and prayed really really hard to the laptop gods to just PLEASE let this WORK and I promise I will NEVER use my computer while my hands are covered in Smartpop dust ever again I SWEAR.

It worked. For exactly the amount of time I had the laptop on. Once I shut it down and brought it home my screen went backto death so I’m typing this on my husband’s computer but don’t tell him because our laptops are Things We Do Not Share. Not because we keep private stuff or secret lives or hidden Facebook pages or anything, but because we like things A Certain Way when it comes to our browsers and keyboards and when someone else uses your computer they MESS IT ALL UP.

It might sound weird to you, but it’s something we agree on – except in laptop emergencies while he’s on duty so his computer is literally sitting completely untouched and I don’t even know what I would DO with myself at 9 pm on a Sunday night without a laptop. Listen to the phonograph? Play the harpsichord? Darn socks? I don’t want to live in that world. But THIS computer is not MY computer and besides the fact that I keep typing nonsense like “aerdomr” instead of “awesome” because this keyboard is just sliiiiightly wider than mine it also doesn’t have access to my photos or editing software. So I’m throwing up my hands and going back to

What I’m saying is, good stuff coming up! Tune in tomorrow or whatever day I can sell a kidney in exchange for a screen that works and has access to all of my stuff!

1. Sometimes I imagine that if I lived somewhere like NYC or Chicago where I had to walk or take public transit everywhere I’d be in really great shape. But then I think no, I’d probably just be an alcoholic. No driving home FTW!

2. Most mornings when we leave the house, it looks like we were suddenly taken by The Rapture. I can imagine Olivia Benson standing next to the abandoned cereal bowls still on the table and train tracks half completed on the floor and the computer open to Twitter saying “They were obviously taken against their will.” Nope, just always, always late.

3. At what age to kids stop thinking trash trucks are the coolest thing ever and realize DUDE THAT’S A TRUCK FULL OF GARBAGE?

4. If preschool asks for a “family picture” to help my 3 year old draw an accurate portrait for the class bulletin board, is it wrong to pick one in which I look really great, even if Caroline is only like 8 month old?

5. Iron supplements might be the very meanest thing you can do to a kid. Hey kid, want some of this really yummy juice that will keep you from pooping for three days?? HERE HAVE SOME MORE.

/random

My friend Natalie did a funny post this week about what search terms people are using to find her blog. I thought I would check mine, but was disappointed that most of them are perfectly reasonable and not at all insane. I think that’s a sign that I’m getting boring in my old age – luckily there are still a few good ones to share.

why people like gin and lemon zest sorbet so be – So be…what? Finish your thought! But to answer your question, because gin is delicious, then end.

free boobes iamges cow – I’m not exactly sure what you were looking for, but shame on you anyways.

why do trees have pine cones – To make super cool crafts with, duh.

tramp stamp tattoos – I RUE THE DAY I ever typed the word “tramp stamp” on this blog. It is rued.

zombie party foods – Brains, obviously. You probably shouldn’t be planning a party for zombies when you don’t know very much about them.

naked carpet – I have no idea how this landed someone on my blog, unless it’s how they found my laser hair removal post in which case I’ve officially died of embarrassment.

are cats from the devil – Yes.

h&m black men’s jeans 2011 – You must be really, really lost.

troll baby – Amazing Halloween costume idea, dude. Go for it.

1. Win the lottery. (Note to self: remember to buy a ticket next time, dummy.)

2. Become super famous through my adorable yet honest, funny but touching, amazingly photographed blog about my pregnancy. Babies. Home. Dog? Crafting? Coupons? I’m still working on it.

3. Die. Come back from dead. Write bestseller about heaven.

4. Invent time machine. Go back in time and invest in Apple/Microsoft/Facebook.

4a. Invent time machine. Go back in time and invent salad in a bag.

4b. Invent time machine. Sell rides on time machine for $100,000 a piece.

5. Find buried pirate treasure while playing with the kids on the beach.

6. Discover a supplement that leads to drastic weight loss, but only if you consume copious amounts of chocolate, wine and cheese daily.

7. Create the first at-home coffee IV drip.

8. Get discovered by P. Diddy while singing karaoke in a bar. Sign billion dollar recording deal to become the next Beyonce. (Note to self: learn to sing.)

9. Start extremely successful business as a baby stylist.

10. Convince half of Martha Stewart’s Twitter followers to send me $1.

Obviously I am about to strike it rich ANY DAY NOW.