– One of Baby Evan’s favorite games is called “Try to grab the dog’s junk”. The dog almost always loses this game. I usually just laugh.

– When we’re having a really difficult nap time, sometimes I yell “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE GO TO SLEEP CHILD!” really loud…and he almost always goes right to sleep.

– Things I’ve used to wipe the baby’s nose include: my sleeve, his sleeve, his sock, anything I can grab from the dirty laundry basket, stuffed toys, felt at the craft store, paper towels, cloth diapers. Almost never used: tissues.

– When the baby’s nails get really long and he scratches himself I feel bad. When he starts scratching ME I pin him down and finally trim them.

– Anytime Baby Evan is awake I stare at the dirty dishes and the unmopped floor and the laundry to be folded and think about how much I could be getting done if he would leave me alone. And yet, every time he goes down for a nap I manage to waste the whole time on Twitter/email/knitting/USWeekly/picking my nose.

– I cleaned the rug my child plays on for the first time today. I shook TWO CUPS of dirt out…after I had already vacuumed.

– Baby Evan has fallen on his head approximately 3 billion times in the past two months and I have yet to call the doctor. No blood, no loss of consciousness, and yet somehow I feel like a good mother would be much more concerned.

– I am secretly and silently smug that my son is walking at 10 months because it reinforces my belief he’s a genius although I try really really hard not to bring it up unless someone asks. No one likes Smug Mommy.

– I do not check all our toys for safety and lead content online and have been known to allow my kid to chew on plastic rubber duckies made in China. I figure it’s better than his favorite thing to chew on – Mountain Dew cans.

– None of this stuff keeps me up at night.

Last night our sweet, cuddly co-sleeping arrangement suffered a severe setback when I reached down to pat the baby and came back with a hand covered in poop. Liquid, yellow poop. Are you enjoying your breakfast? Hopefully it’s not applesauce. Or pureed squash.

I suspect the poopsplosion had something to do with the FOUR times Baby Evan nursed last night, since he also peed so much his diaper stopped absorbing and it soaked into his swaddle. I think my nipple has officially become his nighttime security blanket more than as actual source of nourishment. He doesn’t nurse to sleep at bedtime but when he wakes up at night it’s so much easier to just feed him than to get up and rock and pace and shush and listen to him fuss and for the love of God just take the nipple already!  But when he’s latched on – even when he’s not hungry – he’s getting milk and all that food has to go somewhere. I would prefer if that somewhere didn’t include ON ME. And the sheets. And the mattress. AND ON ME. But whatevs. I doubt that’s the last nighttime poop incident we have in his life. Might as well get used to it.

The sad part of the story is all that pooping didn’t faze Baby Evan at all – he just rolled over onto his stomach so he didn’t have to lie in crap and kept on snoozing. So I had to wake up my peacefully sleeping baby at 6 am to get the poop cleaned off him. And the sheets. And the towel I keep by the bed for emergencies. AND ME. When, really, I could have just let him keep sleeping and dealt with the poopsplosion after the sun came up. I think that’s when you know you’re officially a parent – you actually consider the “lie in poop but get more sleep” option. Yes, dear pregnant readers, this IS what having a baby is really like.