Mom Confessions: Don’t Tell Anyone

– One of Baby Evan’s favorite games is called “Try to grab the dog’s junk”. The dog almost always loses this game. I usually just laugh.

– When we’re having a really difficult nap time, sometimes I yell “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE GO TO SLEEP CHILD!” really loud…and he almost always goes right to sleep.

– Things I’ve used to wipe the baby’s nose include: my sleeve, his sleeve, his sock, anything I can grab from the dirty laundry basket, stuffed toys, felt at the craft store, paper towels, cloth diapers. Almost never used: tissues.

– When the baby’s nails get really long and he scratches himself I feel bad. When he starts scratching ME I pin him down and finally trim them.

– Anytime Baby Evan is awake I stare at the dirty dishes and the unmopped floor and the laundry to be folded and think about how much I could be getting done if he would leave me alone. And yet, every time he goes down for a nap I manage to waste the whole time on Twitter/email/knitting/USWeekly/picking my nose.

– I cleaned the rug my child plays on for the first time today. I shook TWO CUPS of dirt out…after I had already vacuumed.

– Baby Evan has fallen on his head approximately 3 billion times in the past two months and I have yet to call the doctor. No blood, no loss of consciousness, and yet somehow I feel like a good mother would be much more concerned.

– I am secretly and silently smug that my son is walking at 10 months because it reinforces my belief he’s a genius although I try really really hard not to bring it up unless someone asks. No one likes Smug Mommy.

– I do not check all our toys for safety and lead content online and have been known to allow my kid to chew on plastic rubber duckies made in China. I figure it’s better than his favorite thing to chew on – Mountain Dew cans.

– None of this stuff keeps me up at night.

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7 Responses to “Mom Confessions: Don’t Tell Anyone”

  1. Brigid Keely says:

    I love you so hard for this post right now.

  2. Audrey says:

    I’ve never even thought about checking online for the lead content. And his lead content was elevated at his 1 year appt. But since I managed to get it back down to normal levels in three months using the power of broccoli and red meat, I’m not that worried about what he sticks in his mouth so long as it came from a store and not the cat.

  3. Erin says:

    They check baby’s lead content???

  4. Merin says:

    Thank you for this post and know that you are not the only mom doing these things, just one who is brave enough to share!

  5. Merin says:

    PS the only time I have thought about lead is when Cora tries to eat pencils.

  6. Brigid Keely says:

    Erin, there’s a blood draw that checks for lead content and anemia. An actual blood draw. From a vein. In the arm. :C

  7. I am glad to know the junk grabbing game is universal. And hell yes I am smug that my kid was a proficient walker by 10 months but that smugness is NOTHING compared to the way I feel about his language capabilities. Too bad almost none of my meat-people friends have kids so I have no one to brag to other than the lonely internets.

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