Baby Evan came out of his bout with the flu RAVENOUSLY HUNGRY and unable to find enough dog hair on the floor to solve this problem. So now it’s my problem. Or more specifically, my boobs’ problem (you don’t even want to know how long I spent on that apostrophe – and I’m still not even sure it’s right). Unfortunately, my boobs are still attached to my chest. I never would have thought of that as unfortunate before I had a kid but my, how the world has changed.

Despite the time and money I invested in the make-my-own-baby-food-plan the baby refuses to play along and actually eat any of it. I’ve mentioned before (and before and before ) how uninterested he is in solids, but I always figured the time would come when he was ready. I figured the time would come at 7 months, and at 8 months, and at 9 months…and now at almost 10 months I’m done figuring. I give up on baby food. That’s right folks, I am not feeding my baby ANY MORE BABY FOOD.

Before you call Child Protective Services, let me explain my NEW plan. It’s NEW, in all caps, so you know it must be good. Well, not new like just invented. Just NEW to Baby Evan and his tired, sore, milk-less mother.

NEW PLAN: Baby-Led Weaning. (For the record, not really weaning – there’s no reduction of milk/formula. I think the creator is British or something and you know how they are with their crazy baby words like “cot” and “push chair”.)

I don’t remember where I first heard about BLW but now I’ve heard of it everywhere. On the interwebs, in my parenting magazines, on the interwebs, from moms I know and trust, on the interwebs. So I finally checked it out and discovered…we already do it. Basically, Baby-Led Weaning is just giving babies baby-sized portions of adult foods. So if you’re having pasta for dinner, you give the baby some pasta. If you’re having tacos for dinner you give the baby avocado and tortillas. If you’re having cereal for dinner you give the baby a banana. Not mushed and pureed and fed with a spoon, just cut up so baby can feed himself (Or not even cut up – Google it for the scientific, no jokes details and safety info on choking and stuff). I started doing it because I was tired of putting a ton a work into preparing baby food just to dump it all down the drain when Baby Evan really just wanted what was on my plate. So basically, laziness. But it turns out I’m not the only lazy mom out there, so it’s LEGITIMATE laziness.

So far the BLW has gone a lot better than the pureed baby food but I still don’t think the baby is actually EATING. My suspicions are based on a) the fact he nursed every half hour all day yesterday and b) THIS:

Oh hey, I just discovered gravity and it's super fun!

That mess on the floor is dinner: an entire banana and 3/4 of an avocado. It landed exactly where lunch (half a mango) did a few hours earlier. My dog is now eating better quality, more nutrient rich food than most human beings. Oh well, I’ll keep trying.

Weight: 22 lbs on the dot (above average)
Height: 28 1/2 inches (average)
Head circumference:  46 cm (above average, “Which is good” my pediatrician said, “so he doesn’t look like a weirdo. Because his weight is above average too.”)

We had a different doctor today, one I had never met before but I immediately liked based solely on the fact that he shares a name with a certain TV sitcom paleontologist. Let’s call him Dr. G. I thought about asking how Rachel was doing but figured it wasn’t good to piss off the guy in charge of sticking my baby with needles. Alas, it didn’t do me any good since he still suggested we finish Baby Evan’s Hep B series AND talked me into the H1N1 shot. You know I was on the fence about it back in October at his 6 month appointment but it became a moo point (like a cow’s opinion)  when the office didn’t have their doses yet. But after The Great Sickness of 2009 (which I’m not totally convinced WASN’T H1N1) I’ll do anything to keep Baby Evan from suffering though another week of misery.

Besides his name, I also liked Dr. G based on his total support of breastfeeding. He said he knew my lactation consultant well, referred new moms to Papoose for support all the time and used to be very active in La Leche League. His own wife nursed their children until they were 2 1/2 and he said as long as I was happy doing it I should definitely continue nursing Baby Evan past a year.  Instead of asking “Where does the baby sleep?” he just asked “How’s the baby sleeping? Do you lay him down on his back?” And hold on to your hats, AP mamas, but he also said bed-sharing was a great idea as long as E and I were comfortable with the situation. He and his wife bed-shared until their son was FOUR (although the story he then told about kicking his son out after he vomited ON HIS FACE one night made me pretty glad Baby Evan likes his crib). He’s my new favorite doctor at the practice and I’m going to make a point of asking for him in the future.

In other news, the trauma of being stuck with TWO GIANT ENORMOUS MASSIVE SHARP HORRIBLE PAINFUL POISON-COATED NEEDLES disrupted Baby Evan’s sleep patten enough that he woke up twice last night. It may also have been because we forgot to feed him any solids yesterday (oops) so he needed the calories. I will not make the same mistake again today, and plan to offer a six-course baby meal tonight (sweet potato, avocado, applesauce, teething biscuit, baby cheese puffs and yogurt) so he’ll be nice and full at 7 pm. Mama likes her sleep.

I have now officially had a baby for the same length of time it took to grow said baby. Nine months in, nine months out. And my least favorite part, “it took you 9 months to gain the baby weight, so give yourself 9 months to lose it.” Bah. It took me 9 months of sitting on my butt eating french fries to gain this weight, it’s going to take a lot more than 9 months of sitting on my butt eating french fries stroller workouts to lose it. Especially since I only started working out at 6 months postpartum and only SERIOUSLY working out in the last three weeks. I still somehow managed to lose 35 lbs and am only 2 lbs away from what my doctor has listed as my starting weight. Which means I have 12 lbs to go to get into my old jeans and 32 lbs to go to get down to a weight I’ll be happy with. I’m not even going to tell you how much I’d have to lose to get back to my lowest college weight since it’s both ridiculous and impossible. All I want is to not look like I ate the fifth bridesmaid when I’m in my friend Erin’s wedding in September.

Baby Evan on the other hand, may actually have eaten a member of our play group without my noticing. His official weigh in is on Monday but I’m betting he’s around 24 lbs and OMGwhatareyoufeedingthisbaby?? ounces. I’m expecting a very interesting conversation where I explain to the pediatrician he’s not really eating solids yet and the pediatrician calls me a liarface, but I plan to bring some Cheerios along to prove it. Then again, Baby Evan did manage to eat most of the hummus I gave him today, so our attempts at real food must be starting to work. Apparently I was just going about it all wrong , trying to get him to eat normal things like applesauce. I should just start offering the most obscure foods available. Tabouleh? Caviar? Kimchi? Lukefisk? Ok, maybe not those, but I think I’ll try some avocado and sweet potato oven fries this week.

Development-wise, I think we’re right on track. Besides the pulling up and cruising, he’s started letting go and E SWEARS the baby even took a step the other day. I didn’t see it though, so it doesn’t count. Just like E never hears Baby Evan say “Mama” so we haven’t written down “first word: Mama” in the baby book. Actually, the whole first word milestone is total bullshit. He says “haaaiii” when we say “hi”. He says “mama mama” and “daaad” but just at random times. His babbling has increased to multiple syllables that SOUND like sentences but he’s definitely not using actual words. I guess “first word” really means “the first time he says a word and actually knows what it means”, in which case I think it’s going to be kitty. Or maybe Brutus. Actually, at this point it may be TOUCHDOOOOOWN!!! but I’ll explain that later.

Milestone Chart from BabyCenter

Mastered Skills (most kids can do)
• Stands while holding onto something – All the time
• Jabbers or combines syllables – Yes
• Understands object permanence – Boy does he ever. Take away anything he wants (power cords, balls of dog hair, the cat) and he’ll scream for it back. Hiding it behind your back doesn’t work anymore either.

Emerging Skills (half of kids can do)
• Cruises while holding onto furniture – He can make it from the bookcase to the radiator to the ottoman to the couch to the rocker to the chair to the post to the highchair to the dog and back again.
• Drinks from a sippy cup – Sort of? He knows HOW to drink, I just don’t know if he does. He has a sippy of water he loves to put in his mouth and chew on but it’s impossible to tell how much is leaking and how much is getting swallowed.
• Eats with fingers – Yes, he is capable of putting food in his mouth with his fingers.
• Bangs objects together – I haven’t seen him do it.

Advanced Skills (a few kids can do)
• Plays patty-cake and peek-a-boo – No patty-cake, but he’ll play peek-a-boo if you put something over his/your head.
• Says “mama” and “dada” to the correct parent – No. Damnit.

It’s sort of terrifying to think we’re 3/4 of the way to a year already and in a couple months I’ll have to start thinking about what to do for my KID’S BIRTHDAY PARTY. Maybe we’ll just send him to Grandma’s and go with a beer and spa treatment theme.

At least he's finally starting to earn his keep around here.

If only the food could be absorbed through his head we'd be all set with the eating.

OH DID I FORGET TO MENTION THE TEETH? Top and bottom now, with the next two top ones about to pop.

Zombie Baby!

Ok, I'll look cute for your website photos...

...but don't forget who's in charge around here!

Yeah, I’m going to talk about boobs again. Deal.

Happy Face :)

I love breastfeeding. It’s totally amazing that if you combine my pregnancy with the months of exclusive (really really exclusive) breastfeeding, I’ve kept this baby alive with just my body for 17 months. I’m practically a superhero, although thank God I don’t have a spandex outfit. I’ve given my baby the best start possible and he (and I) will both be healthier for it. I’ve saved an enormous amount of money by not buying any formula and an enormous amount of time not sterilizing, heating and preparing bottles. Nothing beats snuggling with a warm sleepy infant on a cold morning and starting my day feeling absolutely attached to my baby. I feel like I repeat all this stuff so many times a day I might as well get it tattooed on my forehead. Or at least embroidered on a pillow. A pillow I can throw off a cliff.

Sad Face :(

I’m so so so tired all the time from getting up at night to nurse this baby. Now that he’s mobile he’s like a tiny Michael Phelps – his body burns calories faster than he can get them in and he needs to eat fourteen times a day. Not to mention possibly suffering from a case of the munchies. When I committed to breastfeeding, I was relieved to learn “extended nursing” usually only involved a couple of feedings a day and not the round-the-clock sessions of a newborn. Unfortunately Baby Evan didn’t get that memo. My nipples feel like they’re going to fall (not from pain, just from pulling) and it only gets worse when he’s teething – which he’s doing AGAIN. This time it’s the top teeth, which means in a couple days he’ll be able to bite with the same power as an average sized dog. Think about how much that would hurt. And despite MY anytime, anywhere approach to breastfeeding the baby refuses to eat if there are people, noise, colors, sounds, dogs, cats, other babies, music, or toys within 100 feet. If I don’t plan for quiet time at home he goes all day without eating and the nighttime feedings go from 2 or 3 to 4 or 5. At this point, I couldn’t give up on breastfeeding even if I wanted to. The battle we have every time I try to give him a bottle or cup is EPIC and his refusal could easily outlast my will to force one on him. Every time I mention my frustration I’m told “don’t worry, he’ll grow out of it” and that 8 months is a totally normal age to still be nursing exclusively. THANKS FOR NOTHING advice givers. Why don’t you come over here and breastfeed this baby at 3 am? For 8 months in a row? Oh, I’m sorry, you’re too busy sleeping at 3 am? THEN SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE. Sorry, sleep deprivation is making me cranky. And complaining about it makes me feel a little better. Especially complaining about it in LARGE CAPITAL LETTERS. LOUD NOISES.

I’m not really prepared to be the mother of a 7 month old. How did my baby get this old?! I don’t know why I never really got past 6 months in my head, but for some reason it never occurred to me time would keep going. I think it’s because 6 months was supposed to be our big milestone, the end of the exclusive breastfeeding and the moment when I no longer had to be Baby Evan’s only source of food. SURPRISE. Motherhood lesson #1: babies don’t give a crap about what you want. Really though, I don’t mind that much. He’s old enough now that he has to be really really REALLY hungry before he starts screaming, so I’m able to get some baby free time while E gets daddy time. I even missed bedtime last night so I could attend the mom’s knitting group at Papoose and made my first baby washcloth. Or at least I WILL have made my first baby washcloth when someone shows me how to finish it. I don’t think it will work very well with a knitting needle stuck to one side.

As for milestones…we have achieved forward momentum. It’s not really crawling, since he still hasn’t figured out how to get his knees under him while in motion (although he can get up on all fours while stationary and rock back and forth as if he’s trying to will his body forward). No, Baby Evan gets around by sort of half dragging half kicking his way across the floor, in a way that could only be described as “desperate gun shot victim crawls for safety” or “injured animal attempts escape”. Although I doubt either of those would move at the incredible speed Baby Evan can reach. There’s this corner of the kitchen where he always pauses and looks back, as if daring me to remember closing the baby gate, right before he disappears towards the HALLWAY OF DOOM, which holds the dog food, a bathroom and the basement stairs. In the 7 month old mind, all those things should be explored with one’s mouth. Unfortunately, the gates can’t do anything about his amazing ability to find the ONE piece of paper or bottle cap or dog kibble or dust bunny on a floor covered in baby toys and immediately try to eat it. We should send the babies to Afghanistan and say “Whatever you do, DON’T put Bin Laden in your mouth.” BOOM! Problem solved.

Our new nighttime routine is going…well, not really WELL, but better than I expected. More nights than not we make it past midnight before a feeding and until 4 or 5 am before the only way to get any more sleep is bringing him to bed with me. I’m hoping we get down to one early morning feeding followed by a couple extra hours of sleep by 9 months, so I’ve started checking stuff off Dr. Sears’ causes of nighttime waking list. We bought a space heater to keep the nursery warm (it’s now the most comfortable room in the house). We dress the baby in a cotton onesie before putting on his cozy jammies so they won’t itch. We set up the humidifier to help with his congestion. We play the Baby Go To Sleep cd on repeat all night. Even the worst insomniac in the world would fall asleep in that room, and yet it’s not quite good enough for my darling babycakes. The GIANT GLARING PROBLEM with this plan is that all the eating Baby Evan was doing at night now happens during the day. And I think his top teeth are coming through. So lets just say our days are  mostly spent topless.

As fast as the last 7 months have gone, the next couple are going to just fly by. We’re going to Pennsylvania to be godparents to my best friend’s baby next weekend, the weekend after that we’re going to Virginia (shh!! it’s a surprise party for my grandmother!), then it’s Thanksgiving. We don’t know yet how our holidays are going to play out or where we’ll be but I am ridiculously excited for Baby Evan’s first Christmas. The excitement on his face when he realizes all that wrapping paper those presents are for him to eat to play with is going to be fantastic.

For your viewing pleasure, a baby escape. He made it from the carpet to that spot in the time it took me to turn on the camera. If you listen carefully you can hear his cackle of laughter as he disappears: