I have a problem.

I think I need to admit it and consider getting help.

Although I’m not sure anyone makes a 12 step program for headband addicts.

Step 1: Accept that your hair has gotten out of control and you NEED those headbands to survive.

Wait, that’s not right.

I blame Gossip Girl. And Etsy. Although I think it really started almost exactly a year ago, right before Little Evan’s first birthday party. I went on a hunt for a jaunty (did I really just say jaunty?) red headband to complete my slightly-ringmaster-esque-without-being-costumey outfit. And you know what I found? TONS OF HEADBANDS. HEADBANDS EVERYWHERE. A PLETHORA OF HEADBANDS. At some point between when I was 8 and now they came back into style. Who knew? So I fought my way through cheap plastic earrings and fingerless lace gloves (which should NOT have come back) to the back of a Claire’s bought one. People told me it was cute. It made my boring just-hangs-there-hair look more fun. So a few months later I bought another one, black and white flowers, at Target.

AND THEN MY OBSESSION TOOK OVER.

Gold & Red headbands – Much Love Illy

Felt flower and purple feather headbands – My beloved Uff Da

Black & White Rosettes and Red & Yellow Rosettes – Twenty Five Design

Purple Ruffle and Red Polka Dot Ruffle – Gussy

Red Rosette headband – Allora Handmade

And my newest addition…

Blue Print headband – Rayna Jaye

You can see how this is getting a little out of hand. But the truth is, they make me SO HAPPY. Headbands are a new mom’s best friend. Greasy hair? Cute headband and no one notices! Boring outfit? Cute headband and no one notices! Bitchy receptionist at my OB’s office who “forgot” to put my appointment in the computer and tries to tell me they’re all booked so I’ll just have to get someone to watch the kids some other day and come back? Notices my cute headband and then finds a doctor who can see me! (True story.)

Also, headbands always fit, even when my pants do not.

But because spending our entire tax return on headbands would be an irresponsible choice, I decided to go about trying to make my own. Behold! The easiest, cheapest headband ever!

Glue gun, stretchy headband from Target (on clearance, 5 for $4), sparkly iron on applique from craft store (on clearance for $1.50), tiny piece of felt left over from my felt flowers.

FACT: I took this picture yesterday morning. I haven’t washed my hair in two days and I’ve been fluctuating between burning with fever and sweating like a pig as it breaks. Isn’t that a lovely mental picture? And yet, I am still willing to put this picture on the internet! Because my hair still looks cute! HEADBANDS ARE MAGIC!

Of course, the camera in from of my face is hiding the real tragedy. How many headbands does it take to hide the giant bags under my eyes and the zits on my chin?

…have dark circles under them no concealer can hide.

…are coated in yesterday’s smudged mascara.

…haven’t had a brow wax in 4 months.

…are getting wrinkles, but we’ll call them laugh-lines.

…are on the back of her head.

…brim with pride at first steps.

…and brim with tears at first boo boos.

…can see in the dark.

…have seen the same episode of Yo Gabba Gabba a zillionty times.

…read the same bedtime story over and over.

…are hard to pry open after sleepless nights.

…cry tears of frustration.

…cry tears of joy.

…smile more than they frown.

…are full of love for her children.

Happy Valentine’s Day, whoever your Valentine may be.

What’s that you say? It’s January and so no one CARES about Christmas anymore? Blah blah blah I CAN’T HEAR YOU.

I realized after I had wrapped and mailed all my gifts this year that I really went overboard with the knitting. I mean, sure scarves are awesome, but maybe someone would like a gift that isn’t quite so…heartfelt. Stuff from the store is nice too. Like a Starbucks gift card. Or a bottle of wine. Or a Starbucks gift card AND a bottle of wine. But hey, it’s been really cold this winter so hopefully everyone’s using their fair trade Latin American artisan gifts and thinking nice warm thoughts about me.

If it helps, next year I promise not to be so crafty.

For my dad

Gray cabled scarf made with undyed eco-wool – which means this color came straight off a sheep. I think that’s REALLY COOL and kept telling random people about because LOOK, it’s SHEEP COLORED WOOL I am impressed and amazed at something that is neither impressive or amazing! It’s also about 6 inches shorter than it should be but the cable pattern was driving me BONKERS so…I quit. Sorry Dad.

For my friend Erin

This is my favorite scarf pattern to knit. It works with lots of different yarn, it’s fast, and it’s really useful – you can wrap it several different ways and use any of the holes as button holes…

For my sisters-in-law

…Which explains why both of my husband’s sisters got the same scarf knit with sparkly yarn. I should really make one of these for myself so I’m not tempted to keep other people’s presents.

For my mother

Ok, so the mittens were a total failure – my mom is a small person so I made them a little smaller than the pattern called for…and ended up making teeny tiny thumbs even my toddler can’t wear. Because when I tried for “a little bit smaller” I basically made them for a double thumb amputee. Since Mom did not tragically lose any fingers to frostbite (Yet! Without mittens she might! And then these will be SO USEFUL! See, I’m just PLANNING AHEAD) I made Mom the cowl to make up for the defective mittens. It’s just a big tube knit with super soft sock yarn and again I was VERY tempted to keep it. I need to go buy another skein and start on one for myself. Right after I finish the TWELVE project I’m currently working on/already bought the yarn for/promised to make for people.

For my friend Sara

This right here may be the MOST AWESOME thing I have ever knit. It is an exact replica of the Ravenclaw House scarf from the Harry Potter movies (also the books, but in the books Ravenclaw colors are blue and gold)(there’s some useless knowledge you’ll never get out of your head). If you watch the movies though, Hogwarts upperclassmen wear a different scarf and for a while I considered ripping this one out and making the other version – because my friend Sara is obviously not 11 and would certainly be an upperclassman at Hogwarts – until I remembered IT’S A BOOK YOU IDIOT. THERE IS NO ACTUAL MAGIC SCHOOL. But despite its lack of wizard powers, it’s still super warm and long and I hope it’s keeping Sara’s face from freezing off as she walks around NYC.

For my nephews and niece

And this one wins for most creative gift I gave this year. It’s a pair of mittens for each of my sister-in-law’s kids – kid, toddler and baby sized – and a copy of The Mitten by Jan Brett. I WIN AT CLEVERNESS. I even made the mittens red (unlike the white one in the book) so they would be easy to see and find in the snow.

Things I didn’t take pictures of: fingerless gloves for my BFF, a nice warm hat for her husband, and approximately 20 coffee coozies. I still need to make 4 or 5 more as “Sorry I didn’t get this to you in time for Christmas but I was busy giving birth” presents, but now I’m busy with keeping that thing I gave birth to alive. It’s really cutting into my knitting time.

Thank you to everyone for the kind words last week after I vomited emotions all over the place. I promise next time I’ll try to find a  bucket or something instead. It’s so great to have a support system that will both sympathize with me and remind me that I’m an awesome mom doing a great job when I’m having a bad day. I was planning to write thoughtful, personal replies to each one of you, well, I didn’t. Please feel free to send me hate email. I could even cry a little if you want, I’m in that kind of place these days.

The thing is though…I’m not really an awesome mom and I don’t think I’m doing a great job. I don’t mean that in a cute “OMG I’m so fat!” fishing for compliments sort of way – I mean I am impatient and frustrated and uninvolved and feel like I struggle with good parenting more than anyone else around me. I raise my voice far more than I should, and I often let it get beyond just voice-raising to yelling. I swat Little Evan’s hands instead of firmly redirecting his attention. I spend a LOT of time online – something that’s gotten totally out of control since I’ve become a recluse who never leaves her house – instead of letting him interact with other kids and burn off his energy. Sometimes when he’s crying for no reason I give up trying to comfort him a lot sooner than I should. I make a lot of excuses not to sit on the floor and play with him (I’m too busy! I’m too pregnant! I’m too tired! I’m too sick!) but get annoyed when he tries to climb on me on the couch. And poor baby Caroline had to throw a huge fit for the past two days to get me to hold her for longer than it took to nurse. It’s just so much easier to put her in a swing and let her sleep all day while I deal with Little Evan instead of give her the attention and cuddles she deserves.

Sometimes I imagine there’s are secret Dr. Phil Family-style cameras in my house watching me spend the day parenting and more days than not I would be embarrassed to let anyone see the video. I can just picture myself sitting across from Dr. Phil himself and all he’s doing is shaking his head in disappointment. I’m being imaginary shamed by a fake TV doctor and he’s RIGHT.

SO. Instead of resolving to make dinner every night or finish two loads of laundry a day or always wear make-up or lose weight, my goal for 2011 is to be a better mom. More patient, more involved, more fun, more cuddly, and more like the mom my kids deserve. Part of that resolution includes taking better care of myself (no more ignoring symptoms and putting off appointments) because it’s so so much harder to be calm and rational in the face of a screaming toddler when your head feels like it’s going to explode and you can barely sit up. But the ultimate goal is for all of us – the whole family of four – to be happier, calmer and more loving. Because I DO love my kids and I never ever want them to doubt it for even a second. 2011 is the year I become the awesome mom I know I can be.

And then I’m going to punch imaginary Dr. Phil in his face.

View from Caroline's window while I was nursing her this evening

*Taken with my Nikon D90 and my new Nikkor 50mm f/1.8 D lens. LOVE IT.