Based on my pictures, I think we can officially say summer has started here.

Sunday:

Is this a New England thing? I hadn’t ever had it before we moved here and now it’s my favorite.

Shopping helper

All 15 episodes watched in one day. Obsessed.

Monday:

Photo of the parade photographer. So meta.

Dual swinging skillz

Screw you, tree helicopters. Say hello to my little friend, the leafblower.

Tuesday:

Gas station fashion shot

No, of course I didn’t feed the kids donuts for lunch. Why would you think that?

PLEASE SWING PLEASE SWING PLEASE MOOOORE SWING!

Wednesday:

C’mon Rhode Island, maybe try repaving ONE SIDE at a time?

Checking out Inara the Anteater.

Petting a Moon Bear. Maybe if he was named for a Firefly character I’d know his name too.

Thursday:

One of the benefits of going to the gym is finally catching up on magazines

Beach babies

That “sand” is really more like dirt, but it works.

Friday:

Ducky friends! Baby duckie friends! So many duckies!

11:00 am. BLERG.

LOOK WATER I LIKE IT! – says the child who didn’t like the water 24 hours before.

Saturday:

Indoor, air-conditioned playground birthday party. Best idea ever.

PEEK A BOO

She accidentally ate the bubbles almost every time

The next week is going to be a busy one for me – TWO trips into NYC for fun blogging stuff. The weather is supposed to be a little more reasonable too (70’s instead of 90’s) so we can go back to doing other fun stuff besides hiding at the lake. Not that I really MIND hiding at the lake, I just don’t think I can afford to go through that much sunscreen every single week.

So sorry, so late, so not really caring because of the holiday weekend.

Sunday:

Toast on the couch

Naps on the couch

Bath…not on the couch

Monday:

Rockstar #1 at the dentist

Rockstar #2 at the dentist

Rain-shmain, it’s playground time.

Frozen yogurt as a reward for being a rockstar.

Tuesday:

Summer has officially started

PRETTY EXCITED ABOUT THIS SUMMER THING.

I’m pretty excited too.

Wednesday:

This is how mommy sleeps in.

Cartwheel practice

She insists on reading in bed, even after I turn the light off.

Thursday:

My little thrift shoppers helping me pop some tags.

Poison dart frog in yo face

Oh look, I found my fisheye lens.

Friday:

The cutest matching not-twins ever.

Caroline disapproves of the commissary.

Judgy cat is judging me for…whatever. Everything.

Saturday:

The best part about going to birthday parties is playing with other people’s toys.

Welcome to my tent. Please take your shoes off and bring me a cookie.

This is Evan’s idea of being helpful when I try to take his picture. So helpful.

It’s 9 pm Monday night, which means the long weekend is officially over. E actually got 2 full days off and we fit in as much fun as possible – TWO parades on Monday! I also took pictures for two different friends and I’m buckling down to get my editing done. I’m actually HOPING for rain at least one day this week so I don’t feel bad keeping the kids inside. I’ll make up for it with a beach or two when it hits 85 later in the week.

Badge Code:
I stopped taking my Zoloft back in June simply because I ran out. I kept meaning to make a follow up appointment to talk to my doctor about a refill, but as each day went by I felt better and warmer and happier and decided it was as good a time as any to stop. It wasn’t necessarily a smart, well thought out, medically advised decision. There was just so much going on – so many adventures, so many trips, so much SUNSHINE – that I forgot to make the appointment and before I knew it I was too busy to feel sad and frustrated and angry all the time.

It wasn’t an act of God or a miracle that I felt better. My anxiety reached an all-time high when Caroline was about 15 months old, which was exactly when we began weaning. A few people reached out to tell me they had experienced the same crazy hormone fluctuations and depression when they had stopped breastfeeding. It turns out it’s an actual thing, although not something that’s extremely well known.

The Zoloft got me through weaning and over that hormonal bump that made me feel like I was losing my mind. It was like a key and a sliver of light under the door I was banging my head against, trying to figure out how to escape my frustration.

Besides the medication, using hemp flower for anxiety  and the light (sunshine, brightness, longer days) made a huge difference. I used to roll my eyes at people who claimed Seasonal Affective Disorder with their sunlamps and their dread of winter. How can that be a real thing?

My apologies to everyone who I ever secretly thought was making it up, since there is no doubt in my mind that the short dark days played a huge part in my anxiety.

Maybe it’s an actual vitamin D deficiency or maybe it’s a feeling-the-sunshine-on-my-skin-makes-me-happy deficiency, but when the days warm up and we spend more time outside I am always better. A better mom, a better wife, a better person. The lightness makes me lighter.

With Labor Day weekend behind us the evenings getting shorter by the day and I’m starting to worry a little bit. September and October are beautiful, fun-filled months for us in New England. There’s still plenty of time to spend outside, plenty of apples to be picked, the perfect pumpkins to find for jack-o-lanterns, hay mazes to explore.

But beyond that, there’s winter. Cold. Dark. The stress of the holidays. Although December might be my very favorite month now (Caroline’s birthday AND Christmas!) there’s no doubt trying to split up family time and E’s crazy work schedule and weather-related delays and cancellations and ruined travel plans can crush my festive spirit pretty quickly. I’m feeling a little stressed just thinking about it. And the heating bill. And the snow. And now my eye is twitching.

I’m thinking I should probably go ahead and make an appointment now to talk to my doctor, rather than waiting until I get overwhelmed and the thought of adding one more thing to my plate makes me want to just curl up under the covers and cry. I don’t necessarily want to restart the Zoloft (or anything else) now. I’d like to be prescription free when we start trying for baby #3 if possible, although I’m also a little worried pregnancy could do what weaning did and things might get out of control again quickly. But I think it’s a good door to have open.

So for now I’m floating through the end of summer, mindful of what’s coming but not letting it overshadow these beautiful days. This weekend is the best weekend of the year around here (Greek Festival and Italian Food Festival within walking distance, town fair in our old town) and my biggest problem is we have too many friends to hang out with. It’s a pleasant kind of busy-ness, rather than the overwhelming kind. Let’s hope I can recognize the difference if and when it comes and know enough to ask for help.

I feel like this cat knows everything I wish I did about life.

My last posts about E’s hideous work schedule and struggling to parent my preschooler came across wrong and I’ve been feeling dishonest. I miss E, my husband, the guy I married, a ton. I miss talking to someone about what we did that day. I miss sharing dinner with someone who doesn’t throw food at me and demand a toy and fries instead of his mac and cheese (I curse the day I bought that first Happy Meal). I miss someone else taking out the trash and mowing the lawn. The LIFE part is sort of overwhelming to do alone after not doing it alone for most of the last 8 years. And although I struggle with consistent, positive parenting I’m also enjoying the crap out of my kids. It helps that I’m writing this after we’ve had a lovely morning and that we have fun stuff planned every day until school (school!!) starts on Tuesday, but I don’t feel like I’m struggling to keep my head above the stream of challenges.

I have gotten used to this all-the-time mom thing. My little family – my daily we – is just one person smaller most of the time. We leave the house. We take vacations. We go to the beach. We buy groceries. We read lots and lots and lots of books. I don’t even cringe when I realize I’m doing bedtime alone every day. I’ve actually pushed the kids’ bedtimes back so I can spend more time with them – evenings are lonely when no one is coming home to talk to. So You Think You Can Dance is only good company for a couple episodes before you realize it’s kind of sad to comment out loud to the cat on Cat’s crazy outfit.

We have fun, the kids and I. We’re good together. Even when I’m failing at the technical details of parenting they’re always ready to forgive me, give hugs and kisses and go on another adventure.

Even though saying it seems like sacrilege to the gods of warm weather, popsicles and iced coffee, I think we’re ready for our fall adventures to start. Caroline has outgrown this outfit – our favorite all summer – and it’s a smack-you-in-the-face kind of metaphor for how this season of our life is ending.

I might cry the day she outgrows those shoes though. I know she will.

Our carefree days with no schedule and no responsibilities and spur-of-the-moment fun at the zoo are officially over. Evan has school Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. Both kids have gymnastics on Wednesdays. It’s making me doubt this whole preschool situation a little. As good as I know it will be for both of us to get a little time apart, it feels like I’m sending a piece of my heart off into the world to fend for itself.

I promise I’m trying not to write a post filled entirely with the most cliched mother cliches ever. I’m so blessed. My kids help me see the world in a new way. I love them so much my heart might explode. Being a mom is the best job in the world.

But those are all mommy cliches for a REASON.

Caroline is such a big girl and so smart and understands almost everything that I’m thinking about sending her to school after her birthday. Two year old preschool has always been something I thought was silly – it’s just DAYCARE, don’t try to make it sound fancy – but even if all she does all day is hang out with other 2 year olds and scribble with crayons and eat Goldfish at least it would be with actual trained teachers who could focus on building her skills instead of a mom who just takes Instagram photos of her.

I like to think knowing my own strengths and weaknesses makes me a better mom.

But then I will be childless for 5 hours a week and that kind of free time might be too much for me. I could run! I could shop! I could sit on a park bench alone and read a book! I might also sob for days and/or catch a case of baby fever that ends with spontaneous triplets. The possibilities are endless.

Here comes Fall, y’all. We’re so ready for the adventure. Are you ready for us?