I participated in another book club selection for BlogHer recently, this time it was The Kid, a sequel to the novel Push by Sapphire (you may have seen the movie, Precious, which was based on Push). If you’ve seen or read the first one, you can imagine why my review started like this:

I have never struggled so hard to finish a book as I did with The Kid by Sapphire. In fact, it took me a full 3 weeks to read the 370 pages because I could only handle it in small, small doses, like a medicine you know is good for you but tastes awful. This story is not for those with a weak stomach or a weak heart.

Read the rest of my review here…

This ain’t yo mama’s craft fair.

The adorable Jess of Allora Handmade

I’ve waited a REALLY LONG TIME to hug Hannah‘s face and I’m so glad I finally did.

I spent about an hour and a half (and sort of a lot of money) at the market, so of course I have pictures of what I bought to share:

Super hero cape from blue. by YeLLoMeDaiSY

Polka dot skirt from Stacy Lynn

I would totally post a picture of me WEARING it…if it fit. I thought it might but I underestimated the size of my hips. I’ll just call it more incentive to lose weight.

That’s actually MY headband, but she makes a better model. Also, I totally forgot which booth I got it from, so if you know tell me and I’ll link to the shop!

Headband from Little Penelope Lane

AND AND AND AND

My new favorite shop, Spiffing Jewelry. This bracelet isn’t up on her site yet – although I think we bugged her enough on Twitter that it will be soon – but in case you need help it says “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good” and is a reference to Harry Potter. Amy and Ashley and I spent a good 20 minutes looking at every single one of her geekery bracelets trying to decide which to buy. I should have bought at least two more, since they aren’t all online and I LOVE them.

I also had a super SUPER crazy run-in with my second grade pen pal at the checkout counter. Not even kidding, we wrote letters when I was 7 or 8 and haven’t seen her since. Facebook helped us recognize each other but how is that for one of those “what a small world!!!” moments?

Loved the whole thing and am thrilled with my new shop discoveries.

Working titles for this post at various points during the weekend include:

I Knew It, Everyone Hates Me

Holy Shit I Won An iPad

Poor Choices In Footwear

Sparklecorn Really Is As Amazing As You’ve Heard

PLEASE LET ME HOLD YOUR BABY

I Knew It, Everyone Loves Me

I’m Never Drinking Again

A Surprising Number of Word Origins Involve Genitalia

Where Are The Damn Cheeseburgers?

I Missed My Kids

and

No One Was Mean To Me

The worst part of the whole weekend was getting there a full day later than most of my friends (they attended a special extra conference day on Thursday) so I missed out on some of the parties swag fun. But the travel gods smiled on me – at least on the way THERE – and I was checked in, freshened up, and hanging with my roommate Molly less than 30 minutes after we landed. WINNING.

Approximately 30 seconds after that, I won an iPad. Yeah, no kidding. There was a booth for RetailMeNot (which I used and love and recommended BEFORE they rocked my socks with the iPad) down at the exhibitor hall and they had one of those money blower tank things – like on Ellen, where you stuff cash in your bra – except you had to stuff Monopoly money through a slot into a little box. I was doing not a very good job and figured I’d be lucky to get $5 and a water bottle when the guy working the booth outside the tank made kind of a funny face and then my 30 seconds was over and when I stepped out he said “I think someone just won an iPad.” ME. ME IS THE ONE WHO WON AN IPAD.

(True fact: I have an iPad. The fate of this one is still up in the air. Go ahead and start sucking up, family members. Christmas is coming.)

Thursday night was a party sponsored by Clever Girls, one of the networks I belong to. I enjoyed the free champagne. I enjoyed it SO MUCH in fact, that I agreed to be in a contest that involved dancing to Smurf This Way (as in Walk This Way changed to be more smurf-friendly). I was smurfing terrible, but my team was awesome.

Me, Jill, Blair, Mae

On Friday I had scheduled myself pretty thin and ended up sort of alone for most of the morning. Ok, so not ALONE – it’s hard to be alone when you’re surrounded by 3,600 bloggers. But besides sitting with Suz in a session and hanging with Amy whenever I got a chance I spent a lot of time anxiously asking if anyone was sitting here and attempting to charm people who instantly forgot my name. I’m proud I put myself out there a little bit, but it took so much energy and courage I felt like I’d been hit by a bus by dinner. Although getting to meet Elmo (the real, no kidding Sesame Street Elmo with a hand up his butt, not some guy in an Elmo suit) and chatting with Morgan were high moments. Morgan wins at being able to talk to someone she barely knows for a full hour without once visibly rolling her eyes at my… uh… enthusiasm.

Sesame Street Session on being more fun on your BLAAAAAHG

My kid is carrying this photo around going "WOOOOOW". I swear to you he doesn't even know who Elmo IS but he can tell I'm special.

P.S. That is totally by baby-snatcher face. I TOLD you I wasn’t cool.

Friday night I went to some parties and drank a little too much and got a hideous (fake) tattoo that said “Bad Girl” and made a fool of myself in a pedicab by not recognizing a famous blogger and then I threw myself at two MORE famous bloggers who were incredibly kind and gracious despite my slightly tipsy state. I also met Maile, the creator of my gorgeous camera bag, during the ONLY MOMENT of the weekend when I wasn’t carrying it. I almost fell over dead and shouted at her about how I LOVED MY BAG and DID SHE SEE THE PICTURE OF MY BABY IN IT? IT WAS ON TWITTER! I TWEETED IT! DID SHE SEE IT?? DID SHE? REMEMBER????

And then, Sparklecorn.

I don't even LIKE sparkly vampires

That's the CAKE. It was 4 feet tall.

I ran up on stage to show off my skillz.You know the phrase "dance as if no one is watching"? THAT.

Me and my ridiculous eyeshadow when I accosted Amalah, my all time favorite blogger. She had a baby approximately 5 minutes ago and was too gorgeous and gracious for words.

And like Amy (who took all these pictures) said, this one sort of sums up the whole night:

That’s Kim, from Dirty Diaper Laundry. She was really fun. And very tolerant of me.

Despite a very very late night (especially considering the time difference) I made it to my 7 am workout with Bob Harper. My thighs are STILL burning. After his session and the Q&A during breakfast it was easy to see why he was picked as a trainer for the Biggest Loser. “Charming” isn’t nearly strong enough of a word – it was more like he glamored all of us into thinking “Wow, I DO want oatmeal for breakfast! And I want to run a 5k! And make better choices!”

Motivating us. With his HOTNESS.

The rest of Saturday was much more chill than Friday. I got my make-up done in the Daisy Cottage Cheese suite and she covered my dark circles with some sort of MAGIC that made everyone tell me I looked great. Then I got a massage and a coupon for a free automatic toilet bowl cleaner thing, both of which made me feel very relaxed. (Because obviously I spend a lot of time stressed about my dirty bowls)(I’m not even joking). I attended a session on being a professional blogger and pretended I was, indeed, a professional blogger. I don’t think I fooled anyone.

Then I went to the Queen Bee Handmade Market, which gets its own post later.

But the best part was dinner, arranged by Eileen, who planned ahead and made reservations for us at The Marble Room where we all got a chance to SIT DOWN and TALK and just really enjoy getting to know a few new people and finally connect with some long-time virtual friends.

The restaurant used to be a brothel. I heard the bathroom was decorated with naked ladies.

Bottom left: Diana and my lovely roommate Molly

By Saturday night it was all I could do to drag myself back home, put on a clean dress and make an appearance at the parties so I could a) see the people I hadn’t yet run into and b) say goodbye to all the women I’m going to miss the crap out of. Then I stuffed my extra suitcase with swag and collapsed into bed so I could get up for the Longest Travel Day Ever In The World. Stupid flight delays.

I think the biggest thing I learned at BlogHer is that no matter what you expect it to be, you will be wrong. In my high-anxiety moments I pictured myself alone in a corner, being totally snubbed by everyone I like online. In my most optimistic moments, I imagined I would be instantly and completely loved by every single person I saw and I would have sponsors throwing free things at me and my amazing blog. I think in the end I made a good impression on a lot of people, made a fool of myself in front of some people, and annoyed a few people. I met half a dozen Super Internet Famous Big Time Bloggers and they were all extremely nice. I met a few people I am shocked I wasn’t ALREADY internet friends with and a lot more I am hoping to bond with during the next 12 months.

Because I am for sure going back in 2012. Leg hugs for everyone. Even Darth Vader.

Just a TEENY TINY percentage of the women I met and hugged and miss now

My weekly recap of camera photos is officially full term, so even if this is two days late I can’t possibly skip it. Rest assured there are a minimum of BlogHer pictures – those get their own post. Posts. Postsssssssssss.

Sunday:

Reading blogs & watching Shark Week is officially the BEST way to spend a Sunday

Pulling up. EVEN WORSE than the crawling. I swear I'm going to staple her to the ground.

Weight Watchers approved dinner: dijon pork chops. SUPER delicious.

Monday:

I felt guilty I was leaving so I bought them toys. Caroline realizes theres a future in this.

Packing. I brought way too many shoes. The sparkly notebook, however, was a wise choice.

Serious toddler is serious.

Tuesday:

Caroline's fan club at Stroller Strides. I am RUINING this child.

Not yet fried green tomatoes at the CSA.

Disguisting green slime on my feet during my "spa" pedicure. Should have been called a spew pedicure. BA-DUM-CHING.

Wednesday:

Sometimes your sister is so cute you can't stop yourself from hugging her

This is the stupidest playground equipment ever. The kids get to sit on a platform and the parents have to work to turn the super-stiff crank so they move. Playground! Ur doin it rong!

Shoeless Hobo Baby: The Sequel

Thursday:

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go (with plenty of colored fine-tip Sharpies for some unknown reason)

Leeeeeavin' on a jet plane! You're welcome for the earworm BTW.

Taken out the window of a taxi driven by a guy with a death wish going 65 down a highway full of STOPPED TRAFFIC. I win at iPhone photograhy.

Friday:

Things you don't see in Connecticut: tropical streams running through the pool area of a bayfront hotel

View from my hotel room. I told E I think the next time he gets orders we should ask for San Diego. (Five years from now, FYI)

Fire pit, wine, wrappers from two super delicious red velvet cupcakes I shoved into my face hole. This sums up most of BlogHer.

Saturday:

Bob Harper. He was extremely good looking and charming. And also kicked my ass.

Queen Bee Market. It is also going to get an entire post. SO CUTE.

Delicious dinner organize by my friend Eileen. It was so great to sit and chat and drink cocktails at a table with NO HIGHCHAIRS. I ate my weight in fresh ahi tuna.

After an extremely long travel day yesterday I am so happy to be home, although adjusting to normal life is surprisingly hard. Why has no one told me they like my hair? What do you mean my boob tattoo that says “Internets! Hell yea!” is inappropriate for the grocery store? Where are my free Twizzlers? Ah well, back to mom life I go. Until next year. NYC in 2012 Baby!

Did you take any camera phone photos this week? Link up with one or lots using the linky below and grab the code (so it shows on your blog too!) over at Amy’s . It’s really fun!

So as I’ve mentioned a time or twenty bazillionty, I’m going to San Diego for a blogging conference this week. In theory I am there to learn more about how to be an awesome blogger (including a class on proper grammar and sentence structure so maybe I’ll learn to stop using words like “bazillionty”)(or maybe to stop interrupting myself with parenthetical statements)(that one’s probably not going to stick) but mostly I am going so I can finally put faces – and arm hugs – to all the ladies I’ve met through the internet and who are part of my life on a daily basis.

One of my biggest fears for the conference is that I will walk right past someone I desperately wanted to meet and I won’t recognize them. I am TERRIBLE at faces (actually, I’m worse at names, so that’s a whole other level of palm-sweating awfulness) and it gets extra hard because the only pictures I’ve ever seen of some of these women are teeny tiny camera phone pics taken from a super flattering angle and edited heavily with Instagram filters. People don’t generally post pictures of their “oh my God I’m so tired and I miss my kids” face or “wow I sure am hungover why is there no Diet Coke in this hotel!?” face on the internet. Hell, even my very own head shot took 40 rejected pictures (double chin! weird eye thing! too smiley!) and 2 Photoshop filters to look like that. And after dyeing my hair and my eyebrows (twice) AND losing 10 pounds (most of which seems to have come off my neck) I’m not even sure I would recognize MYSELF if I was comparing it to that picture up there on the left.

So to be as helpful and servicey as possible, I used my web cam to take some pictures that might make me easier to recognize. (Just pretend for a second I have legions of fans who are all sitting at home RIGHT NOW figuring out the best way to track me down and ask for my autograph in San Diego. PRETEND.)

This doesn’t just apply to BlogHer, by the way. I look like a weirdo in real life too, so this will be a helpful guide to the many faces of Suzanne you may encounter:

This is what I like to think I will look like when we meet, except with cleaner hair and some mascara.

This is what I WILL look like when we meet, because I’m going to be all OMG I LOVE YOU!

This is what I will look like when I’m trying to read your name tag because even though I read your blog EVERY DAY I totally forgot your real name and am trying not to call you by your kid’s name.

This is what I look like when I am trying to appear friendly and interesting. It’s unfortunate I come across so much like a psychotic baby-snatcher.

(Sidenote: I always thought I was imagining that my right eyebrow was way higher than my left eyebrow but IT TOTALLY IS. My face is lopsided. Great, now I can obsess about it until I accidentally pluck the whole thing out trying to make them even.)

  This is what I look like behind a wine glass <—– most helpful picture in this post

This is what I imagine I will look like in every single party picture taken.

This is my listening face. I know it LOOKS like my bitchface, but I swear I am truly a very nice person. This is also why I only have one friend left from college – I looked like this in all my classes.

(THAT EYEBROW. OMG.)

And this is my sexy dancing face. For some reason I think looking up at the sky is the BEST WAY EVER to look cool while dancing. Really, I’m just trying to avoid eye contact so I can’t see you laughing at me.

So please please pleasepleaseplease, if you see any of those faces, be my friend. I just want to survive BlogHer without making a total fool of myself – or at least be the kind of fool people find endearing rather than running the other way as soon as they see me coming.