I Kind Of Miss Diapers

Scene: Pouring rain. In the van on the entrance ramp to the highway. Two kids in their car seats. You’re  just barely on time for Stroller Strides because you had to pack four zillion snacks, sippy cups, toys, water bottles, crayons and blankets.

Suddenly, you hear a voice from the back seat.

“Mommy, poop potty! Big poop Mommy!”


Option A: Turn around and go home. You’ll have to drive down to the next exit, get back ON the highway, get back OFF the highway, drive back past the hospital during the busiest part of the morning, drag both kids out of the car into the house in the rain.

Cons: Getting wet, hauling kids, being late
Pros: You probably won’t have to scrape poop of the toddler

Option B: Stop at the gas station a few exits down the highway. The bathroom will be of questionable cleanliness and you’ll have to balance a baby on your hip while removing the toddlers shoes, pants and underwear because he refuses to sit on the potty unless entirely bottomless. Then you have to do it all in reverse to go back out in the rain and reload them into the car.

Cons: Getting wet, hauling kids, being late, catching horrible disease from disgusting public restroom
Pros: You probably won’t have to scrape poop off the toddler (but not guaranteed)

Option C: Ask him to hold it. Beg him to hold it. Shout “NO POOPING IN THE CAR!” Sing a made-up-song about how we only poop in the potty. Say “Did you poop? Did you poop? Did you poop?” every 12 seconds the whole way to the mall. UNFORTUNATE TWIST: You forgot to pack extra underpants (or any kind of pants).

Cons: Possible poop scraping, being so tired of the word poop your brain explodes
Pros: On time to class, no extra kid hauling, taking the risk gets your heart racing which practically counts as a bonus morning workout

So, yeah, I thought my life was supposed to get EASIER after potty training. Everyone is always complaining about diapers but let me tell you, THIS IS NOT BETTER. I spend at least two hours a day staring at my kid while he sits on the can, helping him with his pants, wiping his butt or bribing begging him to use the potty BEFORE we leave the house. My Weight Watchers activity tracker should have an option for “potty trained toddler” because if I’m going to be running back and forth to the restroom every single time we go out in public I want to be able to EAT those activity points. Or more accurately, drink those points. Mommy needs a hot cocoa with peppermint schnapps.

For the record, my choice in the earlier scenario was C because I happen to know my kid is a LYING LIARFACE and uses “Poop potty!” as an excuse to get out of the car/stroller when he’s bored. There was no poop scraping. He not only held it until we got to the mall, he told me he didn’t even have to go anymore. No accidents.

So to sum up: I am sick of the word poop and my toddler is incredibly manipulative.

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21 Responses to “I Kind Of Miss Diapers”

  1. molly says:

    Oh my God. I sooooo needed to read this today, Suzanne. Thank you for making me laugh so hard.

  2. Ginger says:

    Yeah. This.

    My kid is just starting potty training, but he’s already figured out that if he yells POTTY, the chances of him getting out of his highchair/out of bed/out of the car/out of time out/etc. is increased 10 fold. I have been late to work every day this week because of it.

    I was not prepared for this.

  3. Veronica says:

    See this is why I dont leave the house. Terrifying scenario. And my youngest walks now so any trip to a restroom that doesnt involve her being strapped to the stroller would end in some sort of germy nastiness.

  4. Kimberly says:

    JD has the manipulation down, too. Except I haven’t taken the diapers totally away yet, so there is the added (bad mommy) option of “just go in your diaper” when we are in the car. There should be a camp where you send your toddler to be trained & they come home pottying like an adult.

    • TMae says:

      ^^^Yes, yes, YES. A thousand times YES.

    • bebehblog says:

      We still do a diaper to sleep (bedtime & naptime) but he WON’T go in it unless he’s fully asleep. Which I guess is awesome as far as being potty trained goes but even on our roadtrip I had to stop EVERY TIME he said he had to go. He’s starting to understand “hold it” so I’m hoping this stage passes quickly.

      • barbra says:

        I have a friend with a 3year old who keeps one of those little kiddie potties in the back of her mini van. No need to unbuckle the baby or turn around to go home. She admitted to me that SHE even used it once when they were stuck on the interstate for four hours. I have to say that when we get to that point with Knox, I will probably consider doing the same.

        • Kimberly says:

          We have one! JD uses it as an excuse to get out of his car seat when we’re driving, and then he sits for 20 minutes trying to squeeze something out. But I am looking forward to using it at the beach this summer because the bathrooms are SO. FAR. from the water.

  5. mandy says:

    why in the hot hell do people get so excited to “not be a slave to diapers” anymore? um, what? i’m sorry, but diapers were easy. EASY. Harper has now decided that if she is bored or tired of being in one place, she has to go potty. yet she can barely squeeze a drop out. YET i can’t ignore her, lest she pisses all over the cart and i traumatize her. playplace? she can hold it for hours. grocery store? must pee every ten minutes. yeah, i’d like to give diapers a hug some days. clean ones, of course.

    anyways, TRUTH. pumping fists Arsenio style right now.

  6. Emily says:

    The twins are like 75% potty trained and hudson has been totally trained
    For about 6 mOnths. Point is its a pain. Hudson is Fine because he literally has never had an accident and goes to the bathroom alone. He takes off his own clothes (he’s also into bottomless) and comes Out by himself. Unless he has to poop. Then he spends 30 minutes in the bathroom complaining about how Pooping isn’t fun and how I need to hang out with him. Lame. But the twins do the manipulation. They will ask to go them pee a teaspoon and 3 minutes later go again. They dole it out so they can suck up my entire day taking them to the bathroom. Apparently peeing is the most fun thing EVER.

  7. Audrey says:

    It gets better. I hated sitting on the bathroom floor while Ev did his thing because he ALWAYS needed help or wanted company. But these days he might say “come on! hurry hurry!” while running to the bathroom however he wants privacy and can do it all himself. With the possible exception of wiping his butt WELL. Still, it’s better.

  8. Robyn says:

    Totally can relate. it is starting to get better though, as she can actually hold it longer on command, but then again, now that she’s such a pro, i usually forget to have her go potty before we leave the house and end up having to stop more often at public places.

  9. Erin says:

    I am so glad you wrote this!!!! I whole-heartedly agree! The biggest obstacle to our success at this point is me saying “ah forget it” when ever we leave the house. We are in that limbo state between fully potty trained at home and not potty trained at all out of the house. But our biggest problem is the daycare. It’s a big place and the bathroom is separate from the room…..all the way on the other side of the building!!! They CAN’T take him enough for it to be anywhere near practical and it is really starting to cause problems. I was hoping that by sending him to school it was going to HELP with the potty training! Not so much!

  10. Sara says:

    Oh my gosh, totally agree! In fact, we went on a 6 hour car ride about a month after my son had been reliably wearing underwear, and I actually put him in a diaper so that we didn’t have to stop ten billion times. Of course, he refused to go in his diaper and I was actually kicking myself as I kept shouting out “It’s ok, just go! Please!”

    And, yeah. About that whole spending hours on the can thing. I sit on the side of the bathtub while my son flips through his magazines page by page by page. He can be finished pooping, but he won’t get up until the magazine is done. I’m sure I waste at least 2 hours a day doing potty related work.

  11. Amanda says:

    Been there, done that. Bedtime was the worst with Madison. She constantly got out of bed saying she had to use the bathroom but instead would lay in the hallway and try to sneak down the stairs. Then we had to do the three strike rule. She could get out of bed 3 times before we would put the child doorknob lock on the inside of her door (of course we took it off before we went to bed!). OH and THEN she would be mad at us so she would flush entire rolls of toilet paper. Crap. I have to go through all that AGAIN.

  12. Amanda says:

    Can you buy a small potty and keep it in the car? That’s what most of my friends with toddlers do, so you don’t have to worry about finding a clean bathroom, or even about taking the baby out of her carseat.

    • Erin says:

      We had one of those when I was a kid. We called it the pink potty. I remember have to use that thing when my parents would take us to find a bathroom. At least that’s how I remember it. I think that make some cool fold up ones now that would be great for that. Plus you have a mini-van so it could be like a giant rolling bathroom! :)

  13. Noelle says:

    I LOVED my potty-in-the-car setup! It saved my sanity on numerous occasions. I cannot recommend it highly enough!

  14. Julie S says:

    I’m in no hurry though because seriously, it takes long enough to run errands as it is without throwing toddler potty time into the mix. bah.

  15. […] it because it’s more “convenient” for me. (And really, after reading my friend Suzanne’s post about a potty-trained toddler, I’m not so sure it’s more […]

  16. Leigh Ann says:

    This is EXACTLY why I waited so long to potty train my twins, other than the fact that the task terrified me. Diapers were just too easy! But now they’ve been trained for a good 5 months now and it’s golden.

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