Since when is Barbie such a slut? I mean, you always knew those Bratz dolls were up to know good, what with their weird names and their giant heads, but Barbie? Not at all what I remember. My plans to buy a whole bag full of cute Barbie clothes for a doll-loving 3-year old were totally derailed when they all looked like Julia Roberts’ hooker outfit from Pretty Woman. Not a single one covered Barbie’s midriff (midriff? apparently I am 72 years old) and the skirts were more appropriate for a pelvic exam than playing in the dream house.

I’ve always been more in the “I loved my Barbies and I turned out OK” camp than the “Oh noes unrealistic standards of beauty!!” camp, but my Barbies? NOT LIKE THESE. Ballerina Barbie’s tutu covered more than three of those outfits combined. My dreams for my (imaginary) daughter don’t include explaining to her that just because you can’t see your belly button doesn’t mean it’s gone. I wonder if my mother felt the same way when Grandma totally undermined her attempts to keep me out of the OW MY EYES PINK aisles at the toy store by giving me my first Barbie? Don’t worry Mom, I think I turned out OK.