Consider this fair warning if you come over and find me half-naked and shoeless at my house. Or, you know, at Target.

Things I am too pregnant for:

– Pants. Of any kind, including most yoga/sweat pants.
– Shoes. Thank God it’s been mild(ish) enough for flip-flips because my slip-on shoes make my feet STINKY.
– Shaving my legs, especially above the knee. But my armpits are nice and smooth!
– Cooking. Last time I almost set my belly on fire. This time it sticks out EVEN MORE and I’m in constant danger of resting it directly on a stove burner.
– Kidney stones. Hell, EVERYONE ON THE PLANET is too pregnant for kidney stones. Stupid f***ers.
– My laptop. I have no lap.
– Sitting up.
– Lying down.
– Walking.
– Carrying things. Especially toddlers. Especially on stairs.
– Eating more than baby-bird sized portions of food. My stomach is so squished from the inside I can’t eat more than a couple bites before I’m stuffed.
– Cravings. It’s no fun to “let” myself eat a whole bag of jelly beans when it just makes me feel like crap.
– Bending over. Which rules out most forms of cleaning.
– Sleeping.
– Walking downstairs to pee every two hours all night. I am currently considering all forms of adult diapers and/or bedpans.
– Marital activities. Not that E’s going to be all that interested once I’m wearing my Depends. (Sorry Mom)(And, uh, sorry to you too E.)

and

– Caring that ANY OF THE ABOVE leaves me pantless, shoeless, hairy, sexless, lazy, stinky and with a hungry, dirty family who is probably just as ready for me to stop being pregnant as I am.

36 WEEKS 4 DAYS PREGNANT AND I’M READY TO HEAR YOUR BEST BRING-ON-THE-LABOR SUGGESTIONS. Mine last time? Not so much.