Hobo Baby Has Been Replaced With Hobo Mama

Consider this fair warning if you come over and find me half-naked and shoeless at my house. Or, you know, at Target.

Things I am too pregnant for:

– Pants. Of any kind, including most yoga/sweat pants.
– Shoes. Thank God it’s been mild(ish) enough for flip-flips because my slip-on shoes make my feet STINKY.
– Shaving my legs, especially above the knee. But my armpits are nice and smooth!
– Cooking. Last time I almost set my belly on fire. This time it sticks out EVEN MORE and I’m in constant danger of resting it directly on a stove burner.
– Kidney stones. Hell, EVERYONE ON THE PLANET is too pregnant for kidney stones. Stupid f***ers.
– My laptop. I have no lap.
– Sitting up.
– Lying down.
– Walking.
– Carrying things. Especially toddlers. Especially on stairs.
– Eating more than baby-bird sized portions of food. My stomach is so squished from the inside I can’t eat more than a couple bites before I’m stuffed.
– Cravings. It’s no fun to “let” myself eat a whole bag of jelly beans when it just makes me feel like crap.
– Bending over. Which rules out most forms of cleaning.
– Sleeping.
– Walking downstairs to pee every two hours all night. I am currently considering all forms of adult diapers and/or bedpans.
– Marital activities. Not that E’s going to be all that interested once I’m wearing my Depends. (Sorry Mom)(And, uh, sorry to you too E.)

and

– Caring that ANY OF THE ABOVE leaves me pantless, shoeless, hairy, sexless, lazy, stinky and with a hungry, dirty family who is probably just as ready for me to stop being pregnant as I am.

36 WEEKS 4 DAYS PREGNANT AND I’M READY TO HEAR YOUR BEST BRING-ON-THE-LABOR SUGGESTIONS. Mine last time? Not so much.

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11 Responses to “Hobo Baby Has Been Replaced With Hobo Mama”

  1. lalaland13 says:

    I’ve never shaved my legs above the knee since my first shave at 12 or 13. For whatever that’s worth.

    You could order in from this place. You might be out of their delivery range, though.

    http://www.lilsugar.com/Where-Find-Pregnancy-Pizza-11037886

    Good luck! Hoping you don’t go past your due date this time, and not just because I guessed your due date.

  2. Kim says:

    I tried everything- raspberry leaf tea, primrose oil, eggplant parm, super spicy Mexican, bouncing on the ball…-and finally (when the dr. said she couldn’t let me go any later, & I would have to report to the hospital to be induced the next morning), after waddling about 4 miles pushing JD in a stroller & dragging the dog, baby O decided he was ready. I think I googled bring-on-the-labor suggestions twice a day hoping I would find something new :P

  3. Um, I voted for December 25th so she needs to stay put until then. Bring on the depends!!

  4. Londonmum says:

    uggghhhh i sympathise. That last week/couple of week just sucks. It is just not fun being pregnant anymore at that stage. I also tried ALL the old wives tales and not one worked. I guess they just come out when they are ready. At least if E reads your post you’ll have an excellent reason not to do any of the things above. Hang on in there!

  5. Robyn says:

    i tried most of that stuff too. the only thing tha worked was the threat of being induced. as soon as my induction date was scheduled, i went into labor that night.

  6. Natalie says:

    Marital relations. As much as I didn’t want to even think of going there, my doctor said it was a tried and true method. Apparently the stuff in the stuff is the same stuff that causes you to go into labor. I hope that was clean enough.

    I wore this big huge stretchy skirt for the last month of my pregnancy or a nightgown. EVERY DAY. I saved it too, because I’m afraid I’ll never find one as comfy.

    I also wore flip flops from about 5 months pregnant until I birthed them, but I had my babies in Southern California and in the summer & fall.

    Also: Please watch the end of Season 8 of Friends. It always helped make me feel better to see someone on tv being as miserable as I was, even if she was obviously really not pregnant, because she still looked so.freaking.good. Phoebe’s pregnancy was more believable (probably b/c she really was pregnant, but I digress).

    “Come out. Come out Come Out Come OUT COME OUT!”

  7. Barbra says:

    nothing worked for me either. at my 36 week check, I was >1cm dilated and zero effaced. I was so uncomfortable, that I actually resumed marital relations with my husband. I tell you, nothing made him feel sexier than being seduced with “honey, you need to soften me up!” At my 38 week check up, I had not progressed. at. all. I asked my dr. when would I go into labor and he smiled and said “sometime between tomorrow and 3 weeks from now”. I asked what the likelihood of it being tomorrow and he just laughed and said very slim. my water broke at 7am the very next morning.
    i guess the point is I don’t think it matters what you do or don’t do, it can literally happen at any time.
    I don’t think you have anything to be ashamed of being pantsless and shoeless. You have earned it. I couldn’t get away with being pantsless at work, but I did go shoeless and wore my husband’s black jammy pants with the leg cuffs safety pinned up.

  8. Is it bad that I’m no longer pregnant, yet this list still pretty much applies??

  9. Abby says:

    For the love of GOD, do not try castor oil. I was three days overdue with my daughter and was beyond desperate, so I tried it as a last resort. Sweet lord, the pooping. And cramping. And LACK OF LABOR. I spent five hours in the bathroom and all I had to show for it was a trip to the store for more toilet paper. She came out five days later with nothing technically “inducing” her to come.

    Never commented before, but I love your blog.

  10. FoxyMomma says:

    the thing that worked with me was drinking raspberry leaf tea & walking on the treadmill. i walked for 30 mins every day the last week.. going from 0% incline to 7% incline & no faster than 3 mph. if i tried to go faster, i felt like the bottom of my stomach was going to rip open.

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