Reality Strikes Back

I’ve gotten a lot of feedback from the Twitter Home Tour (and thank you to everyone who stopped by) but I don’t think anyone bothered to read my disclaimer. Guys, my house is not clean. It’s not even KIND OF clean. I actually think I’ve scared all my real life friends out of ever inviting Baby Evan and me over for a playdate because they’re afraid I’ll judge their houses based on the TOTAL LIES in my post. Not only did I move crap around like crazy for those pictures, I took them in such a way that hid most of the dirt. Notice the total lack of close-ups on…anything. If you could SEE the actual, visible dirt on my floors and the pet hair on every horizontal surface in the house you would feel a lot – A LOT – better about your own housekeeping. No one would ask me how I find the time for everything, or how I keep it all together or wonder if I’m secretly a speed freak who doesn’t every sleep because she’s too busy baking pies and hunting down glass chickens on Ebay.

And so, in the interest of honesty and for the sake of Baby Evan’s social life, please enjoy a little more reality.

My real kitchen

This isn’t actually my kitchen when it’s dirty. This is what I consider CLEAN. There are only some dishes in the sink. MOST of the ingredients from dinner last night are put away. All the junk is to the right of the stove, which is where the junk goes, and thus it is considered put away.

The reason there are dishes in the sink is because there were SO MANY I couldn't fit them all in the dishwasher.

I suppose complaining about my lack of counter space when I use it this ineffectively makes me a whiny bee-yotch but guuuuuuys, where am I supposed to put this stuff? And don’t say “away” because that’s TOTALLY FULL of crap too.

And then there's THIS.

Mere hours after I posted the home tour, E decided it was time to get moving on the First Annual Rewiring Of A Really Old House Because We Need To Move ONE Outlet. Because the previous owners (always read as: preeeeeevious owwwwwwwners while shaking fist at sky) painted over wallpaper – textured wallpaper – what should have been a  20 minute project now involves scraping, sanding, patching, spackling, and painting the WHOLE KITCHEN. So I’m living in a construction zone. The dust, it is epic.

More junk.

Here we have three – count ’em – diaper bags, none of which I am currently using; a pile of unread magazines that date back to January that I can’t bring myself to throw away (or better yet, STOP SUBSCRIBING TO IDIOT YOU DON’T READ THEM ANYWAYS); my knitting bag; a dirty glass from two days ago and some trash. All things sitting (as in, currently, as I type this) right next to my couch. Besides the trash, that’s actually where this stuff goes.

Ah yes, the crowning joy of my decorating.

That right there is a genuine early 21st century early childhood entertainment device and tactile experience. Someday it will be a real collector’s item. That is, if the cats don’t get to it first. A smart person probably wouldn’t leave it inflated in the middle of her house all the time. Too bad smart people don’t live here.

Also, for the record, we eat far more fast food than is wise, I’ve never (literally, never) vacuumed our bedroom, I currently have laundry in every stage except for “clean and put away”, half the plants I bought are still sitting unplanted on my porch, I haven’t showered or brushed my hair today and tonight I fully plan to sit on my ass watching 30 Rock instead of doing any of those things.

So please, friends and readers, don’t shun me for what you see on the internet. It is full of lies.

Related posts:

Foooooooooooood
Sneak Peak
Filler

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11 Responses to “Reality Strikes Back”

  1. Amanda says:

    See and I thought I was a slob because I just realized as we are getting ready to move 3 1/2 years after we moved in that I have NEVER EVER EVER EVER washed the curtains in any room of my house. Are you supposed to do that?

  2. Sarah says:

    Yeah, but all of the pretty stuff is underneath there somewhere, which means you are way ahead of me. It’s so bad over here, I’m actually tempted to paint over the wallpaper myself. In the rooms where the previous owner didn’t do it himself, of course. See, I need your help!

  3. I. Love. You.

    You have officially made me feel better, since our house is *exactly* the same way… and you’ll never catch me posting a picture of laundry mountain!

  4. brigidkeely says:

    So check it out. Me and a friend of mine are starting a business making slings and baby bags, and one of the things we are planning on doing is hosting a sling thing where parents come over and try out actual physical slings we make, and see what feels good and fits etc. And it’d probably be in my house, because we have more usable space than my business partner does and are in a nicer neighborhood and have more parking and my partner’s home is currently storing stuff from his grandma’s estate and his husband’s… some family member’s estate. So it’s cluttered and crowded.

    We don’t have a ceiling in our bathroom.

    I… should probably fix that before inviting potential customers over to sell them things, right? Right?

  5. Audrey says:

    w00t! I am giving you the Honest Scrap award because you share so very very much about your life and deserve a little recognition. Deets on my blog post this evening. :)

  6. sarrible says:

    I am coming over to play in your living room ball pit.

  7. That ball pit makes me want to come up for a visit SOOO BAD!!! (Reid would have so much fun I didn’t even care that Sara just posted the same thing :)

  8. @ Amanda — oh crap! It didn’t even occur to me that you were even supposed to wash curtains! I guess that means I’ve never done it in ANY house (apartment, etc.). I guess your aren’t supposed to just replace them when they start to look dirty???? Oops!

  9. MKP says:

    haahahaha. I’m so in love with that inflatable ball pit I kind of can’t even type straight. Here’s to never vacuuming, swiffering, dusting or in anyway removing stuff from my room that isn’t outright garbage.

  10. Christy says:

    I never every vacuum our bedroom either. Well now that our bedroom door is in the livingroom sometimes I will vacuum the little square of carpet that you can see through the doorway but that is pretty rare.

    Wait, you are suppose to wash curtains? Yeah that never happens in my house.

  11. Christa says:

    Ahaha, awesome! Makes me think of Paloma’s room, which is getting close to finished. When it’s done, I’m going to stage it and take some sweet pics. Of course, five minutes later, those photos will have no bearing on actual reality!

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