My hospital has a Baby Lojack system. No, really. All babies get an ankle bracelet with an electronic chip in it. If someone tries to take the baby out of the birthing center, all the door automatically lock down and an alarm goes off. I’m happy to know no one will be wandering off with my newborn, but being trapped in that one wing of the hospital for several days might drive me to “test” their system.

In addition to the ankle bracelet, the baby nursery is locked at all times, you aren’t allowed to carry a baby around outside your room unless it’s in the hospital bassinet, and everyone – baby, mom and dad – get matching serial numbers on a wristband. The nurses check the numbers on a regular basis to make sure you’ve got YOUR baby.

My birthing instructor assured us that this hospital has never had any “accidents” with missing or stolen babies. I was tempted to ask how one “accidentally” steals a baby but didn’t want to be a smart ass to anyone who could potentially be involved with my future pain relief.

One of the reasons I still read the iVillage message boards is for the unintentional laughs. In a discussion on ways to help and overdue baby make an appearance, all the usually suggestions were made: spicy food, caster oil, nipple stimulation, and having sex. The last one seems to be at least kind of scientific, since semen contains prostaglandins, a hormone that can help thin the cervix and start labor. But one pregnant woman said “Oh I heard about prostaglandins! My husband says they even work orally.”

A quick Google search assures me that this is a) not true and b) this dude better pray no one tells his wife he was lying.