Blood in the umbilical cord travels at 4 miles an hour.

(This was the first slide of the PowerPoint at birthing class. I’m hoping we get one every week so I can use the phrase “fetal fun fact” again)

I stopped by my old job yesterday to say hi and see how they managed to stay in business without me (answer: the one other person who actually does stuff works twice as hard for no pay) and the first woman I saw said “Oh look! You’ve gained so much weight!” And pointed at my FACE. Gee, thanks lady. Were you aware that sort of thing tends to happen with pregnancy? She might be an idiot but I felt like a whale. I had apples and yogurt for lunch, baked chicken for dinner, and did the harder of my two prenatal workout DVDs.

This morning I had trouble walking. Although I am sure birthing squats are good for me, my thighs just aren’t prepared for that much work. But since I cannot face my doctor’s scale on Thursday without at least trying to work out, I dragged my sore ass to the Y for some laps in the pool. While I was floating around in the nice warm water I felt great. Letting the water support my belly was like instantly losing 50 pounds. And my maternity tankini is still adorable.

But now that I’m back on land, even sitting on the couch hurts. I am also unreasonably thirsty – which may or may not be related – but every time I take even a tiny sip of water I have to get up and pee. The 20 feet from my couch to the bathroom are the longest 20 feet in the world. I am about five minutes away from a pair of Depends. Luckily, there is no where I have to be until Thursday. And if my doctor says I’ve gained another five pounds and did I know walking twenty minutes a day or eating more vegetables is good for me I will cry until she takes it back and swears what my baby really needs is more jelly beans.

I forgot to mention that my birthing class talked a lot about pain management techniques that involved breathing, moving around, different positions, using the birthing ball, and spending as little time as possible lying in bed on your back. We’re doing a whole class on it next week. I’m happy to know the hospital – and my doctor – are supportive of that kind of thing. Even though I’m planning on an epidural at some point, I’ve read and heard a lot about how all those things can make labor up until medication a lot more bearable. And most of the horrible “I was forced into a C-section I didn’t want by a doctor who didn’t want to miss tee time” stories come from the kind of un-woman-friendly practices that think the proper place of a woman in labor is in a bed with stirrups.