During my pregnancy I became a message board stalker, joining and following several groups meant for pregnant women and new moms. I would love to comment and participate more but unfortunately I don’t speak message board. It’s like a whole language of abbreviations that stand for euphemisms or phrases normal people don’t even use. Don’t believe me? Try to translate the following:

I’m a FTM and I need some help from you BTDT moms. I just started BC because DH is dying to DTD and I don’t want to see that BFP yet – DD is only 10 weeks! Unfortunately, I think it might be affecting my supply. DD is EBF but for the last couple days she seems to still be hungry even after nursing for 45 minutes! I’ve only been on BC for a week and haven’t seen AF. FWIW my sister said she had the same problem with her DS and ended up FF. I really want to avoid that. Do you have any suggestions!?

If I hadn’t just made that whole thing up, I’d have no friggin idea what it said. I know being a new mom is exhausting but is it really too exhausting for words?

12 Responses to “WTF”

  1. Brigid says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I first read FTM as “Female To Male” as in someone who was transgender.

    FTM is full time mom.
    BTDT is Been There Done That
    BC is birth control (I use that one)
    DH is Dick Head or Darling Husband
    DTD is do the dance? That’s fancy talk for “fuck” for people who aren’t skittish twelve year olds
    BFP is “big fat positive,” a positive sign on a pregnancy urine test
    DD is darling daughter
    EBF is… Entirely Breast Fed? My first thought was “edit buck featen” (instead of “edit fuck beaten” or EFB when someone posts something on a message board before your post, but you don’t see the post until later)
    AF is “aunt flo” or “my period,” as those who, again, aren’t skittish twelve year olds might put it
    FWIW is For What It’s Worth
    DS is a nintendo console. I mean Darling Son
    FF is Formula Fed, or the Fantastic Four

    I hate those pregnancy acronyms. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE. And all the cutesy word substitutes like “baby dance” for “sex” and the like. “Aunt Flo” for “Period.”

  2. Brigid says:

    PS if some people classify themselves as Full Time Moms, can I get downgraded to Part Time Momhood? Because I don’t know if I can handle these hours. So I would like to either cut back my Mom hours or else get a promotion and raise.

  3. sarrible says:

    I would’ve guessed First Time Mom, but honestly I was just so horrified that I understood any of it I just finished my BC pack and washed it down with the rest of my glass of wine. I think it’s the Dear Husband/Son/Daughter acronyms that make me sickest. They make me think of Dear Leader Kim Jong Il.

  4. I saw “FTM” and, like Brigit, immediately thought “female to male” transgender.

  5. Audrey says:

    I thought FTM was First Time Mom?

    The fact that they have to provide keys so newcomers can translate the lingo is the funniest part to me.

  6. Erin (i dont have a fake name :( ) says:

    I’m with Sara. I really hate the darling husband/daughter/son crap. NO ONE SAYS THAT!!!! Never once have I referred to my husband as my darling husband and I’m sure I would never say that about my son either. No one talks like that, so I don’t understand why the abbreviation gets perpetuated. Who is deciding that THAT is what people should type on message boards???

  7. bebehblog says:

    FTM is “first time mom” although the first few times I saw it I thought “female to male” too!
    DTD is supposed to be “do the deed”, which is slightly less bad than “do the dance”, although still a stupid abbreviation for sex.
    EBF is “exclusively breast fed” but “entirely” works too.

    My least favorite is BFP. It seriously took me WEEKS to figure out what it stood for. I don’t know why that’s the abbreviation for a positive pregnancy test – wouldn’t PPT make SO MUCH MORE sense?

  8. lalaland13 says:

    I understand some of that, which was scary. I don’t see why some people can’t call it “FH” for “fuckin’ husband” although wait, that also means “future husband,” which I know from a wedding board I frequent sometimes (as does the bride that I am ushering for next month. Yes, that’s my excuse).

    Does anyone ever say ATF? For abort this fetus? No, I didn’t think so. “My FH got me BFP! I need an ATF! Anyone know of a good BK?”

  9. breamworthy says:

    It scares me that I could pretty much read that whole thing without blinking.

    But yes, those message board abbreviations are gross. It’s funny when you participate but deliberately don’t use them. You can say “My partner didn’t want to have sex last night…” and everyone will be like “Why didn’t your DH want to BD?”

    But I shudder to admit that I use them occasionally, to make it a bit easier to ask questions, etc., since that’s what the community expects. I feel so dirty now.

  10. breamworthy says:

    …and speaking of being skittish twelve-year-olds, I just read a message on a “TTC” board where someone referred to her nipples as “my hooties’ tips”. Are you fucking kidding me?

  11. AGreenEyeDevil says:

    Lala, you crack me up w/that last line! I don’t feel so bad about my use of LOLCat speak now. Thank you Suzanne!

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