1. Wiping the baby’s poop off the baby.

2. Wiping the baby’s poop off myself.

3. Wiping the baby’s poop off the dog after he eats the diaper I left on the carpet while I rush the toddler to the potty.

4. Wiping the toddler after he doesn’t quite make it to the potty because I was yelling at the dog.

5. Scrubbing the hot dog juice off the baby’s head after she dumps her brother’s plate on herself.

6. Scrubbing ketchup out of everything in the family room.

7. Wiping down the high chair so next time I can feed the toddler out of reach of the baby.

8. Washing faces before nap time so I don’t have to wash all the pillows AFTER nap time.

9. Picking up whatever that thing was the dog just threw up on the floor.

10. Giving myself a hooker bath because I haven’t taken a real shower in three days and right now I am choosing to nap instead.

Today, I am thankful for baby wipes.

I am currently trapped in single parent limbo. E is at another training school, learning how to be boss/manager/den mother to his new division which means I’m at home being boss/manager/actual mother to two extremely demanding babies. Caroline is teething and Little Evan is two-and-a-half, which means they both need me 24/7. In case you need help with that math (maybe you too have only gotten three hours of sleep each night this week!) that’s TWO kids who need me constantly and only ONE of me. I either need another set of hands or a maid, because with no back up parent to take over at 5 pm I’ve given up even PRETENDING to care about the state of my floors (disgusting) or if my candy wrappers are overflowing the trash can (they are). If we’re all still alive on Friday afternoon I’m calling this week a win…although now there’s a chance E won’t be coming home on the weekends and I’m freaking out just a little bit so let’s just pretend that’s NOT a possibility and I will DEFINITELY get to sleep in on Sunday and someone else can unload the dishwasher for the love of God why are there so many dishes when we’ve eaten nothing but Nutella on toast for three days?

I was one screaming fit away from my own screaming fit when I achieved Nirvana: dual naps with maximum overlap. You better believe I took a nap of my own and woke up feeling so much better I managed to prep and freeze three different (healthy!) meals for the coming week. The kitchen looks like a bomb went off and the dog refuses to eat the rest of the puffs Caroline threw off the high chair while I was cooking and my throat is sore from singing the Bubble Guppies song at the top of my lungs to keep Evan entertained but WE WILL NOT STARVE. Or even die of a hazelnut and cocoa sugar coma.

So when I say I am thankful for naps, I really really mean it.

Today I am thankful for our family, in duck form (which Little Evan lined up and named all by himself during bath time)

There’s a thing in the month of November called “National Novel Writing Month” where people who are writing novels all get together to motivate each other and write 50,000 words during the month. It sounds impossible to me (especially because my first and only attempt at a novel was 200 words about a fictional version of myself sitting on a plane. I was wearing a scarf. The stranger next to me was mysterious. AREN’T YOU JUST DYING TO READ IT NOW?) so I won’t be participating. But some genius came up with the idea to also make November “National Blog Posting Month” which is something I CAN get on board with, although for me that’s not much of a challenge. I post an average of 27 times a month, and have for almost the entire time I’ve been blogging. And yet I STILL WON’T SHUT UP.

Instead of JUST planning to post something every single day, I am going to combine NaBloPoMo with being thankful which is an idea I got from Nick Jr I really love. I lean towards whininess in my online life (and my real life) and it’s about time I shake some of that negativity off. So for November I’ll be posting about something I am thankful for every day. Sunshine! Rainbows! Unicorns! Oh God the energy it’s taking to be that positive is making me exhausted already – especially since it is 8:55 on November 1st and I haven’t yet published this post. It is DAY ONE and I am already behind. Best blogger ever???

Don’t worry, I have all sorts of excuses. My computer is broken, the kids won’t let me use the iPad when either of them is awake (what is WITH that?! is there a sticky-finger-magnet in the screen or something?!), and I’ve been up since 5 am without a single adult conversation besides “cash or credit?” while running errands. There’s also a 55 lb bag of dog food in the back of my car I really need to get into the house but OMG 55 POUNDS IS A LOT OF POUNDS. Maybe I can just lock the dog in the van every time he needs to eat for the next couple weeks until it gets lighter? That’s either a totally genius idea or just about the laziest bullshit I’ve ever come up with.

But right now both kids are sleeping, I’m wearing my comfy pants and I have a whole bag of Milky Ways left over from trick-or-treaters to keep me company and help sooth the rough edges from a stressful day.

So today I am thankful for candy.