Deep Rambling Thoughts

I know I promised birthday pictures but for the first time ever I managed to actually enjoy a party without a camera glued to my face, so I have to wait until my super awesome BFF sends me the ones she took. I mean, I paid her absolutely nothing and ignored her the whole day and made her help prep all the food and didn’t let her drive home with her toddler until the middle of the night but GEEZE, how come she hasn’t uploaded the 1,000 pictures she took in the 12 hours she’s been home? Obviously I need a new best friend. Or maybe she needs a new best friend.

So until I can get all the dinosaurific details together, I thought I’d put up a quick post. Something light. Something fluffy. Like how I’ve been thinking a lot about how much I enjoy having 2 toddlers and no babies and maybe babies are kind of a lot of work and wouldn’t it be nice if I didn’t have to go through the tiny helpless infant stage anymore so maybe I don’t want any more babies?

Even saying that to myself seems kind of insane – I’ve ALWAYS wanted more than 2 kids. When I was little I imagined having a huge family. E and I have always planned to have at least 3, maybe 4, maybe more if we talking about it after a few glasses of wine. We already have names picked out – not a list, mind you, but actual names that are set for future kids.

But having 2 toddlers is fantastic. I am in love with these two kids at these two ages, both as individuals and as siblings. They love each other a heart-breaking amount. And they play together! Independent of me! I can get stuff done even when they are both awake! They eat food and sleep through the night (mostly) and can communicate their needs and help me with toddler-appropriate chores and sit still when I read them books. I like all those things. They’re getting to an age where we could go on a vacation as a family and it would actually feel like a vacation instead of a series of disasters interspersed with forced fun. And as cliché as it sounds, having a boy and a girl somehow feels kind of…complete. It’s a matched set! (So so so kidding.)

Luckily, I’m allowed to feel like this for a little while before I have to decide if I REALLY feel like this or if I’m just drunk with sleep and freedom. When I think about what not having any more kids means – never being pregnant again, never nursing again, never having all those baby firsts again – I’m definitely not ready to be done. But maybe I’m done for now. The problem is defining “for now” – 6 months? 12 months? Until Caroline goes to preschool? Until Little Evan is old enough to babysit? That’s a big range of “for now”. Which is OK! I have time to think Deep Thoughts about babies and toddlers and family size and what my life would be like with 2 kids or 3 kids or 10 kids. It’s just been on my mind a lot lately because I’m coming up on one of those big life events where you waste a bunch of energy thinking about all the stuff you haven’t done yet in life and realize you never will be a ballerina or a professional furniture restorer or a chef or a supermodel or a writer for SNL or best friends with Britney Spears and maybe that’s making me a little sad.

Yep, tomorrow I turn 30.

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15 Responses to “Deep Rambling Thoughts”

  1. Robyn says:

    The good thing is, you are still young enough to wait a couple years, enjoy your freedom, and then start round two and have two more close together like Evan and Caroline! I hear ya, though. Rory is so much easier right now than she has ever been and the thought that we’ll be starting all over again in a few short weeks, makes me really think we’ll be done after this next one. But then I think about never feeling a baby move inside me again and I start to think maybe three kids would be good…I guess it’s good that i don’t have to make this decision any time soon, lol.

  2. Leah says:

    The 30s are fun! It’s the official start of your Too-old-for-this-shit-not-giving-a-damn stage of life. It’s GLORIOUS.

  3. jen_schoeph says:

    we are sitting in “do we have another baby” limbo. we’ve been sitting in it for a while now. like you, we have one of each & it’s like a perfect, but unperfect, harmony. we are almost finished potty training our second & when that’s fully finished i feel we will have reached the light at the end of the tunnel. it is nice to be able to go places without lugging all the baby gear. it’s nice to go on vacations & even to friend’s houses and not be bound by a schedule of a baby. BUT i just don’t know if we’re done. sometimes i can picture another baby/kid in our house. another one to bring so much joy. another one to love. if the decision was entirely up to me, we would have already had a 3rd but alas it’s not all my decision. haha.

    happy {early} 30th birthday!!

    • bebehblog says:

      E has started asking when we’re going to have another but not with any urgency. If one of us felt MORE strongly in either direction this would be harder AND easier. But the limbo just leads to so much thinking.

  4. Swistle says:

    I love this kind of discussion. It’s so hard to decide—but I think it’s the “win-win” nature of it that makes it stay fun: there are so many good things about stopping at two, and so many good things about having more.

    30 is a very “evaluate/re-evaluate” kind of birthday! My friends and I celebrated it with silly/fun presents, like pink purses.

    • bebehblog says:

      It IS win-win, that’s the perfect word.

      • barbra says:

        win-win is a fabulous perspective – we only have one and I kinda sorta want another. but there are so many great things about having only one. and there would be so many great things about having two.

  5. Ginny Lynn says:

    I feel you on 30th birthday thing. Mine is in August and I’m totally going through the same thing, thinking about what I haven’t done and what I might not be able to do. And all the things I still want to do, or maybe do. I’m trying to combat it by thinking about all the things that I HAVE done and how wonderful my two kids are, and how lucky I am to have a wonderful family…some days it works to distract me from being depressed about turning 30 and some days it doesn’t :) Why is 30 such a big deal anyway? Arghhh! I read an article the other day someplace that said 33 is the happiest age….so we still have the best to look forward to! I’m so glad I found you again after so long, even if we don’t communicate often. I love your blog and look forward to it daily. Happy Birthday (tomorrow)!

    • bebehblog says:

      Thank you so much Ginny! I love that we are back in touch after so many years – isn’t the internet amazing?

  6. sarah says:

    Haha, after hanging out at your (super awesome) party with two little babies this weekend, I’m all baybeeeeee……. I sooo miss the teeny helpless stage! Calvin is not at all teeny or helpless any more! And we are done with three. :( I would have another in a heartbeat!

    Perhaps this is because I’m 33. But it’s kind of depressing to think this is the happiest age, and there’s nothing to look forward to.

  7. Kimberly says:

    I’ve been struggling a lot with accepting that I may not have another baby. It’s such a weird place to be in when you used to see yourself with more- but it’s still a happy place because I have amazing kids. 30 was certainly not sunshine & roses for me, but I definitely hit the “too-old-for-this-shit-not-giving-a-damn stage” at 31!

  8. MomEinstein says:

    There is a point where two kids will play together and you can get things done when they’re both awake? I better not get to that point or I might contemplate being done after 2 kids, too.

    And I think it’s totally cool to be done “for now” even if that turns into forever. I know I want to space #2 and #3 a little further apart to give myself a breather, regroup, and then have #3 and #4 close together again. In ideal magic plan-your-life world, obviously.

  9. MKP says:

    Happy Almost Birthday :)

    My mom had her first kid (me) at 25 and her second at 32–wider spacing won’t make your kids love eachother less (sometimes it may feel like that). Enjoy the break from you know, carrying another kid around on the inside….and those ridiculously adorable monsters.

  10. Happy 30TH. I promise it’s not as scary as it sounds.

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